FICTION BLAST-OFF THEATER
"The Truth About Aliens"
by Richard Nathan
Before the lights come up, a voice announces the title of the story:
"The Truth About Aliens"
The Press Room at the White House. A crowd of REPORTERS ask questions of HOWARD STANLEY, the Press Secretary, who is standing at a podium.
Howard! Can you tell us why the President
has asked for primetime network coverage?
Howard! Does this have to do with the Middle
If you'll all be patient, the President will explain
everything to you. I'm sure you'll find it worth the
wait. It's big. That's all I'm gong to say. Oh, here
he is now.
The PRESIDENT enters. Stanley steps aside, and the President takes his place at the podium.
Cameras rolling? Five... four... three... two...
one, cut to me!
As the camera starts covering him, the President smiles to the public.
My fellow Americans, and fellow citizens of
other nations, welcome to the Press Room
of the White House. I have requested this
air time to reveal to you the most historic event
of modern history. We have received our very
first visitor from another planet. I'm going to
call our visitor "he" because it doesn't feel right
to call him "it, even though he's not really a "he."
His people don't come equipped with gender
in the sense that you and I do. Not that I wish
to exclude the ladies here, who also have gender,
but we had to call our visitor "he" or "she" or "it,"
so we had a vote, and all the guys voted for "he."
Anyway, he landed in a single passenger craft
on one of our air force bases two months ago.
We've kept his arrival secret until we were
absolutely sure he was one hundred percent
totally safe and friendly, and I can assure you,
this little guy is two hundred percent safe and
friendly, at a minimum. He's really cute as a bug.
He calls himself Fozzbozz. Before I bring him
out, I'd like to play a recording he brought with
him from his planet Geezlepod.
Lights go out on the press room and go up on another area of the stage, where the recording appears. This can be either on film or tape, or it can be enacted live. We see KING WOIVUE of the planet Geezlepod.
People of Earth, I am King Woivue of Geezlepod.
We are sending you our ambassador Fozzbozz to
demonstrate our friendship. We have seen you
on the television signals you broadcast, and we
like them very much, especially "Starsky and Hutch."
We would like to be your friends. We hope you
will want to be our friends too.
The lights go out on the recording and come back up on the Press Room.
And now, please give a warm welcome to
The President steps aside from the podium. FOZZBOZZ enters and steps up the to podium. He is as cute as Barney the dinosaur, or a Teletubby.
Ambassador Fozzbozz! What is your
favorite episode of "Starsky and Hutch"?
How do you feel about the casting of Ben
Stiller and Owen Wilson in the big screen
Why do you think that David Soul and Paul
Michael Glaser aren't doing more work today?
Do you have people like Huggy Bear on your
Fozzbozz hold up his hands asking for a moment of silence. The questions stop.
You're are all morons!!! Did you really believe
a species that could cross the universe would
watch "Starsky and Hutch"?
But you said it was your favorite show!
That was a pretext.
I bet you prefer "Seinfeld."
The time has come to reveal the truth. We are
marauders with weaponry your scientists
haven't even begun to comprehend! We have
come to enslave you. And to prove our power, I
am now going to atomize your President with this
Fozzbozz takes out a ray gun and shoots it at the President. Nothing happens.
That's impossible! There's no defense against
a lezotto ray!
Maybe not on Geezlepod, but we've
developed an effective Trazulian Shield on
the planet Malican.
Did you really thing someone as foolish as
I've pretended to be could be capable of
rising to the highest office of the most
powerful country on this planet? Even on
such a backward planet as Earth, that
would require some intelligence! I've been
preparing for the conquest of Earth by my
fellow Malicanians. Unfortunately, you've
forced me to reveal my true nature slightly
before the invasion fleet is scheduled to
arrive. For that, I'll destroy you with my
The President takes out a ray gun and attempts to blast Fozzbozz. Nothing happens.
Why isn't my batama gun working?
Did you really think that all the reporters for
all the major media organizations really
shared the intellect of a lobotomized squirrel?
We've known who you were all along, and we've
been waiting for you to make your move. In the
meantime, we've inundated the entire planet with
sovuttee rays, which nullify the power of batama
Who are you?
We are the advance guard from the planet
Yarlootak. The Earth is ours by right of
Each of the Reporters takes out a ray gun.
I'm afraid not.
Howard takes out his own ray gun and shoots it at the reporters, who all react in pain and drop their ray guns.
What planet are you from?
The Earth! Did you really think we Earthlings
were so stupid that we'd elect a seeming
imbecile as the U.S. President, or that we'd be
willing to get our news from clowns like you?
We've Earthlings have been aware of the presence
of aliens among us for decades! But we didn't
want you to know we knew! We've secretly been
monitoring your actions, while pretending to be
idiots, to lull you into a false sense of security,
while our scientists have been developing
weapons and defenses against you. We could
blow up your entire planets right now if we
wanted to. Now go home! Immediately! Or
you'll have hell to pay! I mean it!
The President, the reporters, and Fozzbozz hurry offstage.
What sort of idiots did they take us for???
here to go to more
SCIENCE FICTION BLAST-OFF THEATER
science fiction scripts
© 2002 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
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