NIGHT IN TRANSYLVANIA  

                                                                  By  Richard Nathan  

FADE IN:  

INT.  SHADOWS  --  NIGHT

JONATHAN HARKER, a cynical smart-ass with a greasepaint mustache, steps out of the shadows and addresses the audience.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Prepare yourself for the most horrible 
                                    monster you've ever seen.  My name is 
                                    Jonathan Harker.

From off-screen comes the sound of a terrified SCREAM.

                                                            HARKER
                                    I'm a lawyer.

From off-screen comes another horrified SCREAM.  This is beginning to annoy Harker.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    A lawyer who sells real estate.  

From off-screen comes a third horrified SCREAM.

                                                            HARKER
                                   
This is the story of my encounter with 
                                    Count Dracula the vampire!

Harker waits for a scream, which never comes.  Finally Harker decides the only way to get a scream is to do it himself.  Harker SCREAMS.

INT.  LOBBY OF THE INN  --  NIGHT

In the lobby of the Golden Krone Inn, Harker is speaking to the INN KEEPER.  An OLD WOMAN (the Inn Keeper's wife) sits nearby.  Harker carries his suitcase, preparing to leave.  The Inn Keeper speaks with a heavy Eastern European accent.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    What do I owe you?  

                                                            INNKEEPER
                                   
Our rates are thirty kopeks a night.

                                                            HARKER
                                    When can I check out?

                                                            INN KEEPER
                                    Whenever you'd like!

                                                            HARKER
                                   
How about the day before yesterday?

                                                            OLD WOMAN
                                    But you only arrived last night!

                                                            HARKER
                                   
Then that's thirty kopecks you owe me.

                                                            INN KEEPER
                                    But. . . .

                                                            OLD WOMAN
                                    But...

                                                            HARKER
                                   
Didn't you say I could check out whenever 
                                    I liked?  Are you going back on your word?  
                                   
There are laws against misrepresentation!

                                                            INN KEEPER
                                   
I only meant . . .  You don't want to leave 
                                    now!  It's Walpurgis Nacht!

                                                            HARKER
                                   
Walpurgis what?  

                                                            INN KEEPER
                                   
Nacht!  Nacht!

                                                            HARKER
                                   
Nacht, nacht?  Who's there?

                                                            INN KEEPER
                                   
Walpurgis Nacht.

                                                            HARKER  
                                   
Walpurgis Nacht who?

                                                            INN KEEPER
                                   
Walpurgis Nacht is the night when all evil 
                                    things in the world will have full sway!

                                                            HARKER
                                    That's probably the worst knock knock 
                                    joke I've ever heard.  Anyway, I've got to 
                                    leave tonight.  Count Dracula is sending 
                                    someone to pick me up.  

                                                            OLD WOMAN
                                    Count Dracula!!!

The old woman spits.

                                                            HARKER
                                    You know him?  

                                                            OLD WOMAN
                                    That nudnik, that gonif, that shnorrer!  Such a 
                                    momzer he was!  Oy.

                                                            HARKER
                                    I just love quaint Transylvanian idioms, 
                                    and you two certainly are a couple of 
                                    idioms.  

                                                            INN KEEPER
                                    What business do you have with Dracula?

                                                            HARKER
                                    I sell real estate, and Count Dracula wants 
                                    to buy a miserable, falling-down wreck next 
                                    to a lunatic asylum.  I had to come all the 
                                    way out here to Transylvania to unload that 
                                    property.

                                                            OLD WOMAN
                                    So you're going to sell him a crummy piece 
                                    of real estate?  

                                                            HARKER
                                    Exactly.

                                                            OLD LADY
                                    Okay, whatever you do to each other, you 
                                    both deserve it.

Suddenly DRACULA barges in, wearing an obviously fake beard. 

                                                            HARKER
                                    Who are you?

Everyone stares at Dracula, who answers in a phony-sounding Italian accent.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    This isn't a fake beard!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Pleased to meet you.  This isn't a fake 
                                    mustache!  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I'm here to pick up Jonathan Harker.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    I'm Jonathan Harker.  Who are you?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I'm the guy that's here to pick you up.  
                                   
I'm Count Dracula's - what do you call it -
                                    his henchman!  

Harker looks out the window to the front of the inn.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Where's your coach?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Back at the Castle.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Then how are you going to take me back to
                                    the Castle?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    It's like I said.  I'm here to pick up Jonathan 
                                    Harker.  

Dracula literally picks up Harker and carries him out of the Inn.

EXT.  TRANSYLVANIAN COUNTRYSIDE  --  NIGHT

The film is sped up as Dracula carries Harker over the Transylvanian countryside.

EXT.  IN FRONT OF CASTLE DRACULA  --  NIGHT

Dracula and Harker arrive at the entrance to Castle Dracula.  Dracula puts Harker down.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Wait here, and I'll let you in.  I mean, 
                                    Count Dracula will let you in.

Dracula runs off.  A moment letter, he opens the front door.  He has taken off the fake beard and holds it in one hand.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Good evening.  I'm Count Dracula.

Harker looks down at the fake beard in Dracula’s hand.  Dracula notices.  He throws the beard out into the night.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I was just putting out the cat.  Come in!

They enter the Castle.

INT.  CASTLE DRACULA  --  NIGHT

Harker and Dracula enter the Castle.

                                                            HARKER
                                    So, you're Count Dracula?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That's right.  I'm Count Dracula.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Funny, that doesn't sound like a Transylvanian 
                                    accent.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Yeah.  I study the English pretty good.  
                                   
When I get to England, I don't want to 
                                    sound like a foreigner.  

From outside comes the HOWL OF WOLVES.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Listen to those guys.  The children of the 
                                    night!  That's some music they make!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Children of the night???  That's what you 
                                    call the wolves???

                                                            DRACULA
                                    No.  That's what I call the gypsy kids out 
                                    back.  They got a garage band.  The 
                                    Children Of The Night!

BAD GUITAR PLAYING and DRUMMING is heard with the HOWLING.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You hungry?

                                                            HARKER
                                    I could do with a bite.

Harker and Dracula each give the other a wary look.  They decide to let the straight line drop.  DRACULA takes Harker over to a table where dinner is placed.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I got your supper prepared - chicken 
                                    paprika, asparagus and cannolis.

Harker sits at the table and starts to eat.  He offers to share the food with his host.

                                                            HARKER
                                    This looks wonderful.  What about you?  
                                   
Would you like some of this?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I never eat . . .  chicken paprika!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Oh.  Some vegetables, maybe?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I never eat . . .  asparagus.

                                                            HARKER
                                    How about the cannolis?

Suddenly, with incredible speed, Dracula gobbles up all the cannolis.  Harker is shocked.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Everybody eats cannolis!

                                                            HARKER
                                    If the Italian Anti-Defamation League 
                                    complains about this - you're on your own.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That's okay.  I'm from Transylvania.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Really?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Sure.  I come from a long line of Transylvanian 
                                    warriors.  Tough fighters.  My parents 
                                    fought all the time.  My mother liked to 
                                    invade the Ottoman Empire.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Let me tell you about the property I've 
                                    picked out for you.  You know the three 
                                    most important things about property, don't 
                                    you?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    No.

                                                            HARKER
                                    The three most important things are location, 
                                    location, location.  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You forgot another important thing!  -- 
                                   
What's the address?

                                                            HARKER
                                    All right, the four most important things 
                                    are location, location, location and what's 
                                    the address.  This property is conveniently 
                                    located right next to an insane asylum.  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That's good, huh?

                                                            HARKER
                                    Sure, it cuts down on your commute.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Is the house old?  I like old houses.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Your house is so old, its got antique dust.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That's nice.  I like old houses because I 
                                    come from an old family.  My family goes 
                                    way, way back.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Really?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Sure.  Before me was my father.  And 
                                    before him was his father.  And before him 
                                    was his father.  That was my great grandfather.  
                                   
Before my great grandfather was his father.  
                                   
And before him was his father.

                                                            HARKER
                                    How much fa'ther can this go?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I could go on with this all night.  Now who 
                                    do you think was before my father's father's 
                                    father's father's father?

                                                            HARKER
                                    Let me take a wild guess.  Was it your 
                                    father's father's father's father's father's 
                                    father?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You've been studying my family tree!

                                                            HARKER
                                    When did your family come out of the trees?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I don't know for sure, but I think it was 
                                    somebody's father.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Well I'll be a monkey's uncle.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Maybe we're related.

                                                            HARKER
                                    If we are, I'll slit my throat.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That's dangerous in these parts.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    I should have gone somewhere where 
                                    slitting my throat was safe! 

Harker touches his throat, and notices he has quite a bit of stubble.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Speaking of which, I think I might need
                                    a shave.  Let me take a look.  Fortunately, 
                                    I always carry a little pocket mirror.

Harker reaches into a pocket and takes out a pocket mirror.  He turns away from Dracula, so that Dracula is directly behind him, and then looks in the mirror.  He notices that Dracula does not cast a reflection in the mirror.  He looks at Dracula and then looks in the mirror again.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Say, how is it that you don't cast a reflection
                                    in this mirror?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You must have got a bad mirror.  They make a
                                    lot of cheap stuff these days.  Where'd you get
                                    it?

                                                            HARKER
                                    Back in England.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    There's the problem.  I never been to England. 
                                    Are you upset you can't see my face?

                                                            HARKER
                                    No, that's the first nice thing that's happened to me
                                    all day!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That reminds me, you got any family or 
                                    friends back in England who know where 
                                    you are?

                                                            HARKER
                                    There's my fiancée, Mina Murray.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Fiancée?  You think she'd notice if you 
                                    didn't come back?  

                                                            HARKER
                                    Maybe not right away.  But after five or six 
                                    years, I think she might notice.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Oh.  So she's the sensitive type?

                                                            HARKER
                                    She's a wealthy, sophisticated, wealthy, 
                                    cultured, wealthy widow who owns the 
                                    insane asylum next to your new property.  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You say she's wealthy?

                                                            HARKER
                                    Don't get any ideas.  She's my fiancée.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You should send her a letter, so she won't 
                                    worry.  You write, and I'll tell you what to 
                                    say.

Dracula gives Harker a pen and some stationary.

                                                            DRACULA
                                               
(dictating)
                                    Dear Mina, How are you?  I am fine. 
                                    like Transylvania, and think I'll stay awhile.  
                                   
Don't worry about me.  I haven't been killed 
                                    by Count Dracula, who isn't a vampire no 
                                    matter what anybody says.  Love, Jonathan 
                                    Harker.

Jonathan finishes writing as Dracula smiles proudly.  Dracula grabs the letter away, and gives Harker an envelope.  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Now address the envelope.  That should 
                                    put her mind at rest.

Harker writes the address on the envelope.

                                                            HARKER
                                    It should put her mind in a coma.

Dracula reaches for the envelope, but Harker pulls it away.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    It's just so she won't worry.  I don't want 
                                    anyone to worry.  Lots a people around 
                                    here worry about vampires.  You know 
                                    what a vampire is?

                                                            HARKER
                                    A big pain in the neck?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    They don’t always bite you in the neck.  
                                   
But a neck is good because it’s easy to 
                                    find a vein there.  It’s especially easy if you 
                                    use hypnosis.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Is that because a Trance’ll-Vein-Ya?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You’re a pretty smart guy for a lawyer.  
                                   
Now, I got to go get things ready for my 
                                    trip.  You stay in this room.  Whatever you 
                                    do, don't go out or you're in big trouble.  
                                   
Trust me on this.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Why should I trust you?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Have I ever told you the truth about 
                                    anything?

                                                            HARKER
                                    No.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Well, there's a first time for everything.

Dracula takes the envelope and leaves the room.  A moment later, Harker leaves the room.

INT.  ANOTHER ROOM IN CASTLE DRACULA  --  NIGHT

Harker enters, and meets the 1ST VAMPIRE WOMAN.  She's extremely beautiful and sexy, in an undead sort of way.

                                                            1ST VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    Look who's here!

                                                            HARKER
                                    If you're Count Dracula in another disguise, 
                                    I'm going to be very disappointed.

                                                            1ST VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    I've never disappointed a man.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    Never in your life?

                                                            1ST VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN  
                                    Who said anything about life?

Enter the 2ND VAMPIRE WOMAN and the 3RD VAMPIRE WOMAN, both beautiful and sexy.

                                                            2ND VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    He's so young and so red-blooded.

                                                            3RD VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    I want him now.  

                                                            1ST VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN  
                                    I saw him first.

                                                            2ND VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN 
                                    He has kisses for us all.

                                                            HARKER
                                    That's right.  There are plenty of kisses to 
                                    go around.  

Enter the 4TH VAMPIRE WOMAN, the 5TH VAMPIRE WOMAN and the 6TH VAMPIRE WOMAN.

                                                            4TH VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    Plenty for all of us?

                                                            5th VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    I'm very greedy.  And I insist on getting 
                                    my share.  

                                                            6th VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    I want him now!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Are all of you friends with Count Dracula?

Enter the 7TH VAMPIRE WOMAN, the 8TH VAMPIRE WOMAN and the 9TH VAMPIRE WOMAN.

                                                            7TH VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    Tonight, I am your woman!

                                                            8TH VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN  
                                    Tonight, we are all your women.

                                                            9TH VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    Let's not fight over him.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Oh, go ahead.  Thin the heard.

The Vampire Woman begin stroking him.  One strokes his hand, another his foot, another his forehead.

                                                            2ND VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    He said he could satisfy us all.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    I said I had kisses for you all.  I didn't say 
                                    anything about satisfying you.

                                                            1ST VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN  
                                    I will be satisfied.

                                                            2ND VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN  
                                    Not before me.

                                                            HARKER
                                    And not before me!

                                                            3RD VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN  
                                    I said I will have him now.

                                                            5th VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN  
                                    You won’t leave anything for the rest of us!

One woman is pulling on Harker's head, one on his right hand, one on his left hand, one on his right foot, and one on his left foot.  Before they can pull him limb from limb, Dracula enters, carrying a huge sack.  He is angry.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Hey!  How many times I got to tell you not to 
                                    play with your food!  

                                                            1ST VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN
                                    Feed us!

                                                            2ND VAMPIRE 
                                                            WOMAN  
                                    You don't love us anymore.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Sure I do!  Here!  I brought you some take 
                                    out.

Dracula tosses them a huge sack.  From it emerges a NERDY TEENAGE BOY, wearing glasses.  At first the nerdy boy is nervous, then he looks around and sees the sexy vampire woman, and he is delighted.  The Vampire Women engulf him.  When they are done, all that is left is his glasses.  The Vampire Women depart.    Harker is aghast.  Dracula turns to him.

                                                             DRACULA
                                    You've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've 
                                    got an explanation for everything.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    Really?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Yeah, you're crazy.

                                                            HARKER
                                    I'm not crazy.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Who said you were?  

                                                            HARKER
                                    You did!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    No I didn't.  That proves you're crazy!  
                                   
You're imagining things.

                                                            HARKER
                                    So I imagined you said I was crazy, which 
                                    proves I am crazy, because you never 
                                    claimed I was crazy in the first place????

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Sure.  I never heard such crazy talk!

                                                            HARKER
                                    You're right!  I must be nuts!  Maybe I 
                                    should move into that insane asylum next 
                                    door to you.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    No, I wouldn't like that.

                                                            HARKER
                                    You don't want me locked in an asylum?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I don't want you for a neighbor.  Which 
                                    reminds me, when do I sign the contract 
                                    for the house?

Harker reaches into his jacket and takes out a contract and a pen, but he doesn't hand them to Dracula yet.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Before we do that, we've got to talk about 
                                    the price.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I'm Count Dracula.  Money means nothing to 
                                    me.

                                                            HARKER
                                    In that case, I left off a zero.

Harker changes the contract.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    It doesn't matter.  I never pay attention to 
                                    money.

                                                            HARKER
                                    What happens when the bills come?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    It doesn't matter.  I never pay attention to 
                                    money.

                                                            HARKER
                                    You don't pay your bills???

Dracula shrugs his shoulders.

                                                            HARKER
                                    You can't do that!  You've never even 
                                    been to law school!  Now if you hire me 
                                    as your lawyer, I can have you declared 
                                    fiscally and morally bankrupt, and you'll 
                                    never have to pay anything again.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I don't think I can never pay anything again.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Why not?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    If I never pay anything again, doesn't that 
                                    mean sometime I had to pay something 
                                    before?

                                                            HARKER
                                    You mean you've never paid anyone 
                                    anything?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I'm Count Dracula.  Money means nothing 
                                    to me.

                                                            HARKER
                                    But I can make that legal.

                                                            DRACULA
                                               
(dismissive)
                                    Sure.  Fine.

                                                            HARKER  
                                    Of course it'll cost you.  And you'll have 
                                    to pay my bill when it comes.  My bill for 
                                    declaring you bankrupt.

                                                            DRACULA
                                               
(dismissive)
                                    Sure.  Fine.

                                                            HARKER
                                    You’re not going to pay me, are you?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    How should I know?  Maybe I will, maybe 
                                    I won't.  Money means nothing to me.  

Dracula grabs the contract and the pent from Harker, signs the contract with an "X," and keeps the contract.

                                                            HARKER
                                    So what are your plans for me?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Well. . . . . 

                                                            HARKER
                                    You might as well tell me the truth.  It’ll 
                                    just be more evidence I'm crazy.

                                                            DRACULA  
                                    Okay.  I'm leaving for England tomorrow.  
                                   
I think you should stay here and look after 
                                    my wives.

                                                            HARKER
                                    You mean they won't kill me?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    First they'll kill you, then you can look after 
                                    them.  Now I've got to go finish packing.  
                                   
I've got to bring boxes of Transylvanian earth to 
                                    sleep in.  The front door is locked, so you can't 
                                    get out.  Now remember, if you see anything 
                                    strange, it’s just because you’re crazy.  

Dracula morphs into a bat and flies out a window.  Harker runs out of the room, going back to the room where his dinner was served.

INT.  FIRST ROOM IN CASTLE DRACULA  --  DAWN

Harker goes to the table where his meal was served.  He removes the tablecloth.

                                                            HARKER
                                    I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.

Harker begins tearing the tablecloth into strips, to make an escape rope.

EXT.  TRANSYLVANIAN COUNTRYSIDE  --  DAWN

The sun rises.

INT.  FIRST ROOM IN CASTLE DRACULA  --  DAY

Harker has cut up the tablecloth and made it into a long rope.  He ties it to a column in the room, and lowers the end out of the window.  He then proceeds to climb out the window.

EXT.  STORM AT SEA  --  NIGHT

A schooner, the Demeter, struggles to say upright on a stormy sea.  A legend appears on the screen, reading:  "THE DEMETER - FIRST NIGHT AT SEA."

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE DEMETER  --  NIGHT

The CAPTAIN addresses his crew of seven SAILORS.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Listen up, you mangy sea dogs.  We've 
                                    got a hard voyage ahead of us, but you're 
                                    the roughest, toughest scum I could find.  
                                   
Murderers, thieves, cutthroats all of you.  
                                   
I know you've heard rumors about our 
                                    cargo.  It's just dirt!  Fifty boxes of dirt.  
                                   
That's all it is.  Nothing to worry about.  
                                   
Now let's ride out this storm.  

EXT.  STORM AT SEA  --  NIGHT

The storm rages on.  A legend appears on the screen that reads:  "THE DEMETER - SECOND NIGHT AT SEA."

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE DEMETER  --  NIGHT

The Captain addresses his crew of six sailors.  One has disappeared.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    It seems one of you dogs decided he'd 
                                    rather swim to England.  So what!  Now 
                                    we've got a crew of six dogs, and one 
                                    captain!  That's enough.  Nothing to worry 
                                    about.

EXT.  STORM AT SEA  --  NIGHT

The storm continues, and the legend reads:  "THE DEMETER - THIRD NIGHT AT SEA."

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Now it's two men disappeared.  I don't
                                    care.  There's nothing to worry about! 
                                    Sailors disappear - drown - all the time!   
                                    It's part of being a sailor, the drowning part! 
                                    Nothing to worry about.

EXT.  STORM AT SEA  --  NIGHT

The storm continues, and the legend reads:  "THE DEMETER - FOURTH NIGHT AT SEA."

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE DEMETER --  NIGHT

The Captain addresses his crew of four sailors.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Anyone else want to join the three who've 
                                    left us?  Any other cowards who aren't 
                                    brave enough to stay on board?  I'm not 
                                    worried about the three who are gone.  
                                   
With all this water, you've got to expect a 
                                    little drowning!  

EXT.  STORM AT SEA  --  NIGHT

The storm continues, and the legend reads:  "THE DEMETER - FIFTH NIGHT AT SEA."

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE DEMETER  --  NIGHT

The Captain addresses his crew of three sailors.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Four gone.  More pay for the rest of us.  
                                   
Nothing to worry about, except how we're 
                                    going to spend all our money.

EXT.  STORM AT SEA  --  NIGHT

The storm continues, and the legend reads:  "THE DEMETER - SIXTH NIGHT AT SEA."

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE DEMETER  --  NIGHT

The Captain addresses his crew of two sailors.

                                                        CAPTAIN
                                    Nothing to worry about!!!  But we might 
                                    put some sand on the deck.  Deck might 
                                    be a little slippery.  Obviously, must be 
                                    slippery, men slipping overboard.  But if 
                                    you're careful not to slip, then you've got 
                                    nothing to worry about.

EXT.  STORM AT SEA  --  NIGHT

The storm continues, and the legend reads:  "THE DEMETER - SEVENTH NIGHT AT SEA."

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE DEMETER  --  NIGHT

The Captain addresses his crew of one remaining sailor, IVAN.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Just you and me, Ivan.  But I'm not worried.  
                                   
You worried, Ivan?

Ivan screams in terror and leaps over the side of the boat, into the sea.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    I guess Ivan was worried.

EXT.  STORM AT SEA  --  NIGHT

The storm continues, and the legend reads:  "THE DEMETER - EIGHTH NIGHT AT SEA."

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE DEMETER  --  NIGHT

The Captain has covered himself with crucifixes.  He shouts:

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    All right, Dracula.  I've let you kill every 
                                    one of my crew.  I'm the only one left!  
                                   
Now, I think its time we re-negotiated my 
                                    fee.  I want twice as much for getting you to 
                                    England.  And don't getting any funny ideas 
                                    about doing me in.  I've got protection!  
                                   
Crosses!  Lots of crosses.  Nothing for me 
                                    to worry about.

Dracula comes up on deck.  He stays away from the crucifixes.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    What are you yelling about?

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    You killed my entire crew, but you won’t kill me!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You’re crazy!  I haven’t killed anyone since 
                                    before the voyage started!  

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    You expect me to believe that?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    What do I care what you believe?  This 
                                    storm makes me seasick.  I’m going back 
                                    to my coffin.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    But it must have been you!  What happened 
                                    to my crew?  They were scared out of their 
                                    minds!  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    What?  You think I’m the only monster out 
                                    here on the ocean?

A  GREAT WHITE SHARK leaps up onto the deck, swallows the Captain in one bite, and slides back into the sea.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That’s a nice shark.  I’m going back to my 
                                    coffin 'til we get to England!  

EXT.  INSANE ASYLUM --  EVENING

Establishing shot of the insane asylum next to Dracula's new home.

INT.  FOYER OF THE INSANE ASYLUM  --  EVENING

MINA MURRAY, a wealthy dowager, is speaking with her good friend LUCY WESTENRA, an attractive young gold digger.

                                                            MINA
                                    Lucy, I must be blunt.  I do not approve 
                                    of the fiancé you have selected.

                                                            LUCY
                                    But, Mina, he's a Lord and fabulously rich.

                                                            MINA
                                    That is precisely what people are saying.  
                                   
They believe you are marrying him solely  
                                    for his title and his wealth.  

                                                            LUCY
                                    That's not true.  He's a darling man.  I love 
                                    him dearly for his heart and his mind.  

                                                            MINA
                                    He is a mental patient!

                                                            LUCY
                                    You know how eccentric the nobility are.  
                                   
He checked into your asylum for rest and 
                                    relaxation.  That's all.

                                                            MINA
                                    I find that difficult to believe.

                                                            LUCY
                                                (calling)
                                    Doctor Seward!  Doctor Seward!  

Doctor Seward enters.  He’s a handsome young man, with a quirky quality about him that suggests an affinity to both Harker and Dracula.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Yes, Miss Westenra?

                                                            LUCY
                                    Please bring in Lord Godalming.  I want to 
                                    introduce him to Mina.  

                                                            SEWARD
                                    I’ll do my best to find him.

                                                            MINA
                                    Find him?  Don’t you keep your patients 
                                    under supervision? 

                                                            SEWARD
                                    We try.  But it’s difficult to with a man like   
                                    Lord Godalming.

Seward exits.  Lucy turns back to Mina.

                                                            MINA
                                    Sometimes I wonder if Dr. Seward’s 
                                    patients influence him more than he 
                                    influences his patients.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Once you meet Lord Godalming, I know 
                                    you'll admire and respect him as much as 
                                    I do.

Seward enters.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    It is my honor to present, Arthur Renfield, 
                                    Lord Godalming.

RENFIELD a mad, curly-haired imp, bursts into the room.  He throws himself onto Lucy and begins kissing her.  Lucy breaks away and tries to escape, but Renfield chases her around the room until Seward tackles him and holds him down.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Arthur, I've told you, we must wait until 
                                    after the wedding before we show 
                                    affection for each other.  Besides, you 
                                    have a visitor.  I want you to meet my best 
                                    friend, Mina Murray.  She owns this asylum.  
                                   
Now please stand up and greet her like a 
                                    gentleman.  

Cautiously, Seward allows Renfield to stand.  Renfield casually strolls over to Mina, and then jumps on her and begins kissing her all over.

                                                            MINA
                                    Help!  Help!  Save me from this mad man!  

Renfield is terrified by Mina's shouting.  He runs into a corner and hides.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Arthur, stop playing games.  I want you to 
                                    show Mina that you can behave like a 
                                    gentleman.  Have some toast and tea.

Renfield begins acting like an extremely effete gentleman.  He saunters over to the tea table and pours himself a cup of tea.  He puts in a teaspoon of sugar.  Then he puts in another teaspoon of sugar.  Then another teaspoon of sugar.  Then he dumps the rest of the sugar bowl into his cup of tea.  He places the cup of sugary mess on an open windowsill.

                                                            MINA
                                    What on earth is he doing?

Renfield takes a peace of toast.  He spreads on jam.  Then he spreads on more jam, until there is more jam than toast.  He leaves this mess on the windowsill, next to the tea.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    He's been acting this way since that storm 
                                    last week.  The storm that washed up that 
                                    derelict ship.

A fly buzzes in, attracted by all the sugar.  Renfield tries to grab it, and knocks over the tea.  He grabs the jam-covered toast, and tries to use it to lure the fly closer. 

                                                            MINA
                                    Why is he chasing that fly?

                                                            SEWARD
                                    He wants to eat it.  He’s developed the 
                                    belief that eating living creatures will add to 
                                    his own life span.

The fly lands on Mina's forehead.  Renfield smashes her in the face with the jam-covered toast, catching the fly.  He grabs the fly and eats it.

                                                            MINA
                                    Lucy, I will never permit you to marry 
                                    this lunatic!  If you do so in spite of my 
                                    wishes, I will see to it that you are never 
                                    accepted in polite society again!

Mina leaves the room.  Furious, Lucy grabs Renfield by the shirt and shakes him roughly, then shoves him aside.  She turns to Seward.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Doctor Seward,  you've got to help me 
                                    convince her that Renfield is sane.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    But he isn't sane!  

                                                            LUCY
                                    And what kind of doctor does that make 
                                    you, if you can’t cure even your wealthiest 
                                    patients?  Do you want Mina to continue 
                                    supporting your hospital or not?  Come on!  
                                   
We've got to convince Mina!  

Lucy pulls Seward out of the room, leaving Renfield behind.  He smoothes his shirt, where Lucy grabbed him.  There's a knock at the door.  Renfield opens the door, to reveal Dracula standing in the moonlight.  Renfield gestures for Dracula to enter.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Thanks for inviting me in.  You remember 
                                    who I am?  

Renfield does a silent imitation of a wolf howling, and then does an imitation of a bat (with fangs) flapping its wings.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That's right.  I'm Count Dracula.  And I brought 
                                    you a present.  A big juicy spider.

Renfield is excited. 

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You like spiders, huh?  Spiders are better than 
                                    flies because spiders eat flies.  You should try 
                                    birds next!  Now, where's that spider?

Dracula reaches into his pants pocket, but can't find the spider.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Wait a minute.  I got a hole in my pocket.  
                                   
Just a second.  

Dracula reaches into his shirt, searching for the spider.  Finally, he finds it, somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach.  He pulls it out of his clothes.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Here you go.  A big, juicy spider!

Renfield grabs the spider and gulps it down.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That's good, eh?  Now what are you going 
                                    to give me?  

Renfield begins to search his own body for bugs.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    No, I don't want any bugs.  I need 
                                    something bigger, with more blood.  Like 
                                    your fiancée.  

Renfield doesn't appreciate the suggestion.  He threatens to hit Dracula.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    What's the matter?  You don't want to 
                                    share, huh?  You like your fiancée?  She's 
                                    a pretty lady!  

Renfield nods enthusiastically.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You and she have lots of fun, eh?

Sadly, Renfield shakes his head no.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    She's not much fun?  

Renfield mimes having his teeth pulled out.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Ouch.  Like pulling teeth.  Well, I can 
                                    make her fun.  After I drink her blood, 
                                    she'll be just like me.

Renfield is disgusted.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    What's the matter with me?  

Renfield mimes to show that Lucy is a beautiful, sexy woman, but Dracula is a slob.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    No, she'll still be a beautiful woman, but 
                                    she'll be fun.  What do you say?  

Renfield looks skeptical.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You want her to change, don’t you?  To 
                                    be more fun?  

Renfield nods his head “yes.” 

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Then what’s the matter?  Don’t you think 
                                    I can change her?  It’ll be easy.  She’ll be 
                                    crazy about me.

Renfield looks skeptical again.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Don’t you think she’ll go for me?   Why 
                                    not?  

Renfield mimes something very, very high (tying to indicate that Lucy is above Dracula).

                                                            DRACULA
                                    She’s tall.  Really tall.  You think she won’t 
                                    like me because she’s tall.  You’re crazy!  
                                   
I’ve had lots of tall women go for me.  

Renfield goes to a bookshelf and takes down a book and starts studying it.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    She likes books.  

Renfield takes down lots of books and studies them all.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    She likes lots of books!  She’s a librarian!  
                                   
You don’t think she’ll like me because she’s 
                                    a tall librarian!  

Renfield shakes his head no.  Then as he pretends to study a book, he sneaks a peashooter into his mouth, and shoots a pea at Dracula.

                                                            DRACULA  
                                    Wait a minute.  That’s not a library.  It’s 
                                    a classroom!  Classroom … class … 
                                    class . . . tall class?  High class?  High 
                                    class!  I got it!  High class!  You don’t 
                                    think she’ll like me because she’s too high 
                                    class!

Renfield congratulates Dracula for figuring it out.  Then Dracula gets offended.  He and Renfield threaten to punch each other.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You’re crazy!  I got lots of class!  You’ll 
                                    see!

Enter Lucy.  She spots Dracula.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Who are you?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I'm Count Dracula.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Are you another inmate in this nut house?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    No.  I bought the estate next door.

                                                            LUCY
                                    You aren't a bug eater? 

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I never eat. . .  bugs.  

He kisses her hand and gives her a look of smoldering sexuality.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Count Dracula, is there a Countess 
                                    Dracula?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Sure.  I got lots of wives.  

                                                            LUCY
                                    Lots of them?  I thought a man could only 
                                    have one wife.  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    No, he can have as many as he wants, as 
                                    long as they're dead.  I got lots of dead 
                                    wives.  But not one of them is as pretty as 
                                    you.  What do you say we have some fun?  

Dracula stares at her.  His eyes are hypnotic.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Well, I . . . 

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Come on.  I know how to show a lady a 
                                    good time.

                                                                                                    FADE TO:

INT.  LUCY'S BEDROOM  --  DAY

Lucy is pale and weak.  She’s sleeping.  There are two very tiny bite marks on her neck.  Dr. Seward is examining her, while Mina looks on nervously.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    I don't understand it.  She shows signs of 
                                    acute blood loss, but there are wounds to  
                                    account for it.

                                                            MINA
                                    If you can’t determine what's the matter 
                                    with her, we must send for someone who 
                                    can.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    The best man I can think of is Doctor 
                                    Abraham Van Helsing, a Dutch specialist 
                                    in rare diseases of the blood.

                                                            MINA
                                    Then send for him at once!

                                                            SEWARD
                                    I don't need to send for him.  He's in town, 
                                    and he's coming to dine with me this 
                                    evening.

                                                            MINA
                                    I pray he can help Miss Westenra.  There's 
                                    something dreadfully wrong with her.  

Lucy moans sensuously in her sleep.

INT.  FOYER OF THE INSANE ASYLUM  --  EVENING  

Dr. Seward and Mina welcome DR. ABRAHAM VAN HELSING.  Van Helsing is a very distinguished, very proper man with a middle-European accent.

                                                        VAN HELSING
                                    Of course, I am willing to serve as a 
                                    consultant, for my customary fee.

                                                        MINA
                                    Doctor, I will pay any expense for my dear 
                                    friend in her hour of need.

Jonathan Harker rushes in through the front door, overhearing Mina's assurances to Van Helsing.

                                                            HARKER
                                    You'll pay any expense!  Why didn't you 
                                    call me sooner?  

                                                            MINA
                                    Jonathan!  Where have you been?  It's been 
                                    weeks since I've heard from you!  

                                                            HARKER
                                    Never mind that.  Who do you want me to 
                                    sue?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    The patient needs a doctor, not a lawyer.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    I'll be the judge of that.  Unless you want to 
                                    be sued for tortious interference with my 
                                    attorney/client relationship.  (turning to Mina)  
   
                                Who's my client?

                                                            MINA
                                    Lucy Westenra is not your client; she is 
                                    Doctor Van Helsing's patient!  She’s very 
                                    sick.  I'm sorry, Dr. Van Helsing.  This is my 
                                    fiancé, Jonathan Harker.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    If he is your fiancé, I can understand why 
                                    you’re sorry.

                                                            HARKER
                                    And if you’re Lucy’s doctor, I can understand 
                                    why she’s sick. 

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I cannot waste time with this upstart!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Upstart!!!!

Van Helsing turns to Seward, ignoring Harker.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    What’s the matter with Miss Lucy?  What 
                                    are her symptoms?  

                                                            SEWARD
                                    She’s appears to be suffering from loss of 
                                    blood, but there's no sign of where the 
                                    blood could have gone.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Take me to her room, at once!

                                                            MINA
                                    She’s staying in the residential wing, away 
                                    from the inmates.  

Mina leads them all to Lucy’s room.

INT. OUTSIDE LUCY'S BEDROOM  --  EVENING

Van Helsing turns to Harker, Mina.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I will examine her alone!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Okay, if we hear any screams, Mina will
                                    break the door down.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    What???

                                                            HARKER
                                    Unless it’s you screaming.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Are you impugning my ethics?  

                                                            HARKER
                                    Are your ethics puny?

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    You insult me!  I am a doctor!

                                                            HARKER
                                    I insult everyone!   I am a lawyer!  

Van Helsing opens the door, and enters the room.  The others wait in the hallway.

INT.  LUCY’S BEDROOM  --  EVENING

Van Helsing opens the door wide and steps in to the bedroom.  He looks around suspiciously.  Lucy lies in bed, awake.  She is weak, but she doesn’t seem dangerously ill at the moment.  She wears a scarf around her neck.  Without looking  behind him, Van Helsing closes the door.  We see that Dracula has been hiding behind the door.  Van Helsing  turns to Lucy.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Who are you?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    My name is Dr. Abraham Van Helsing.  If 
                                    you cooperate with me fully, I may save 
                                    you.

As they speak, Dracula sneaks into the closet and hides there.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    Please take off that scarf and allow me to 
                                    examine your neck.

                                                            LUCY
                                    I’d rather not.  It’s quite chilly in here.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I can look at your neck now, or later.  
                                    I think we both know what I will find.  You've
                                    had a visitor, haven't you?  A visitor with
                                    sharp teeth!  If he is here, I will find him!  

Van Helsing looks around the room again.  He decides to search in the closet.  As he burrows into the clothes in the right hand side of the closet, Dracula sneaks out of the left hand side.  There is a large window in the bedroom, with curtains closed in front of it.   Dracula creeps over to the window and hides in the right side of the curtains.  Van Helsing finishes looking in the closet.  He decides to look behind the curtains.  As he looks behind the right hand side, Dracula sneaks out of the left hand side.  He signals for Lucy to come over to him.  She goes over to the left hand side of the curtains and gets into the spot where Dracula had been hiding.  Van Helsing, stumbling behind the curtains, grabs her.  She slaps Van Helsing, as Dracula goes back into the closet to hide.  Van Helsing and Lucy emerge from the curtains.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    What are you doing out of bed?

                                                            LUCY
                                    I wanted to close the windows.  I told you 
                                    I was chilly!  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Get back into bed!  I will secure the windows.  

Lucy goes back to bed.  Van Helsing opens the curtains and closes the windows.  He opens his medical bag and takes out a large piece of garlic.  He uses a handkerchief to secure the garlic to the window.  Van Helsing smiles smugly, and exits the bedroom.

INT.  OUTSIDE LUCY’S BEDROOM  --  EVENING  

Mina, Seward, and Harker are waiting for Van Helsing.  He joins them.

                                                            MINA
                                    Can you help her, doctor?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I have just done much to help her greatly.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    You got out of her bedroom!  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    With the precautions I have taken, she should 
                                    be feeling much better by morning.  You were 
                                    fortunate you sent for me in time. 

A NURSE comes down the hallway, and enters into Lucy’s room.  As soon as she is inside, she SCREAMS.  Van Helsing, Mina, Seward and Harker rush inside.

INT.  LUCY’S BEDROOM  --  EVENING  

Lucy is now very ill, much paler than she was a moment ago.  In the last minute, she has lost most of her blood.  She lies in her bed, unconscious.   Van Helsing rips away her scarf, and sees the two tiny puncture marks he expected to find.  As he touches them, Lucy's eyes spring open.

                                                            LUCY  
                                    Where is Arthur? 

                                                            SEWARD
                                    She means Arthur Renfield, Lord 
                                    Godalming.  He's an eccentric nobleman, 
                                    a patient here.  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    An aristocrat!  Someone get him.  
                                   
Quickly.

The Nurse exits.

                                                            LUCY
                                    I want to see Arthur!  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    He is coming.  But you must rest.  You are 
                                    very weak.

                                                            LUCY
                                    But I feel wonderful.

Van Helsing motions for Seward and Mina to join him away from Lucy's bed.  They cross to the other side of the room.  Harker follows.  Van Helsing whispers to Seward.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                                    (whispering)
                                    Why didn't you tell me about the wounds 
                                    on her neck?  

                                                            SEWARD
                                                    (whispering)
                                    But she couldn't have lost much blood 
                                    through those tiny little puncture marks.  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                                    (whispering)
                                    She not only could, but did.  I know precisely 
                                    what caused these puncture marks, and what 
                                    caused the loss of blood.  It was. . .  

                                                            HARKER
                                                    (loudly)
                                    A vampire!  I told you there would be someone 
                                    I could sue!

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Dr. Van Helsing!!!

                                                            MINA
                                    No one believes in vampires anymore!

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    I regret to say the lawyer is correct.  
                                   
Vampires do exist and one has bitten Miss 
                                    Lucy.

                                                            HARKER
                                    And I know who he is, too.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    And how would you know that?  

                                                            HARKER
                                    I sold him the estate next door.  We'd better 
                                    go there right now and kill him before he 
                                    gets away.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Kill him?  Isn't it a bit early to be talking of 
                                    murder?

                                                            HARKER
                                    You're right.  First I'll sue him, then we'll kill 
                                    him.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Please, Mr. Harker.  I believe I am the expert
                                    on vampires here.  When it comes time to
                                    identify the culprit, I will be the one to do it. 
                                    But before we do anything else, I must attend 
                                    to Miss Lucy. 

The Nurse enters with Renfield.  Van Helsing bows to him.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Ah!  You must be Lord Godalming.  It is 
                                    always an honor to meet a member of the 
                                    English aristocracy.  

Renfield coughs up feathers (indicated he has graduated from eating flies and spiders to eating birds.)

Lucy holds out her arms to Renfield.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Arthur!  Come here and make passionate
                                    love to me!  Now!  

Renfield grins and jumps at the bed, but Van Helsing grabs hold of him.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    No!  Do not go to her, or you will be infected 
                                    with her unholy lust!

Renfield considers this for a second, then tries to break away from Van Helsing to get to Lucy.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Stop!  Look at her!  Look at her!  Is this  
                                    the sweet, innocent girl you promised to 
                                    marry?

Arthur looks at Lucy, who is posing seductively on the bed.  He enthusiastically shakes his head "no" and continues his attempt to jump onto the bed.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Trust me, and I promise I will return to you 
                                    the pure, modest lady she was.  

Renfield tries to strangle Van Helsing.  Seward and Harker pry him off.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    I know you are overcome with love for this 
                                    sick girl, but you will see I am right.  If  we  
                                   
are to save her from becoming a vampire 
                                    we must give her a transfusion at once.

                                                            LUCY
                                                    (smiling with anticipation)
                                    Blood?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Yes.  We need a donor who is big, strong 
                                    and not afraid of the needle.  

Van Helsing opens his doctor's satchel and takes out a rubber tube with large needles on each end.  Harker and Seward each gesture for the other to go ahead.

                                                            HARKER
                                    After you.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    No, after you.

                                                            HARKER
                                    No, after you!

Renfield puffs out his chest, roles up his sleeves, takes a few deep breaths, steps forward, and grabs Mina's arm and holds it out to Van Helsing.

                                                            MINA
                                    Very well!  I will gladly give my blood to 
                                    save my friend Lucy.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Lie next to her on the bed, and I will start 
                                    the transfusion.

Mina lies next to Lucy.  Van Helsing stabs Mina in the arm with the needle on one end of the tube.  He waits for blood to fill the tube, then stabs the other end into Lucy's arm.  As soon as blood begins flowing into Lucy's arm, her eyes close.  Van Helsing takes Lucy's pulse.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Her pulse is still weak.  I wish there were 
                                    some way to speed up the transfusion.  

Renfield sits down on Mina and bounces up and down.  He gestures for Harker and Seward to join him.  They all sit on Mina, who howls in discomfort as the men bounce on her.  She grows noticeably paler, as Lucy begins to look healthier.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    Enough!  We dare not take any more blood 
                                    from Miss Mina.  

Harker and the others get off Mina.

                                                            HARKER
                                    And I thought the trip to Castle Dracula was 
                                    a bumpy ride!

Van Helsing removes the needles from the women's arms.  Seward helps him to bandage the arms.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    Next we must prepare the room so the 
                                    vampire may not enter it again.   We
                                    need garlic.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Garlic!  You must be joking!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I never joke.  There is a grim purpose in
                                    everything I do!

Van Helsing looks in his supplies buy can’t find the garlic he needs.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    If only I had more strings of garlic.  I put
                                    some garlic on the window, but it must
                                    not have been enough.

Renfield reaches into his pocket and starts to pull out a long string of garlic.  He hands one end to Van Helsing, and then like a magician pulling out an incredibly long string of silk handkerchiefs.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Ah!  The aristocrat!  They are always 
                                    prepared.

Renfield pulls out a seemingly endless string of garlic and everyone else is soon hopelessly tangled up in the garlic.  Renfield starts to bring the garlic near Lucy, but she spats at him like an angry cat.  He quickly takes the garlic away from her, and over to Harker.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Vampires hate garlic.

Renfield wraps the garlic string around Harker’s neck, nearly strangling him.

                                                            HARKER
                                    I'm not to crazy about it myself.

Helsing covers the windows with garlic.  He also goes to the closet and puts garlic in there.  (Dracula is not in the closet.)

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    With all this garlic, there is no way the vampire 
                                    can get in!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Yeah, and there’s no way we can get out.  

Harker gets down on his knees and crawls over to Van Helsing’s medical bag.  He takes out a knife.  Then he crawls over to Renfield and severs the endless string of garlic at the point where it’s coming out of Renfield’s pocket.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    Now we must leave Miss Lucy to rest 
                                    and recover. 

Van Helsing leads Harker, Mina, Renfield and Seward out of the room.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    She is absolutely safe.  There is no way the 
                                    vampire may enter the room now.  

Everyone leaves, except for Lucy who remains in her bed.  As soon as Van Helsing closes the door behind him, Dracula crawls out from under Lucy's bed.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I thought they'd never leave.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Count Dracula!

Lucy welcomes him with open arms.

INT.  FOYER OF THE INSANE ASYLUM  --  NIGHT 

Mina is bidding goodnight to Van Helsing as he prepares to leave.  Doctor Seward stands nearby with Harker.

                                                            MINA
                                    Doctor, do you think you can save her?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I am sure of it!  I will stake my reputation on 
                                    it!  I will use all my knowledge, every ounce 
                                    of my skill, to assure she will recover.

                                                            HARKER
                                    And she seemed like such a nice kid.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Miss Lucy’s life is in my hands.

SCREAM!  The Nurse runs into the room! 

                                                            NURSE
                                    She’s dead!  Lucy’s dead!!!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    What???

They all rush back to Lucy’s bedroom.

INT.   LUCY’S BEDROOM  --  NIGHT

Lucy’s corpse, drained of blood, lies on her bed.  Van Helsing, Mina, the Nurse, Harker, Renfield and Dr. Seward look down on her sadly.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    The poor, lovely girl.

                                                            MINA
                                    She was an angel.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    She touched us all.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Especially me.

Dracula has joined them.

                                                            HARKER
                                    It’s him!  The vampire!

Van Helsing takes a skeptical look at Dracula.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That’s too bad, a man your age!.  But I know
                                    some girls who can help you out.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I mean, I haven’t had the pleasure of being 
                                    introduced to you.

                                                            HARKER
                                    I’ll fix that.   Helsing, this is Dracula, the 
                                    evil vampire who killed Lucy.  Dracula, 
                                    this is Helsing, the idiot doctor who helped 
                                    you to kill Lucy.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Hey, you look familiar.  Are you related to
                                    Leon the werewolf?  What about Feydor the
                                    zombie?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Mr. Harker claims that you are a vampire. 

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Don’t listen to him.  He’s just mad because 
                                    I tried to kill him.  

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Professor Van Helsing, I've tried to trust you,
                                    but really... as a professor... as a man of science... 
                                   surely you can't really believe in vampires!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    A vampire's greatest strength is that people
                                    will not believe.

                                                            DRACULA
                                   You're crazy!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Crazy, am I?  What do you think is the greatest
                                    strength of a vampire?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Fangs.  You ever see a vampire without teeth
                                    trying to gum open somebody's throat?  It's
                                    pretty sad.

                                                            MINA
                                    Dr. Seward, is this man a patient of yours?

                                                            DRACULA  
                                    No, I just came to see my good friend, Renfield!  

                                                            HARKER
                                    Friend????  You just killed his fiancée!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    He’s my pal.  I don’t ask him what he eats, 
                                    and he doesn’t ask me what I eat.  Well, 
                                    I’m going home now.  Don’t worry about 
                                    Lucy.  She’ll be fine.

                                                            MINA  
                                    But she’s dead!!!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Hey, don't be a bigot.  

Dracula exits.

                                                            HARKER
                                    You’re letting him get away!

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    That wasn’t our enemy.  Our foe is an insidiously 
                                    clever fiend.  The man who just left is obviously 
                                    an imbecile!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Obviously.  And yet, he’s able to outsmart 
                                    you.  How do you figure that?

                                                            MINA  
                                    Why did he say that Lucy would be fine?  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Perhaps he knew that I could save her.

                                                            MINA
                                    You mean you can restore her to life?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    No, but I can give her true death.  Unless 
                                    I act now, she will rise again, and become 
                                    a vampire herself.  I will need a wooden stake 
                                    and a hammer.  

Renfield takes a wooden stake and a huge sledgehammer out of his coat and hands them to Van Helsing.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    The aristocrat comes through again!  Now 
                                    we will hammer the stake through her heart.

                                                            MINA
                                    No!  You can’t mean it!

Horrified, Renfield tries to take back the stake and the hammer, but Van Helsing holds on tight.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    It is the only way to save Miss Lucy!

Van Helsing walks over to Lucy’s corpse and places the stake over her heart.  He hands the giant sledgehammer to Renfield.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Lord Godalming, you are Miss Lucy’s fiancé.  
                                   
It is your place to do what must be done.  
                                   
Take this hammer and do what you know is 
                                    right.  Strike hard, and strike true!

Renfield takes the hammer and smashes Van Helsing on top of his head.  Van Helsing falls unconscious.  Harker shakes Renfield’s hand.

                                                            HARKER  
                                    The aristocrat comes through again!

                                                                                                FADE TO:

INT.  A ROOM IN THE INSANE ASYLUM  --  DAY

Van Helsing is lying in bed, his head bandaged.  His eyes pop open and he sits up.  Dr. Seward is in the room with him.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    What happened?   Did the vampire attack 
                                    me?

                                                            SEWARD
                                    No.  I’m afraid Lord Godalming hit you.  I’m 
                                    sure it was an accident.  We’ve locked him 
                                    up for your protection, and I have the only 
                                    key, right in my ….  

Dr. Seward pats the pocket where he thinks he has the key, but he doesn’t feel the key in his pocket.  He searches the pocket.  Renfield  hands him the key.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Thanks.

Renfield gives Seward a “don’t mention it” gesture and exits.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    I wish I knew how he does that.

Van Helsing suddenly remembers what he was about to do when he was knocked unconscious.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Miss Lucy!  Did you put the stake through 
                                    her heart?

                                                            SEWARD  
                                    No.  We didn’t see the point.  We entombed 
                                    her in her family vault.  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    When?

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Three days ago.  You’ve been unconscious 
                                    for four days.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    You read newspapers, don’t you?  Have 
                                    there been any unusual incidents at night?

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Unusual?  No.  Not really.  Just some reports 
                                    of children being bitten on the neck by a 
                                    beautiful, pale young woman, dressed in a 
                                    white nightgown.  The children call her the
                                    Bloofer Lady.  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    It is as I feared!  It is Miss Lucy!  We must 
                                    go tonight where the attacks have occurred!  
                                   
I will show you proof of what we need to 
                                    do!  

EXT.  CEMETERY  --  NIGHT

Van Helsing, carrying a lantern, leads Harker, Seward and Renfield through the cemetery to the entrance of the Westenra Family Vault.  Van Helsing picks the lock on the door to the Westenra Family Vault.

INT.  WESTENRA FAMILY VAULT  --  NIGHT

Van Helsing enters the vault, followed by Harker Seward and Renfield.  He leads them to the stone tomb where Lucy's body should be.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    This is where you entombed Miss Lucy, is it
                                    not?

Van Helsing pries off the lid of Lucy's stone tomb.  Inside, her resting place is empty except for a large sign that reads "OUT TO LUNCH."

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Where is she?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Come!  I think I know where to find her!

EXT.   A PUBLIC PARK  --  NIGHT

Van Helsing, Harker, Seward and Renfield walk through a park, looking for the Bloofer Lady.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    This is the area where all the attacks 
                                    occurred.

They spot a BOY NERD and a GIRL NERD.  Van Helsing decides to question them.  The Nerds are teenagers.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Excuse me, have you seen a beautiful woman, 
                                    pale woman dressed in white, with sharp 
                                    teeth?  

                                                            BOY NERD
                                    You mean the Bloofer Lady?

                                                            GIRL NERD
                                    We’re here first.  Wait your turn!

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    Turn?

                                                            GIRL NERD
                                    To get bit.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I don’t want to be bitten.

                                                            BOY NERD
                                    Then why you looking for the Bloofer Lady?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    To stop her from preying on innocent little
                                    children.

                                                            GIRL NERD
                                    You see any innocent little children here?

Renfield takes a giant lollypop out of his coat, and licks it.  Renfield looks like an innocent child.

                                                            BOY NERD
                                                    (pointing at Van Helsing)
                                    He thinks innocent little children are going to 
                                    hang around here after dark!  What kind 
                                    of an idiot is he?

Renfield whistles and raises his hand, volunteering to answer the question.

                                                            HARKER
                                    My client refuses to answer that question on the
                                    grounds that the answer is privileged, confidential 
                                    and proof he’s an idiot.  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                                    (to Harker)
                                    I am not your client!  

                                                            HARKER
                                    That’s more proof you’re an idiot.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                                    (to the Nerds)
                                    But the newspapers said….

                                                            BOY NERD
                                    Newspapers!!!

                                                            GIRL NERD
                                    You believe the newspapers?  The only 
                                    innocent child around here is you!  

Renfield hands Van Helsing his lollypop.  Van Helsing takes it without noticing what he is taking.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I am more knowledgeable than you think 
                                    I am.

                                                            HARKER
                                    That’s not saying much.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    The Bloofer Lady in not what you believe 
                                    she is!

                                                            GIRL NERD
                                    What???  She’s not a vampire????

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Well, yes, she is a vampire.  I did not think 
                                    you knew that.  

                                                            BOY NERD
                                    Why?  You think everyone’s as dumb as 
                                    you?  

Renfield grabs his lollypop back, angry to hear that Van Helsing thinks everyone is as dumb as he is.

                                                            GIRL NERD
                                    Why do you think we’re out here?  We want 
                                    her to bite us.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    You want to be vampires???  Why?  

                                                            BOY NERD
                                    Not necessarily full vampires.  But if she 
                                    just bites you a little, you get a little vampire-ish.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    But why would you want to be even a little 
                                    vampire-ish?

                                                            BOY NERD
                                    Look at us!  We’re losers!  No one likes 
                                    us.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    I’m sure your friend here likes you.  

                                                            GIRL NERD
                                    No.  Not really.  Sorry.

                                                            BOY NERD
                                    That’s all right.  I don’t like you much 
                                    either.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    But a vampire is a thing of horror!

                                                            BOY NERD
                                    Being a loser teenager is a thing of horror!!!  

                                                            HARKER
                                    Listen, kids, it’s not so bad.   Neither of 
                                    you is anywhere near as big a loser as 
                                    Helsing here.

                                                            BOY NERD  
                                    I guess that’s true.

                                                            GIRL NERD
                                    You’ve got a point.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    I don’t believe in vampires!  

Suddenly Lucy appears and bites both Nerds on their necks.  First she samples the blood of the Boy Nerd, then of the Girl Nerd.  They morph into much cooler kids.  They stare at each other with new respect.

                                                            BOY NERD
                                    Hey, look at you!  

                                                            GIRL NERD
                                    You think?

They walk off, hand in hand.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    It is the vampire!  We must destroy her 
                                    body to save her immortal soul.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Wouldn’t you rather destroy my soul to 
                                    save my immoral body?  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    You see!  She is undead.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Yes.  I’m undead.  I’m less dead than all 
                                    of you put together.  

Renfield hops into her arms.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Maybe not less dead than Renfield here. 
                                    never appreciated how full of life Lord 
                                    Godalming is.

She prepares to bite Renfield in the neck, but Van Helsing pulls a large piece of garlic out of his pocket and brandishes it at Lucy, who drops Renfield.  She back away hissing.

                                                            LUCY
                                    Garlic!  You will regret this, Van Helsing.

She turns into a bat and flies away.  

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Where is she going?

                                                            HARKER
                                    Probably to team up with Count Dracula.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    Count???  Did you say Count Dracula?

                                                            HARKER
                                    Yeah.  Count Dracula, the vampire you 
                                    didn’t think was a vampire!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    But you never said he was a Count!   
                                    thought he was riff raff.  But he is noble, like 
                                    our  friend Lord Godalming!  You know 
                                    what this means?  

Lord Godalming makes a grotesque face.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Too much royal inbreeding?

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    Count Dracula may look talk an idiot; he 
                                    may act like an idiot, but don’t let that fool 
                                    you.  He really is a nobleman and a genius! 
                                   
An evil genius.  We must find him before
                                    he strikes again!

INT.  MINA’S BEDROOM  --  NIGHT

Dracula enters Mina's bedroom, where she is getting ready for bed.

                                                            MINA
                                    Get out of here!  You get out of my
bedroom
                                    at once!

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
Take it easy.  Where is everyone?

                                                            MINA
                                    If you must know, they went looking for
                                    Lucy Westenra.  Professor Van Helsing
                                   
thinks she's a vampire.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    They don't have to go looking for a vampire. 
                                   
They could have found one right
here!

Dracula smiles at her.  His fangs are extended.  She shrieks and grabs a crucifix,  which she holds up to ward off Dracula.

                                                            MINA|
                                   
Jonathan was right!  You are a monster!

Dracula cowers and shield himself with his cape.

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
Why do you want to call me names?

                                                            MINA
                                   
You're evil!!!

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
I'm not such a bad guy, if you get to know
                                    me.

                                                            MINA
                                   
If you aren't evil, why does it hurt you to
                                    look upon the holy cross?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That cross means crucifixion!  You know
                                   
how painful crucifixion is?

                                                            MINA
                                   
This represents the suffering of God!

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
So maybe I don't like to see God suffer. 
                                   
All I want is a little fun.

                                                            MINA
                                   
There's more to life than having fun.

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
And there's more to fun than having life. 
                                   
Why don't you let me show you?

                                                            MINA
                                   
No!  I don't want to die!

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
How do you know you don't want it, if
                                    you've never tried it?  Come on, let me just
                                   
have a little bite.

                                                            MINA
                                   
No!

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
It's fun.  When's the last time you had some
                                   
fun?  You look like you can use some fun.

                                                            MINA
                                   
I do not need any fun from you!

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
Why don't you take a chance?  If you
                                    still think I'm no good, y
ou can always 
                                    use the cross to make me go away.

                                                            MINA
                                   
But why should I let you bite me?

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
To prove you're right - to prove I'm not fun! 
                                    You should let me bite you so you can prove
                                   
I'm not the most fun you've ever had in your life. 
                                   
Come on.  All I want is a chance.  We'll
both
                                    have a good time.

                                                            MINA
                                   
I'm sure you will.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You bet I will.  You know how much I
                                    want to bite you, right now?  Come on, 
                                    I'm hungry for you.

                                                            MINA
                                   
I think you've used that line before.

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
Sure, and I'll use it again.  And each time I
                                   
mean it.

He gazes at her hypnotically.

                                                            MINA
                                   
I suppose I could let you have one quick
                                    bite, just to prove I won't like it.

Dracula slowly goes to her and sinks his fangs into her neck.  To Mina's surprise, she does enjoy it.

                                                            MINA
                                    Oh!  Oh my!  Stop!

Dracula stops.

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
What's the matter?

                                                            MINA
                                    That was not entirely unpleasant.  But I'm
                                   
not ready to die.

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
Why not?

                                                            MINA
                                   
What if I don't like death?  Once I'm dead,
                                   
I'll have to remain dead.

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
Okay, I'll tell you what.  I'll give you a
                                    taste of what it's like to be me, but you 
                                    don't have to die.  Here.

Dracula opens his shirt.  He uses his fingernail to cut his flesh, so that he bleeds.

                                                            DRACULA
                                   
Drink this.  You'll feel a little of how I 
                                    feel.

Frightened, but tempted, Mina works up the courage to taste Dracula's blood.  When she tastes it, she finds she likes it.  She drinks deeply.  She moans loudly.

 INT.  FOYER OF THE INSANE ASYLUM  --  NIGHT

Van Helsing, Harker, Seward and Renfield return.  They hear Mina moaning, and rush to her room.

INT.  MINA'S BEDROOM  --  NIGHT

Van Helsing bursts in, followed by the others.  He finds Mina sucking blood from Dracula's chest.  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Vile lecher!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I don't know.  Vhy-a-lecher?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    How dare you enter this woman's bedroom?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That's funny.  I was about to ask you the 
                                    same thing.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    For that matter, what's Mina doing?  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I cut myself.  I couldn't find a bandage, so 
                                    she volunteered to plug the leak.  That's 
                                    enough, lady; don't overdo it.  

Dracula tries to pull Mina's face away from her chest, but she growls at him and starts to feed again.  Van Helsing waves a piece of garlic at Dracula, who tries to get away, but can't get loose from Mina.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Leave that woman, Count Dracula!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I'm trying.  She won't let go.

Harker and Seward try to pull Mina off of Dracula.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Go at once!  I command you!  

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Could you command her?  

                                                            SEWARD
                                    I  can't get her loose!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Does anyone have a crowbar?

Renfield takes a crowbar out of his jacket and starts to hand it to Harker, but Dracula grabs it.  Dracula uses it to pry Mina off of his chest.  As soon as Dracula comes loose, he runs out the door.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    After him!

Van Helsing, Seward and Renfield run after him.  Harker starts to follow, but Mina grabs his hand.

                                                            MINA
                                    Jonathan, I suppose I should be ashamed.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Ashamed?  Why should you be ashamed?   
                                    It's not as if I found you in the arms of my 
                                    worst enemy… oh wait, that's where I did 
                                    find you.  

                                                            MINA  
                                    Have I been a naughty little girl?  

                                                            HARKER
                                    Compared with you, Lizzie Borden was a 
                                    naughty little girl.

It's becoming clear that Mina is attempting to be flirtatious.

                                                            MINA
                                    Does the big lawyer want to punish his 
                                    naughty girl?  Maybe you'd like to spank 
                                    me?

                                                            HARKER
                                    I'd like to re-attach you to Count Dracula.  
                                   
At least that kept you quiet.

                                                            MINA
                                    I know how you can keep me from talking.  
                                   
Kiss me, Jonathan!!!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Hey!  What?  What's come over you???

Mina grabs him and gives him a passionate kiss.  His greasepaint mustache smears so that now they both have mustaches.  Van Helsing runs into the room and tears them apart.  He brandishes his garlic at Mina, who turns away.  

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    No!  You must not touch her, or she will 
                                    infect you!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Thanks, Helsing.  Did you get Dracula?

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    No.   But we will.

Van Helsing pulls Harker out of the room.  Mina tries to follow, but Helsing closes the door and locks it from the outside.

INT.   FOYER OF THE INSANE ASYLUM  --  NIGHT

Van Helsing leads Harker to a couch.

                                                        VAN HELSING
                                    In a few hours it will be dawn.  There is 
                                    much to do.   Wait here.  I will come for 
                                    you soon.  

Harker lies back on the couch.  Helsing exits.

EXT.  CEMETERY  --  DAY

Van Helsing picks the lock on the door to the Westenra Family Vault.

INT.  WESTENRA FAMILY VAULT  --  DAY

It is dark inside the vault, but there is enough light for Van Helsing to see what he is doing.   He pries off the lid of Lucy's stone tomb.  Inside, she lies sleeping, beautiful and alluring.  Van Helsing places a wooden stake over her heart.

INT.  INT.   FOYER OF THE INSANE ASYLUM  --  DAY

Harker is asleep on the couch.  Van Helsing shakes him awake.

                                                        VAN HELSING
                                    Mr. Harker!  Mr. Harker!  It is a glorious 
                                    day!! 

                                                            HARKER
                                                    (trying to sleep)
                                    Good.  Go outside and enjoy it.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    You must see!  I have avenged Miss Mina.

                                                            HARKER  
                                    Fine.  Go wake her up.  

                                                            VAN HARKER
                                    No!  It will do your heart good to see 
                                    what I have done.  Come!  You must 
                                    come see!!!  

Van Helsing drags Harker off the couch.

EXT.  CEMETERY  --  DAY

Van Helsing leads Harker to the Westenra Family Vault.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Lord Godalming is a fine nobleman, but 
                                    he is blinded by his affection for his fiancée.  
                                   
And Dr. Seward has trouble believing in  
                                    vampires.  Only we truly understand the 
                                    evil we face.  When I came here this afternoon, 
                                    I found Miss Lucy as Dracula changed her, 
                                    poisoned with his evil lust.  

INT.  WESTENRA FAMILY VAULT  --  DAY

Van Helsing leads Harker to Lucy's vault.

                                                            VAN HELSING  
                                    I gave her true death.  No longer is she the 
                                    creature Dracula made her.  Now she is her 
                                    own beautiful self.

Harker looks in the tomb.  Lucy is a five day old corpse with a stake in her heart.  Her skin is green and bloated.  Flies buzz around her.  It's a truly ghastly site.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I have given her back her purity.  

                                                            HARKER
                                    So that's how purity smells.

EXT.  CEMETERY  --  DAY

Van Helsing and Harker are leaving the vault.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Why'd you do this to Lucy?  Dracula's 
                                    the enemy!!!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                   
Don't worry.  He will share Miss Lucy's
                                    fate, as will all who trod the path of lust! 
                                    Last week,
I wired my friend Arminius to 
                                    send me a book.  It came this morning.  
                                   
It should give us all the answers we seek.

INT.   FOYER OF THE INSANE ASYLUM  --  NIGHT

Van Helsing is studying the book Arminius sent him.  Harker looks on.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    This is amazing.  Do you know where lust 
                                    comes from?

                                                            HARKER
                                    The lust and found?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Count Dracula is not just an ordinary  vampire. 
                                   
He is the chief lust demon.  He spreads lust  
                                    throughout the world.  Now, more than ever,
                                    it is our duty to destroy him. 
If we do that, 
                                    we will greatly lessen the lust in the world.

                                                            HARKER
                                    But you can't do that!   

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Why not?  Don't you know that lust is a sin?

                                                            HARKER
                                    Yeah, but it's the best one!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    There will still be lust in the world,  but much, 
                                    much less.  Now all we need to do is to get 
                                    Mina to tell us where the Count is. 

                                                            HARKER
                                    How would she know?  She's been locked
                                    in her bedroom since last night.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    She has Dracula's blood in her. 
According 
                                    to this book, I can make his blood speak to 
                                    us with hypnosis.  Come!  We must go back
                                    to the asylum! 

INT.  MINA'S BEDROOM  --  DAY

Mina sits on her bed while Van Helsing studies his book on demons.  Then he puts down the book and prepares to hypnotize Mina.  Harker, Seward and Renfield look on.

                                                            MINA
                                    But Doctor Van Helsing, is this really  
                                   
necessary?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Necessary to defeat the monster?  How can 
                                    you even ask?  Do you know what would 
                                    happen to your reputation if it were known  
                                    you were infected with vampire blood?  

Mina realizes she is being blackmailed, but doesn't have the courage to face society's disapproval.  Reluctantly, she submits to Van Helsing.

                                                            MINA
                                    Very well.  Do what you must.

Van Helsing stands over her, so she must look up at him.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Look at me.  Your eyes are tired.  Very 
                                    tired.  The sound of my voice makes you 
                                    want to sleep.

                                                            HARKER
                                    The sound of your voice makes everyone 
                                    want to sleep.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    You cannot keep your eyes open any
longer.  
                                   
You are now asleep.  You will tell me everything 
                                    I want to know.  First, tell me where you are.  

When Mina speaks under hypnosis, she speaks with Dracula's bad Italian accent.

                                                            MINA
                                                (as Dracula)
                                    How should I know?  I'm asleep.  I got my  
                                   
eyes closed.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Your eyes are closed, but you can hear.   
                                   
What do you hear?  

                                                            MINA
                                                (as Dracula)
                                    I hear a stupid doctor asking lots of dumb  
                                   
questions.

                                                        VAN HELSING
                                    So you know who I am?

                                                        MINA
                                                (as Dracula)
                                    Sure.  You're the bad guy in this story.

                                                        VAN HELSING
                                    That is merely your opinion.  Tell me, what  
                                   
else do you hear besides my questions?  

                                                        MINA
                                                (as Dracula)

                                    I hear water, like I'm floating on waves.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    You are on the water?

                                                            MINA
                                                (as Dracula)
                                    No, it doesn't smell like water.  I think it's  
                                   
blood.  I'm floating on a lake of blood!   
                                    And there's a giant cannoli floating by.  And  
                                   
sitting on the cannoli is Catherine the Great 
                                    playing bridge with Florence Nightingale.  
                                    H
ey, you know what I think?  I think this is
                                    all a dream!   I must be asleep!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Do you remember what you did right before 
                                    you went to sleep?  

                                                            MINA  
                                                (as Dracula)
                                    I closed my eyes.  I lay down in my coffin  
                                   
and closed my eyes.  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    And where is your coffin?

                                                            MINA
                                                (as Dracula)  
                                    I put it on a boat going back to
Transylvania.  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Why?

                                                            MINA
                                                (as Dracula)
                                    England's no fun.  It's too hard to find 
                                   
women who want to have a good time with  
                                    me.  I'm going back where the women take a 
                                    chance.  

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I see.  That will be all.  Miss Mina, when I snap
                                    my fingers, you will awake.

He snaps his fingers. Mina comes out of the trance.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Now I must take Miss Mina with me to
                                    Transylvania, where we will put an end to
                                    this fiend for once and for all.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Take Mina?  Why?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    So I can hypnotize her to find out why Dracula
                                    is planning!

                                                            HARKER
                                    And how do I find out what you're planning, - 
                                    as if I couldn't guess.  That's my finance you're
                                    talking about!  The woman to whom I pledged my
                                    troth!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    So?

                                                            HARKER
                                    If you're taking her to Transylvania, I want my
                                    troth back.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    You needn't be concerned.  I will treat her
                                    with all the respect a woman of her character
                                    deserves.

                                                            HARKER
                                    That's what I thought, you rat!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I will give you back Miss Mina, pure and unsullied.

                                                            HARKER
                                    That's the sullied-est thing I've ever heard.

                                                            MINA
                                    Can't we just let Dracula go?  He's gone from
                                    England. 

                                                                VAN HELSING
                                    It is his corruption running through your veins that
                                    makes you say that.  However, if you do not wish to
                                    accompany me, I can find other vampire-hunters who
                                    will be most pleased to track Dracula down and kill
                                    him.

                                                                HARKER
                                    Okay, Helsing.  You win.  We'll all go with you.

                                                                VAN HELSING
                                    Ah, good!  Finally, you listen to reason!  I will  
                                    go pack my bags and meet you here in one hour.

Van Helsing exits, leaving his book behind.  Seward casually thumbs through it, not really paying attention.. 

                                                                MINA
                                    Jonathan, why did you agree to help that man?

                                                                HARKER
                                    Who said I was going to help him?

                                                                MINA
                                                    (delighted)
                                    You mean you won't help him destroy Dracula?

                                                                HARKER
                                    As bad as Dracula is, Helsing's worse.  Now if
                                    only we had some clue as to how to stop him....

Seward puts the book down.  The camera pans in on a page of the book.  There is a drawing of Dracula labeled "Lust Demon."  Right below it is a picture of Van Helsing labeled "Pride Demon."

                                                                STEWART
                                    Well, I can't think of anything.

                                                                HARKER
                                    Neither can I... except how much Helsing
                                    reminds me of a sick walrus. 

                                                                SEWARD
                                    We'll just have to figure something out when we
                                    get to Transylvania.  We might as well all get 
                                    packed.  We've got a train to catch. 
 

They all go off to pack.  Seward grabs the book, closing it.

EXT.  A TRAIN MOVES THROUGH THE EASTERN EUROPEAN COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

A train from the 1890's moves carries Harker, Mina, Steward, Renfield and Van Helsing to Transylvania.

INT.  LOBBY OF THE INN  --  NIGHT

Harker, Mina, Steward, Renfield and Van Helsing check into the Golden Krone Inn.  The same Old Woman who was there at the beginning of the film is still sitting in the lobby.  The Inn Keeper is surprised to see Harker is back.   

                                                            HARKER
                                    Hi!  Remember me?  I'm back.

                                                            INN KEEPER
                                    You didn't pay us the last time you were here!

                                                            HARKER
                                    That's all right.  I won't pay you twice as much 
                                    this time.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Never mind that!  This is important!  We are
                                    here to rid you of Dracula.

                                                            OLD WOMAN
                                    Dracula!  Such a mensch he was! 

                                                            HARKER
                                    A mensch????  The last time I was here, you called
                                    him a nudnik, a gonif, a shnorrer, a momzer.

                                                            OLD WOMAN
                                    Sometimes you don't appreciate what you've
                                    got until it goes away.  When Dracula was here,
                                    everyone was... so lively.. you know what I
                                    mean?.  Even my husband here!  Every night,  
                                    he wouldn't leave me alone.  Such passion! 
                                    But since Dracula went away, I get bupkis. 

She turns to the Inn Keeper and addresses him directly:

                                                            OLD WOMAN
                                    You used to treat me like a beautiful woman! 
                                    Now, what does you think I am, chopped liver? 

Van Helsing leads Harker, Seward, Renfield, and Mina away from the Inn Keeper and the Old Woman.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Do you realize what this means?

                                                            HARKER
                                    Yes, I'll never be able to face a plate of chopped
                                    liver again!

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    It means Dracula has not yet returned to Transylvania! 
                                    By taking the train, we have beaten him here.  We have
                                    time to start the battle.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    What did you have in mind?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I will take Miss Mina and Lord Godalming to
                                    Dracula's castle to destroy Dracula's brides.  Mr.
                                    Harker and Dr. Steward must stay here and
                                    keep an eye out for Dracula.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Helsing, I know we haven't always seen eye to
                                    eye.  But knowing you're willing to go to castle 
                                    Dracula to confront those she-devils, ... well, 
                                    I've seen what those fiends can do to a man. 
                                    And if you're willing to attack them, I just want
                                    you to know, I think you're probably the biggest
                                    sap I've ever met.  Now go!  Go and take
                                    these other saps with you!

Harker shakes hands with Van Helsing and with Mina.  He holds out his hand to shake hands with Renfield, but instead Renfield embraces him and kisses him on the cheeks.

                                                            MINA
                                    Don't worry, Jonathan.  We'll be all right.  You
                                    stay here and... plan...  what to do about Dracula! 

Van Helsing exits with Mina and Renfield.  As soon as they are gone, Harker turns to Seward.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Quick!  We've got to figure out how to help
                                    Dracula defeat Helsing.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Maybe I can find something in that book that
                                    Van Helsing had on demons.  I took it with me.

Seward takes the book out of his luggage.  Seward starts looking through the book.

                                                            HARKER
                                    This can't be too hard.  After all, Helsing's only
                                    human.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Oh no he's not!  Look at this!

Harker looks at the book over Seward's shoulder.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    See?  Tell me isn't a picture of Van Helsing!    
                                    It says he's a pride demon! 

                                                            HARKER
                                    With a name like Hell-Sing, we should have known
                                    he was a demon!

                                                            SEWARD
                                    A lust demon spreads lust... and a pride demon 
                                    spreads pride.  But he doesn't do it by biting
                                    people.  A pride demon spread his sin through
                                    his powers of speech.  Van Helsing will infect you 
                                    with pride if you listen to him and take him 
                                    seriously. 

                                                            HARKER
                                    That means I'm safe!  Does he have a
                                    special weakness - like the way Dracula can't
                                    stand garlic?

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Yes!  Yes, it's right here!  It's a different plant
                                    than garlic.  But it works on pride demons the
                                    same way garlic works on Dracula!  This is perfect! 
                                    We've found the way to defeat Helsing!

Seward points at a passage in the book and shows it to Harker.  Harker reads it and then turns to the Inn Keeper.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Hey, Inn Keeper!  How are you fixed for tropical
                                    fruit?

INT.  CENTRAL ROOM IN CASTLE DRACULA  --  SUNSET

Van Helsing, Mina and Renfield enter.  Van Helsing consults his pocket watch.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    It is almost sunset and we haven't found the 
                                    coffins of the brides.  If only we hadn't lost the
                                    map...

Renfield grabs Van Helsing's arm and shakes his head "no."

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    No?  What do you mean, "no"?

Renfield reaches into his coat and takes out the map showing the way from the inn to Castle Dracula.  Renfield gives the map to Van Helsing.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    The map!  But before, when I asked you,  you...
                                    I...   Oh, never mind!   We must protect ourselves. 
                                    I have garlic powder which I will sprinkle to form
                                    a circle around us.  We will be safe within the circle.

Van Helsing takes a container of garlic powder and pours it in a circle on the floor around them.  When no one is watching him, Renfield tastes the garlic.  He enjoys it.

                                                            MINA
                                    Shouldn't we have crucifixes or holy water?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I prefer garlic.

                                                            MINA
                                    Why?

Van Helsing has to lie.  The truth is that being a Pride Demon, he doesn't like being exposed to religious artifacts any more than vampires do.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I.... um.... I dislike using religious artifacts around
                                    such evil creatures.  It seems disrespectful to the
                                    artifacts to expose them to vampires!.

Having finished creating the circle, Van Helsing attempts to put the container of garlic powder away, but Renfield deftly takes it from him, without Van Helsing noticing, and eats a huge helping of the garlic powder.

The Nine Vampire Women enter and attempt to seduce Van Helsing, Mina, and Renfield to come out of the circle of garlic powder.

                                                            1ST VAMPIRE WOMAN
                                    Visitors!

                                                            2ND VAMPIRE WOMAN
                                    Come to us!

                                                            3RD VAMPIRE WOMAN
                                    Join us!

                                                            4TH VAMPIRE WOMAN
                                    Come let us love you.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Don't listen to them!  They want to do unholy, unnatural
                                    things to you!

Renfield bursts out of the circle and runs to the Vampire Women!  But before they can suck his blood, they are repelled by his breath!

                                                            1ST VAMPIRE WOMAN
                                    Auuuughhh!

                                                            2ND VAMPIRE WOMAN
                                    Garlic breath!

                                                            3RD VAMPIRE WOMAN
                                    Horrible garlic breath!

                                                            4TH VAMPIRE WOMEN
                                    Run for your lives!

The Vampire Women run from Renfield, who tries to grab them.  He chases after them, trying to grab them, but they run from his garlic breath.

INT.  VARIOUS OTHER ROOMS IN CASTLE DRACULA --  NIGHT

Renfield chases the Nine Vampire Women through the Castle.  They run from him around tables.  He darts back and forth, crawling under tables, climbing over tables, but the Vampire Women always manage to escape him.  He tries to sneak up behind some of them, but they can smell his garlic breath before he can get close to them, and they run away.  Finally he has to give up and go back to Van Helsing and Mina.

INT.   CENTRAL ROOM IN CASTLE DRACULA  --  NIGHT

Renfield trudges back into the circle of garlic powder, where Van Helsing and Mina wait.  Van Helsing slaps him on the back to congratulate him.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I congratulate you, Lord Godalming.  Using the
                                    garlic to chase away those unholy fiends was a
                                    brilliant strategy.  Your noble breeding comes 
                                    through again!

Renfield makes a face at Van Helsing, but Van Helsing does not see because he is consulting his pocket watch.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Now there is nothing to do but wait for dawn!

INT.  LOBBY OF THE INN  --  NIGHT

Harker and Seward are preparing to leave the Inn.  The Inn Keeper and the his wife, the Old Woman, are there.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Thanks for the supplies!  

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Dracula should be back in Transylvania soon! 
                                    You'll be feeling better again in no time.

                                                            OLD WOMAN
                                    Actually, I'm starting to feel pretty good now.

                                                            INN KEEPER
                                    You're starting to look pretty good!

As the Inn Keeper and his wife exit arm in arm, Dracula enters.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I'm back!  Hey, Harker, I'm glad you're here! 
                                    I got a job for you!  I want you sell that house
                                    I own in England.

                                                            HARKER
                                    You mean the one you never paid me for?

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That's he one!  Only this time, we get the cash 
                                    up front.

                                                            SEWARD
                                    Count Dracula, we came here to warn you about
                                    Van Helsing!  He's a pride demon and he hates
                                    you!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    No kidding.  You think he'd want to buy my house?

                                                            SEWARD
                                    He's gone to your castle to try to kill your brides!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    My brides!  I better go to the castle!!!

                                                            SEWARD 
                                    Renfield and Mina are with him, and they'll slow
                                    him down. 

                                                            HARKER
                                    You run ahead!  We'll follow.

Dracula runs out!

INT.   CENTRAL ROOM IN CASTLE DRACULA  --  NIGHT  (RIGHT BEFORE DAWN)

Van Helsing, Mina and Renfield are sleeping within the circle of garlic powder.  Enter Dracula with several Vampire Women.

                                                            1ST VAMPIRE WOMAN
                                    There he is!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Okay.  I'll take care of this.

The Vampire Women exit.  Dracula starts to go up to Van Helsing, but he can't cross the garlic powder.  He looks around the room, finds a suitable object to toss at Van Helsing to wake him up (such as a book, a candle, a piece of statuary), and tosses it at Van Helsing's head to wake him up.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Owww!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    That's the problem with pride!  You always get a
                                    big swollen head.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    So you know who I am!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Sure, you're a pride demon; I'm a lust demon. 
                                    We're both demons.  Why do you want to kill
                                    me and my friends?   

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Why?  You dare to ask me why?  Do you realize
                                    the early Christians thought pride was the worst
                                    of the seven deadly sins!  Pride led to Lucifer's fall! 
                                    But now, the only sin anyone talks about is lust! 
                                    No one gives pride the respect it deserves!  But
                                    that will all change when I destroy you! 

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Hey, you want to buy a house?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    No!  I do not want to buy a house!  I want to
                                    destroy you, eradicate you, wipe every trace
                                    of you off the planet!

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Are you sure you're not an anger demon? 

Van Helsing consults his pocket watch.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    You have made one serious mistake, Count
                                    Dracula.  Sunlight destroys lust demons and
                                    other vampires, but it is harmless to pride
                                    demons.

Mina and Renfield wake up.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    Yeah?  So?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    So... the sun is up, and you are doomed!

                                                            MINA
                                    No!!!!!

Van Helsing runs out of the circle of garlic powder to a wall where a huge curtain hangs in front of a window.  Triumphantly, Van Helsing yanks the curtain down.

However, the window has been bricked up.  No sunlight enters.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    I've been living here hundreds of years.  You really
                                    thought I wouldn't have bricked up the windows by
                                    now?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    I will destroy you if I have to push you through those
                                    bricks with my bare hands!

Van Helsing advances on Dracula, but before he can get to him, Harker enters and stands in front of Dracula.

                                                            HARKER
                                    Not so fast, Helsing!

Harker reaches into his pocket and pulls out a banana!  Van Helsing hisses at it as a vampire would hiss at a crucifix. 

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Curse you, Harker!

Van Helsing runs.  He tries to exit the room, but waiting for him at the other door is Seward, who also holds out a banana!  Van Helsing hisses at Seward and his banana!

                                                            HARKER
                                    You can't have pride in the face of a banana,
                                    can you, Helsing?

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Put that cursed fruit away!!!

                                                            SEWARD
                                    He can't even say the word!

                                                            HARKER
                                    Come on, Helsing.  Say, "banana!"

Van Helsing hisses again.  He runs into the circle of garlic powder and grabs the necks of Mina and Renfield, one in each hand.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    Put those away or I will snap their necks! 
                                    I mean it!  Leave this land and never come
                                    back, or I will kill Miss Mina and Lord
                                    Godalming!!!

Harker and Seward back away.

                                                            VAN HELSING
                                    You thought to defeat me, with your pathetic
                                    yellow produce.  I am the king of the pride
                                    demons!  How do you think I got to master
                                    the sin of pride!  I earned it.  I earned the right
                                    to be proud!  And I will spread dignity and pride 
                                    throughout the world!

                                                            HARKER
                                    What I wouldn't give for a banana cream pie!

Renfield's face lights up.  He grins, reaches into his coat, and pulls out a banana cream pie, which he smashes into Van Helsing's face!

                                                                VAN HELSING
                                    No!  No!!!!  You have assaulted my dignity!!!!

                                                                HARKER
                                    Hey, Helsing, have a banana!

Harker stuffs a banana in Van Helsing's mouth.  Van Helsing dies! 

Renfield and Mina leave the circle of garlic powder and join Harker and Seward.

                                                                MINA
                                    I don't understand.  What happened?

                                                                DRACULA
                                    Van Helsing was a pride demon.

                                                                SEWARD
                                    The one thing pride demons can't stand are bananas. 
                                    It affects them like garlic affects vampires!

                                                                MINA
                                   And we've destroyed him!

                                                                HARKER
                                    Yeah, I wish I could take pride in that.  But somehow,
                                    I just can't manage it.

Dracula turns to Renfield and points to Renfield's coat.

                                                            DRACULA
                                    You got any cannolis in there?

 

                                                            FADE TO BLACK.

 

CREDITS.

   

THE END

 

©  2001- 2005 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the scripts may not be staged, filmed or otherwise performed  without the author's express  permission.

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