The Princess Who Never Farted
by Richard Nathan
Lights come up on a STORYTELLER reading a story out of a book.
Once upon a time, in the magical kingdom
of Fuddle-Don-Dell, there lived a beautiful
Princess named Philissima Lee.
Enter the PRINCESS who smiles at the audience.
Princess Philissima was the most
beautiful Princess anyone in Fuddel-
Don-Dell had ever seen. Her parents the
King and Queen were very proud of
Enter the KING AND QUEEN.
We are very proud of Princess
Yes, we are.
There was just one thing that
concerned them about the
beautiful Princess. As far as they
could tell, Princess Philissima Lee
had never, ever farted.
Itís not natural!
Ö said the King. He tried everything
to get his daughter to fart. He fed her
baked beans, and chickpeas, and extra
cheesy burritos, and radishes and cabbage,
but nothing could make the Princess
Maybe she farts when sheís alone.
Ö said the Queen. But the King pointed
out the Princess was always surrounded
by her ladies in waiting, who all swore that
she had never, ever farted.
I will give my daughterís hand in marriage
to anyone who can make her fart.
Ö. proclaimed the King.
Whoever finds a way to make the
Princess fart will be given her royal
hand in marriage, but anyone who
attempts to make her fart and fails -
will have his head cut off.
All the Princess in all the neighboring
lands were afraid to try to make the
Princess fart, because they knew their
heads would be cut off if they failed,
but brave Prince Strong-And-Bold,
the handsomest Prince in all the world,
decided to give it a try.
Enter the PRINCE.
I know what to do.
The Prince knew a mighty sorcerer,
who knew more magic than anyone
who ever lived. So the Prince rode to
cave where the evil sorcerer dwelled.
The Prince crosses to the other side of the stage.
Come out of your cave, evil sorcerer!
Enter the EVIL SORCERER.
Who summons me from my cave?
It is I, Prince Strong-And-Bold! I
have heard you know the secrets
of many magic potions.
Then you must give me a potion to
make Princess Philissima Lee fart.
Give it to me, or I will hit you very,
Oh, all right.
The Sorcerer gives the Prince a magic potion.
The sorcerer prepared the mightiest fart-
inducing magic potion the world had ever
known, and he gave it to the Prince,
who took it and rode back to the castle where
Princess Philissima Lee lived.
The Prince crosses the stage and gives the potion to the Princess who drinks it.
And he gave her the magic potion, but still
she would not fart!
I donít get it. This is the mightiest fart-
inducing potion in all the world. Why
didnít it work?
Because Iím a fairy tale princess, okay!
And fairy tale princesses donít fart!
The Prince goes to talk to the King.
She wonít fart because sheís a fairy tale
princess. Fairy tale princesses donít fart.
So the King had the Princeís head cut off.
And the Princess lived fartlessly ever after.
© 2007 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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