APRIL GHOUL

APRIL GHOUL’S DAY

by Richard Nathan

The spotlight is up on our host, GUS THE GHOUL, while the stage is set up for the next story, which takes place in a cheap furnished apartment. Gus speaks to the audience:

GUS

                                    April is the ghoul-est month. In
                                    honor of the month of April, we
                                    present this story I call, “April
                                    Ghoul’s Day.”

Gus exits. Lights come up on the furnished apartment. Present are ANDY and his girlfriend MARIA and their acquaintance OLIVE. Olive is ranting:

                                                OLIVE
                                    He is like such a total dork. I mean,
                                    like I know it’s not a crime to have
                                    no sense of style, but like maybe it
                                    should be. I just… I hate him. Okay,
                                    I know the bible says we should like, …

I don’t know…. be nice to people…

ANDY
Yeah, that’s what the bible says.

MARIA
I think it’s in the New Testament.

                                                OLIVE
                                    And I try! I really try! Especially
                                    with people I like. But there’s a limit,
                                    you know? And for me, Melvin is
                                    like way past the limit.

MARIA
It’s worse than you think.

ANDY
Much worse.

OLIVE
No. It couldn’t. No way!

MARIA
He is.

                                                ANDY
                                    Melvin is totally obsessed with
                                    “Playhouse of the Damned.”

                                                MARIA
                                    He’s got a poster of Gus the
                                    Ghoul in his bedroom.

OLIVE
Eeewwwww! I mean….

                                    Eeewwwww! I’m like totally
                                    embarrassed to even admit I’ve
                                    even heard of “Playhouse of
                                    the….” you know. It’s like
                                    so.. so dorky!

MARIA
We know.

                                                ANDY
                                    Which is why we’re punking
                                    Melvin. We’re going to do
                                    something awful to him.

                                                MARIA
                                    You understand what to do,
                                    right?

                                                OLIVE
                                    You’ve only told me like fifty times!
                                    I lie under the sheet like I’m dead,
                                    and then when you pull the sheet off, I
                                    like sit up and yell, “Happy New Year!”

                                                MARIA
                                    No. Today is April First. You don’t
                                    say, “Happy New Year.” You say,
                                    “April Fools, Melvin!”

ANDY
April Fools!

OLIVE
That’s what I meant.

                                                ANDY
                                    Okay! I hear them coming up the
                                    stairs.

OLIVE
Them?

                                                MARIA
                                    We told you! Tony’s bringing him!
                                    For the special dinner!

ANDY
Get under the sheet and act dead!

Olive lies on a table or she could just lie down on the floor. Maria covers her with a sheet. Maria and Andy stand in front of Olive, so that she won’t be immediately visible to Melvin when he enters. An instant later, TONY, a friend of Maria and Andy, enters with MELVIN.

MELVIN
Okay, I want my surprise!

                                                TONY
                                    First you have to guess what it is.
                                    It‘s something we think you‘ll really
                                    really like!

MELVIN
Umm… Is it porn?

MARIA
No. It’s not porn.

MELVIN
A hooker?

MARIA
It’s not a hooker.

                                                ANDY
                                    You’ve never even had a hooker! You told me
                                    you’ve never had any woman.

MELVIN
But I’d like one.

                                                TONY
                                    Melvin, what do you like best in
                                    all the world?

MELVIN
Porn?

                                                MARIA
                                    Besides porn! Besides porn and
                                    hookers.

Melvin thinks this over for a minute.

MELVIN
Playhouse of the Damned!!!

                                                TONY
                                    That’s right. Playhouse of the
                                    Damned and Gus the Ghoul.

                                                MARIA
                                    And we like Playhouse of the
                                    Damned too. You know why,
                                    Melvin?

ANDY
Because we’re ghouls.

TONY

Flesh eating ghouls.

Melvin is shocked. We can’t tell if he’s pleasantly shocked or unpleasantly shocked – but we can tell he’s shocked.

                                                MARIA
                                    There’s nothing like cutting off
                                    a hunk of meat from a dead
                                    person, and eating it while the
                                    blood drips down your chin.

TONY
Yummy!

                                                MARIA
                                    And knowing you, Melvin,
                                    we thought you might like to
                                    join us for dinner. We have a
                                    nice fresh corpse.

Maria and Andy step away from the sheet covered Olive, so that Melvin can see her (although she’s still covered by the sheet.

ANDY
So what do you say, Melvin?

TONY
You want to dig in?

MELVIN
Would I?

Melvin looks delighted. Melvin pulls a big dagger out of his pocket, and plunges it through the sheet into Olive. Olive screams and rises.

OLIVE
He… he….he….

ANDY
Like… stabbed you.

MARIA
Yes he did.

                                                TONY
                                    Just as we planned. You see,
                                    we really are ghouls.

                                                MARIA
                                    But it’s so hard to find corpses
                                    without that nasty formaldehyde.
                                    We always suspected Melvin was
                                    secretly a serial killer…

MELVIN
Yeah, I am.

                                                TONY
                                    So we invited him to dinner…
                                    and the joke’s on you!

ANDY
Happy April Ghoul’s Day.

Olive dies.

Blackout! Everyone exits. GUS THE GHOUL enters. A spotlight picks up Gus.

                                                GUS
                                    It’s so nice when fiends get together
                                    to celebrate the holidays. Especially
                                    when they all gather round for a
                                    special dinner.

THE END

Click here to go to another PLAYHOUSE OF THE DAMNED story

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.