PLAYHOUSE OF THE DAMNED

PLAYHOUSE OF THE DAMNED

"Dreading the Wedding"

by Richard Nathan

The spotlight is up on our host, GUS THE GHOUL.

GUS THE GHOUL
Our next story is all about wedded bliss…

…ters. I call it, "Dreading the Wedding."

Gus exits. Lights come up on ROBERT, PAUL, NANCY and JOAN, who are guests at a wedding that is about to be performed.

ROBERT
Isn’t anyone going to do anything?

NANCY
No. It’s not up to us.

JOAN
How can you say that?

NANCY
Because I know what’s good for me.

ROBERT
We owe Al everything!

                                                            PAUL
                                    Which is why we should let this
                                    be his decision.

ROBERT
But he doesn’t know what he’s doing!

NANCY
We don’t know that!

                                                            PAUL
                                    This never would have happened in the
                                    old days!

NANCY
Shhh. Here he comes!

Enter AL, using a walker. He’s almost a hundred years old.

AL
Where’s Susan?

                                                            PAUL
                                    You’re not supposed to see her
                                    before the ceremony.

                                                            AL
                                    I’ve seen her plenty of times. Why
                                    would I marry her if I hadn’t seen her?

                                                            NANCY
                                    You’re not supposed to see her
                                    today. Not until the ceremony.

AL
Oh. Okay.

                                                            ROBERT
                                    Al, you know how much we all love
                                    you.

AL
Do you want to marry me too?

ROBERT
No, it’s just…

JOAN
We’re all so grateful.

                                                            PAUL
                                    You’ve done so much for all of us. For
                                    the family.

                                                            NANCY
                                    We want to be sure you’re going to
                                    be happy.

                                                            AL
                                    Why shouldn’t I be happy? It’s not like
                                    I’m going to be marrying some woman I’ve
                                    never seen.

                                                            JOAN
                                    Did you ever think you might be too old
                                    for Susan?

AL
Too old? Susan makes me feel like a kid.

                                                            ROBERT
                                    You know how much I respect you. I
                                    would never, ever say anything to hurt
                                    you. But, Al, even if you think Susan
                                    makes you feel young…..

AL
Yes?

ROBERT
You’re….

AL
Yes?

                                                            ROBERT
                                    You’re not… Let me put it this way:
                                    You are what we call… mature.

                                                            AL
                                    I know. You think I don’t know that?
                                    It’s why I like having a beautiful young
                                    woman to keep me company. At my
                                    age, you want someone young and
                                    beautiful to keep you company.

JOAN
Do you think she loves you?

AL
Why else would she marry me?

JOAN
You do have a lot of money.

                                                            AL
                                    Yeah. Maybe so. But I can’t think of
                                    anything nicer to spend it on than a beautiful
                                    young woman to keep me company. Where’s
                                    the Priest? At my age, they shouldn’t keep me
                                    waiting.

Enter the PRIEST.

                                                            PRIEST
                                    Did I hear someone calling for a
                                    Priest.

                                                            AL
                                    Can we start the ceremony? I don’t
                                    think I can stand up much longer.

Enter SUSAN, the bride. She’s an obnoxious golddigger, but pretty.

                                                            SUSAN
                                    You heard the groom, Father. Let’s get
                                    moving.

PRIEST
Dearly beloved…

Could you please just skip to the vows. I
think my leg’s asleep.

PRIEST
Very well, if you insist!

SUSAN
He insists!

                                                            PRIEST
                                    Do you, Albert, take as your lawful wife, to
                                    have and to hold, from this day forward, for
                                    better or for worse, for richer or for poorer,
                                    in sickness and in health, to love and cherish,

….

AL
I just want someone to keep me company.

SUSAN
Just say, “I do!”

Al suffers a heart attack. He grabs his chest and falls to the floor. Susan immediately
gets down on her knees beside him.

SUSAN
Say it! Say, “I do!”

She pounds on his chest and starts performing CPR. In between pounding on his chest and breathing into his mouth she screams,

SUSAN
Say it! Say, “I do!”

Everyone looks on in horror. Finally, summoning his last breath, Al says:

I do.

SUSAN
I do too.

She stops performing CPR and he dies. Susan stands and turns to face the wedding guests.

                                                            SUSAN
                                    You heard him. He said, “I do.”
                                    No one can say he didn’t marry me.

ROBERT
We know that.

SUSAN
I get the full inheritance.

                                                            NANCY
                                    But there’s something the Priest
                                    left out.

SUSAN
What? What did he leave out?

PRIEST
I didn’t say, “Til death do you part.”

SUSAN
So what? So what if he didn’t say that.

JIM
You can leave now, Father.

The Priest leaves quickly.

                                                            SUSAN
                                    He didn’t have to say, “Til death do
                                    you part” for us to be married. You try
                                    anything, I can get a dozen lawyers.

                                                            ROBERT
                                    It seems to me that if the Priest didn’t say,
                                    “Til death do you part,” then you shouldn’t
                                    part.

SUSAN
What are you talking about? Are you crazy?

NANCY
No, we’re family.

SUSAN
So?

                                                            NANCY
                                    What you might call a crime family.
                                    Al was the head of the family.

                                                            SUSAN
                                                     (sarcastic)
                                    Oh yeah. Right. That old man?

NANCY
That old man.

                                                            SUSAN
                                    He made his fortune in the mortuary
                                    business.

                                                            JOAN
                                    That was just a cover. That sweet old
                                    man headed one of most successful
                                    syndicates in New Jersey.

                                                            ROBERT
                                    And what we wanted most was for you
                                    to keep him company. I think you
                                    should.

                                                            SUSAN
                                    What are you saying? Are you saying
                                    you’re gonna do something to me?
                                    You can’t do that.

NANCY
Who’s going to stop us?

                                                            ROBERT
                                    We regularly engage in robbery,
                                    extortion, drug dealing, and murder. I
                                    don’t think we need to worry about
                                    doing something to you.

SUSAN
What are you going to do?

                                                            NANCY
                                    Robert, Paul, go get a coffin. A big one.
                                    One big enough for two. Al wanted
                                    Susan to keep him company.

Susan SCREAMS.

Blackout! A spotlight picks up Gus.

                                                            GUS
                                    I guess that’s what you call being
                                    married alive!

THE END

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Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.