"The Truth About Aliens"

                                                               by Richard Nathan


Before the lights come up, a voice announces the title of the story:

                                    "The Truth About Aliens"

The Press Room at the White House.  A crowd of REPORTERS ask questions of HOWARD STANLEY, the Press Secretary, who is standing at a podium. 

                                                            FIRST REPORTER
                                    Howard!  Can you tell us why the President
                                    has asked for primetime network coverage?

                                                            SECOND REPORTER
                                    Howard!  Does this have to do with the Middle

                                    If you'll all be patient, the President will explain 
                                    everything to you.  I'm sure you'll find it worth the 
                                    wait.  It's big.  That's all I'm gong to say.  Oh, here
                                    he is now.

The PRESIDENT enters.  Stanley steps aside, and the President takes his place at the podium.

                                    Cameras rolling?  Five... four... three... two...
                                    one, cut to me!

As the camera starts covering him, the President smiles to the public.

                                    My fellow Americans, and fellow citizens of 
                                    other nations, welcome to the Press Room 
                                    of the White House.  I have requested this 
                                    air time to reveal to you the most historic event 
                                    of modern history.  We have received our very 
                                    first visitor from another planet.  I'm going to 
                                    call our visitor "he" because it doesn't feel right 
                                    to call him "it, even though he's not really a "he."  
                                    His people don't come equipped with gender 
                                    in the sense that you and I do.  Not that I wish 
                                    to exclude the ladies here, who also have gender, 
                                    but we had to call our visitor "he" or "she" or "it," 
                                    so we had a vote, and all the guys voted for "he."  
                                    Anyway, he landed in a single passenger craft 
                                    on one of our air force bases two months ago.  
                                    We've kept his arrival secret until we were 
                                    absolutely sure he was one hundred percent 
                                    totally safe and friendly, and I can assure you, 
                                    this little guy is two hundred percent safe and   
                                    friendly, at a minimum.  He's really cute as a bug.  
                                    He calls himself Fozzbozz.  Before I bring him 
                                    out, I'd like to play a recording he brought with 
                                    him from his planet Geezlepod.

Lights go out on the press room and go up on another area of the stage, where the recording appears.  This can be either on film or tape, or it can be enacted live.  We see KING WOIVUE of the planet Geezlepod.

                                                            KING WOIVUE
                                    People of Earth, I am King Woivue of Geezlepod.  
                                    We are sending you our ambassador Fozzbozz to 
                                    demonstrate our friendship.  We have seen you 
                                    on the television signals you broadcast, and we 
                                    like them very much, especially "Starsky and Hutch."  
                                    We would like to be your friends.  We hope you 
                                    will want to be our friends too.

The lights go out on the recording and come back up on the Press Room.  

                                    And now, please give a warm welcome to 
                                    Ambassador Fozzbozz.

The President steps aside from the podium.  FOZZBOZZ enters and steps up the to podium.  He is as cute as Barney the dinosaur, or a Teletubby.

                                                            FIRST REPORTER
                                    Ambassador Fozzbozz!  What is your 
                                    favorite episode of "Starsky and Hutch"?

                                                            SECOND REPORTER
                                   How do you feel about the casting of Ben 
                                   Stiller and Owen Wilson in the big screen 

                                                            THIRD REPORTER
                                    Why do you think that David Soul and Paul 
                                    Michael Glaser aren't doing more work today?

                                                            FOURTH REPORTER
                                    Do you have people like Huggy Bear on your 

Fozzbozz hold up his hands asking for a moment of silence.  The questions stop.

                                    You're are all morons!!!  Did you really believe 
                                    a species that could cross the universe would 
                                    watch "Starsky and Hutch"?  

                                                            FIRST REPORTER
                                    But you said it was your favorite show!

                                    That was a pretext.

                                                            SECOND REPORTER
                                    I bet you prefer "Seinfeld."

                                    The time has come to reveal the truth.  We are 
                                    marauders with weaponry your scientists 
                                    haven't even begun to comprehend!  We have 
                                    come to enslave you.  And to prove our power, I 
                                    am now going to atomize your President with this 
                                    lezotto ray!

Fozzbozz takes out a ray gun and shoots it at the President.  Nothing happens.

                                    That's impossible!  There's no defense against 
                                    a lezotto ray!

                                    Maybe not on Geezlepod, but we've 
                                    developed an effective Trazulian Shield on 
                                    the planet Malican.


                                    Did you really thing someone as foolish as 
                                    I've pretended to be could be capable of 
                                    rising to the highest office of the most 
                                    powerful country on this planet?  Even on 
                                    such a backward planet as Earth, that 
                                    would require some intelligence!  I've been 
                                    preparing for the conquest of Earth by my 
                                    fellow Malicanians.  Unfortunately, you've 
                                    forced me to reveal my true nature slightly 
                                    before the invasion fleet is scheduled to 
                                    arrive.  For that, I'll destroy you with my 
                                    batama gun!

The President takes out a ray gun and attempts to blast Fozzbozz.  Nothing happens.

                                    Why isn't my batama gun working?

                                                            FIRST REPORTER
                                    Did you really think that all the reporters for 
                                    all the major media organizations really 
                                    shared the intellect of a lobotomized squirrel?  
                                    We've known who you were all along, and we've 
                                    been waiting for you to make your move.  In the 
                                    meantime, we've inundated the entire planet with 
                                    sovuttee rays, which nullify the power of batama 

                                    Who are you?

                                                            SECOND REPORTER
                                    We are the advance guard from the planet 
                                    Yarlootak.  The Earth is ours by right of 

Each of the Reporters takes out a ray gun.

                                    I'm afraid not.

Howard takes out his own ray gun and shoots it at the reporters, who all react in pain and drop their ray guns.

                                                            THIRD REPORTER
                                    What planet are you from?

                                    The Earth!  Did you really think we Earthlings 
                                    were so stupid that we'd elect a seeming 
                                    imbecile as the U.S. President, or that we'd be 
                                    willing to get our news from clowns like you?  
                                    We've Earthlings have been aware of the presence 
                                    of aliens among us for decades!  But we didn't 
                                    want you to know we knew!  We've secretly been 
                                    monitoring your actions, while pretending to be 
                                    idiots, to lull you into a false sense of security, 
                                    while our scientists have been developing 
                                    weapons and defenses against you.  We could 
                                    blow up your entire planets right now if we 
                                    wanted to.  Now go home!  Immediately!  Or 
                                    you'll have hell to pay!  I mean it!

The President, the reporters, and Fozzbozz hurry offstage.

                                    What sort of idiots did they take us for???






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2002 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

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