PLAYHOUSE OF
THE DAMNED
"Pieces Of Bait"
by Richard Nathan
The spotlight is up on our host, GUS THE GHOUL, while the set for the next story is prepared. Most of the stage will represent the living room of a small cabin in the tropics. There are several boxes packed, because the man who lives in the cabin is about to move out. There are some bottles of booze and glasses upstage. Downstage left is an area that will represent the deck of a charter fishing boat. This area includes a deck chair. Sometimes in the story the boat will be at sea, and sometimes it will be at a dock.
GUS
The next tale is really scaly! That’s
because
it’s about deep sea fishing. And
someone
is going to get gilled. Some parts
of the story
take place over here in the home of Fred
Martins, a charter boat fishing captain. The
rest takes place over here on this boat, and
on the dock. The title of this
naughty nautical
is “Pieces of Bait.”
Gus exits. There’s a lout clap of thunder and we hear the sounds of a rainstorm. The lights come up on the cabin. FRED and his friend SHERRY run in the front door, out of the rain. Fred is a charter boat captain. Sherry is a waitress at a nearby saloon. Fred is scared, but trying to hide his fear.
SHERRY
Just one drink, and . . .
She notices the boxes.
SHERRY
What...? You going someplace?
FRED
Sorry. I should have said something
earlier.
Tomorrow, my stuff goes to my sister’s
house in Ohio. And I’m going with
it.
SHERRY
But… you love the sea. You couldn’t live
without it.
FRED
I never want to see it or hear it or smell it,
ever again! Never!
SHERRY
Why not?
Fred goes over to the bottles and pours two drinks.
FRED
There was an accident. You want to hear
about it? That’s the real reason
I brought
you here tonight, to tell you the story. I’ve
got to tell someone.
SHERRY
You’re in some kind of trouble.
She sits down on a stack of the boxes.
Fred can’t sit. He’s too nervous. He
paces.
FRED
Sherry, you remember that English guy who
kept hanging around the docks?
SHERRY
The one who kept coming into the saloon
and ordering tea?
FRED
That’s him! Cyril Trattnor!
He kept
chartering my boat. I’ve taken
jerks fishing
before, but never one like him!
SHERRY
If he was such a jerk, why’d you let him
charter you?
FRED
I shouldn’t have! But you know
how the
season’s been! I wouldn’t have
taken
Trattnor if I couldn’t found any other paying
customer! And he was a paying
customer
all right. At the end of each trip
he’d hand
me $350 in cash and he’d say…
The sound of the rain stops, and TRATTNOR enters onto
the boat. Fred walks over to the
boat, and takes the big wad of cash that Trattnor hands him.
TRATTNOR
Same time tomorrow, Freddy old chum?
I feel certain that tomorrow I shall catch a
shark at last!
FRED
I don’t know, Mr. Trattnor. I’d
sort of
promised this other party….
TRATTNOR
Really? Who?
Some old salt, I dare say,
eh? I
should really like to meet an American
old salt, like that fellow in “Jaws,” the one
who gets eaten in the end? I’ll
wager we
could find a shark with someone like that on
board, eh? Of course, I don’t
mean to imply
that you don’t know what you’re doing, old
chum, but sometimes I do get the impression
that you’re not terribly keen on sharks, eh?
FRED
It’s like I told you, Mr. Trattnor. Most
captains don’t consider sharks a sporting
fish. You
see, a shark – especially a big one –
he’ll just be a strong drag on your line.
He
won’t dive and run and leap out of the water
like a marlin or a sail or a tarpon will. A marlin
is probably the best sporting fish. But
a shark
is kind of dull to bring in.
TRATTNOR
Dull? That shark in “Jaws”
wasn’t dull.
Awfully clever fish, I’d say.
FRED
That was a movie!
TRATTNOR
Scary, though, wasn’t it? But if you don’t
want to go after sharks, you needn’t feel
compelled on my account. We’ll
just keep
chasing after these marvins you’re so fond of.
FRED
Marlins.
TRATTNOR
Right. Now, if you’ll just help
me up onto
the dock…
Fred helps Trattnor climb out of the boat onto the
dock.
TRATTNOR
I think I’ll stop by in the morning, just in case
that other party doesn’t show up. Ta-ta!
Trattnor waves and exits. The sound of the rain starts again. Fred turns to Sherry and continues the story.
FRED
I’d spend the rest of the day pleading with
tourists to charter my boat. But no
luck.
And early the next morning I’d find myself
stuck with Trattnor again. It was like there
was nothing on heaven or earth that could
keep him away from going out on my boat!
The rain stops as Trattnor enters and walks up to the
boat. Fred turns to face Trattnor.
TRATTNOR
Freddy, old chum! Looks like your
party
let you down, eh? Good luck for me!
Shall we be off? Out to see, after all
those
helpless fish! Look out, you fish!
Here
comes Trattnor!
Trattnor enters the boat.
FRED
(resigned)
Look out, fish!
TRATTNOR
You know, Freddy, I’ll wager I could catch
a shark
if you’d throw a few handfuls of
bait out into the water.
Just a few tasty bits
of dead fish, to tempt the sharks to come in
closer, eh?
FRED
Chum.
TRATTNOR
Yes?
FRED
Chum.
Trattnor looks at him blankly.
FRED
It’s called “chum.”
TRATTNOR
What’s called, chum?
FRED
The bait! The bait is called chum.
TRATTNOR
The bait is called? Who calls it?
FRED
Not who! What!
TRATTNOR
What????
FRED
Chum!
TRATTNOR
Yes?
FRED
Yes. Chum. Chum. Chum!!!!
TRATTNOR
Well. That's all very friendly and agreeable,
but I have no idea what we're speaking
about.
FRED
is what the chopped up bait is called.
TRATTNOR
Oh! I’m
frightfully sorry. When you said,
“chum,” I thought you were addressing me.
But you meant the bait is called chum.
You
weren’t calling me chum. Well,
then, let’s
throw out some chum, Freddy old chum!
Trattnor sits down in the deck chair, and freezes.
The sound of the rain comes up again, and Fred turns to Sherry.
FRED
That’s how it went, day after day!
SHERRY
Did he ever catch anything?
FRED
A total of three blowfish and a baby barracuda.
He had the worst luck of anyone I ever saw.
Or maybe the fish just hated him as much as
I did.
Then, last Friday, as we were heading
out into the Gulf Stream, he
announced that
his luck had changed.
The sound of rain stops. Fred steps offstage, into what must be the cabin area of the boat, and he brings back a rod and reel, with a baited hook. Fred casts the baited hook so that it lands offstage. Trattnor is still in the boat.
FRED
There. The
current should carry that out.
Here,
you take the rod. If you feel a
fish hit
your bait, pull up hard! That’ll
set the hook.
Fred hands the rod to Trattnor.
TRATTNOR
I pity those fish today, Freddy old chum.
Try as they might, they shan’t escape from
Trattnor!
Oh, they may try to be careful.
I
can imagine a great big shark saying to
himself, “I do feel frightfully hungry
just now,
but I must be careful! I
can’t go biting into
anything that looks good, or I’m likely to get
a big
hook set in my throat. Yes, I had
better be particularly careful today, for I hear
that Trattnor is out fishing!”
FRED
Yes, I’m sure that’s exactly what the fish are
saying. But why are you so certain
you’ll
catch something today?
TRATTNOR
Because today I have a magic talisman with
me! See?
Trattnor take a chicken bone out of his pocket and
shows it to Fred.
FRED
That’s a chicken bone!
TRATTNOR
Yes, but not just any chicken bone.
This
is a very rare, magic chicken bone, sold
to me by an inebriated
fellow whom I pulled
out of the street just as he was about to be
run down by a
motorcar. He was so grateful
to me
for saving his life, he sold me this magic
chicken bone at half the usual price!
FRED
Well, let’s hope it works, because it’s time
you
caught something. I’ve put a
large hook
on that line. It’s the
right size to catch
something big.
TRATTNOR
You needn’t worry, Freddy old chum!
I’m
certain I…
The line zings out as something takes the bait!
FRED
Pull up! Pull
up on the rod! Now reel!
Reel it in!
Trattnor tries to reel in the line, but the fish
keeps pulling it out!
TRATTNOR
I’m trying, old chum, but the line keeps
going out!
Trattnor and Fred freeze as the sound of the rain
starts. Fred unfreezes and turns to
speak to Sherry.
FRED
And then it jumped… the most beautiful
blue marlin
I ever saw, shimmering in the
sunlight.
SHERRY
What happened?
FRED
Trattnor must have struggled with it for all of
fifteen minutes before he wanted to quit.
The sound of the rain stops again, and Trattnor
speaks.
TRATTNOR
I don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
FRED
You just got started! It can take all day to
bring in a marlin that size!
TRATTNOR
All day! I
don’t want to spend all day on
one fish!
Couldn’t we just let it go and try
for a shark?
FRED
That’s a blue marlin! Sportsmen fish for years
dreaming of a catch like that!
TRATTNOR
Then you bring him in! I’m going to rest!
Trattnor hands the rod to Fred, who grabs hold of it.
Fred takes the deck chair as Trattnor walks offstage into what would be
the cabin of the boat. Fred
struggles to bring the marlin in. The
sound of the rain comes up, but only faintly, as Fred talks to Sherry.
FRED
I struggled with the magnificent fish for hours!
My hands were bleeding all over the reel, but
slowly… slowly, I was
bringing him in. Then
suddenly, there was no pull on the line.
I
was afraid I’d lost it, but then it leapt out of
the water, right in
front of the boat, this huge,
exquisite….
A deafening gunshot blasts offstage.
The rain stops. Trattnor steps onto the stage (out of the cabin) with a
smoking pistol. Fred jumps out of
the deck chair!
FRED
You shot the fish!!!
TRATTNOR
Yes, I found the pistol in the cabin, and
thought
I’d give you a hand. It should be
a lot easier to bring him in now, eh?
FRED
You jackass! That’s
no way to fish!
TRATTNOR
Isn’t it? This
is my trip, after all, Freddy old
chum. I’m paying for it, and I’ll fish as I
choose.
FRED
Give me that gun!
TRATTNOR
I don’t think I care for your tone of voice.
FRED
Give me that gun!!!
Fred tries to take the gun away from Trattnor.
As they struggle, the gun does off!
Instantly there’s a blackout on the stage.
When the lights go back up, Trattnor is gone, and Fred is seated beside
Sherry, telling her the story.
FRED
It was his fault.
If he’d given me the gun,
he’d still be alive.
SHERRY
Oh Fred.
FRED
Maybe I should have radioed the coast
guard, and
explained what happened, but I
panicked. I weighted him down and tossed
the body overboard.
Then I cleaned up the
blood, waited until it was dark, and sailed
back to
the dock.
SHERRY
Who else knows about this?
FRED
No one.
SHERRY
Don’t you think someone would have noticed
he’s
gone?
FRED
Who’d notice?
If he had any friends, you
think he would have gone out fishing alone
every single time? No one’s going
to miss
him!
SHERRY
How awful.
FRED
You haven’t heard the worst.
SHERRY
What? He's dead, dumped overboard, no
one even knows he's gone. What could be
worse?
FRED
I meant worse for me. I'll tell you, but I need
a drink first.
Fred pours himself another drink.
He takes a big gulp.
FRED
When I cam beck that night, I wanted to
sleep, just
fall asleep, forget everything that
happened. I came in, didn’t turn on the light,
and just threw myself down on the
bed.
Then
I felt something on my
pillow. Something
wet.
It was the chicken bone.
Trattnor’s god
damn chicken bone, dripping wet, like it had
just come out of the sea. I threw it out of
the
window. I went to pour myself a
drink. And
the bone was there,
right beside the liquor
bottles! I took it outside and buried it. I
dug
a hole and I buried it! Then I
came back in
and drank myself to sleep!!!
SHERRY
That explains it.
You were drunk! You thought
you saw the bone because you were drunk.
FRED
I was sober when I woke up.
The chicken
bone was back on my pillow, dripping wet.
I stuffed it in the pillowcase and smashed it
with a hammer until it was
splinters! Then I
took it with me
to My boat. I sailed out into
the
Gulf Stream and I hurled it as far as I could
out into the sea.
I swear that as it hit the water,
a hand came out of a wave and grabbed
it.
SHERRY
Maybe you saw a fish!
FRED
I wanted it to be a fish. I told myself it was a
fish.
But it was Trattnor’s hand! I
came back
here and I locked myself in this cabin for five
days!
There was no way I’d let that bone back
in!
SHERRY
It didn’t come back, did it?
FRED
No. It
never did.
SHERRY
Because it wasn’t real. Fred, I know how
terrible you must feel about… about the
accident. And I know guild can do
all kinds
of things. I work in a
saloon! You should
hear what some
of the customers think they see.
But
it’s just hallucinations!
FRED
It wasn’t a hallucination! It was a chicken
bone!
SHERRY
But it’s gone now.
And you’re okay.
FRED
I won’t be okay until I’m miles from here.
I’ve put my house and my boat up for sale,
and tomorrow I’m moving.
I have a sister in
Ohio. I’ll
stay with her for a while. Then,
who
knows? But I never want to go
near the sea
again.
SHERRY
Is there anything I can do?
FRED
I gave your number to the agent who’s selling
the
house and the boat, in case he can’t reach
me.
SHERRY
Anything else?
FRED
I don’t know.
What can anyone do? Maybe…
SHERRY
What?
FRED
Maybe if you’re ever out in the Gulf Stream,
maybe… maybe you could just try to tell
Trattnor I’m sorry. Tell him I’m sorry he died.
And I’m sorry I never got him a shark....
SHERRY
I will. I
promise.
FRED
Thanks, Sherry.
SHERRY
You’ll be okay.
Sherry walks to the door.
FRED
I guess I will.
I’ll call you as soon as I get
to Ohio.
SHERRY
You take care of yourself.
FRED
Let me walk you to your car.
Fred opens the door, and Trattnor’s corpse, pale
and soaking wet, is standing there, waiting for him. The corpse grabs Fred as Sherry screams!
Blackout! Everyone on stage
exists in the blackout, and GUS THE GHOUL enters.
A spotlight picks up Gus, and the sound the rain stops.
GUS
Would you like to know what happened
next? Poor Sherry fainted, and she never
did find out.
But I’ll tell you. First
off all,
when Fred saw Trattnor’s corpse, he went all
to pieces.
Then, the next morning, when it was
bright and sunny, and a lovely day
for fishing,
the late Mr. Trattnor sailed out into the Gulf
Stream on poor
Fred’s boat.
The lights come up on the boat.
Trattnor’s corpse enters, carrying a fishing rod and a bucket.
Trattnor casts out the line, and then sits in the deck chair.
After a moment, he reaches into the bucket and brings out some pieces of
bloody mean, which he tosses overboard.
GUS
And with all that tasty chum he’s throwing out,
I
think Mr. Trattnor is sure to finally catch a
shark. Wouldn’t you agree, Freddy old chum?
The corpse reaches into the bucket and pulls out a
recognizable piece of human anatomy, such as a hand or a foot, and throws it
into the ocean. The lights go out
on the boat, leaving only Gus the Ghouls in the spotlight.
THE
END
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© 2000 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.