PLAYHOUSE OF THE DAMNED

"Bat On A Hot Tin Spoof"

                                    by Richard Nathan 

The spotlight is up on our host, GUS THE GHOUL, while the set for the next story is prepared.  This story takes place in the bedroom of Maggot the bat and her husband Brink.  The only important item that must be on the set is a bar (or table) with various bottles of liquid, and a glass to mix them in.

                                                            GUS THE GHOUL
                                    Of all the evil beings that trod the earth, there
                                    are few as loathsome and despicable as those
                                    who steal the work of their betters and cheapen it
                                    for vile and selfish reasons.  Not surprisingly,
                                    here at Playhouse of the Damned, we are 
                                    loathsome and despicable enough to do just that. 
                                    We call our next piece, ďBat on a Hot Tin Spoof.Ē

Gus exits.  The spotlight goes out, and during the blackout MAGGOT and BRINK enter.  Maggot is a vampire.  Brink is a mad scientist.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    One of those no-neck monsters hit me with a
                                    hot-buttered biscuit.

                                                            BRINK
                                    What did you say, Maggot?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I said one of those no neck monstersÖ

                                                            BRINK
                                    Why do you call Goober's kids no-neck monsters? 
                                    Weíre all monsters.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Yes, but we have necks!  How is a vampire supposed
                                    to drink blood from a person with no neck?

                                                            BRINK
                                    You can bite someone elseís neck, Maggot.  You donít
                                     have to bite Gooberís kids.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I think it just awful your brother would bring all those
                                    screaming kids today of all days.

                                                            BRINK
                                    Whatís the matter with today?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Donít you remember?  Todayís the day Big Dead-dyís
                                    going to find out he has cancer!

                                                            BRINK
                                    So?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Itís cancer, Brink!  Cancer!

                                                            BRINK
                                    Maggot, Big Dead-dy died of syphilis seven years ago. 
                                    If heís still walking around after that, I donít think
                                    cancerís going to bother him.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Heís afraid, Brink.  Afraid he's getting slow and weak.

                                                            BRINK
                                    Big Dead-dy will never be weak.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Last week, he found four teenagers making love in the
                                    graveyard.  He killed two and ate their brains.

                                                            BRINK
                                    So?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Only two, Brink!  The other two got away! 

                                                            BRINK
                                    We all have our bad days. 

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    He wants grandchildren, Brink.  He wants them
                                    so bad.

                                                            BRINK 
                                    Let him eat Gooberís grandchildren!

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    He wants to eat ours!

                                                            BRINK
                                    Maggot, how are you going to make a child
                                    with a husband who hates you?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Same way Goober did.  In the lab!

                                                            BRINK
                                    Youíre a vampire, not a mad scientist!

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Iíve watched you make things.  It doesn't
                                    look hard.

                                                            BRINK
                                    Then why havenít you done it?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I want to do it with you!  I want us to create something
                                    Ė something dead and fetid and rotting.

                                                            BRINK
                                    Find someone else.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Donít turn away from me!  Iím here!  Iím alive.  Maggot
                                    the bat is alive! 

                                                            BRINK
                                    No youíre not.  Youíre dead.  Youíre a vampire.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    But you make me feel alive!  Why do you hate me
                                    so?  Itís because of Skippy isnít it?  Your best friend,
                                    Skippy!  Itís because I drank Skippyís blood, and I
                                    turned him into a vampireÖ but he was too...  too
                                    sensitiveÖ.  too gentleÖ. he had too much of the
                                    ďartisticĒ temperamentÖ.

                                                            BRINK
                                    Donít say it, Maggot!  Donít you say it!!!

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    He couldnít bring himself to suckÖ.  bloodÖ  ďI
                                    never suckÖ blood,Ē he used to sayÖ  So he starved
                                    to death, he wasted away to dust, and thatís why you
                                    hate me, isnít it????

Brink starts to go over to the bar, but Maggot stands in his way.

                                                            BRINK
                                    I need a drink!

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    No, Brink!   Donít shut me out!  It makes me crazy! 
                                    Irrational!  It makes me feelÖ likeÖ. like a bat on hot
                                    tin spoof! 

                                                            BRINK
                                    A what on a what?????

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I donít know!  I just said it makes me crazy, irrational!   
                                    What can I do, Brink?  What can I do?

                                                            BRINK
                                    You can get out of my way while I make myself a
                                    drink!

Brick goes over to the bar and starts mixing liquids from the various bottles.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Why?

Brick goes over to the bar and starts mixing liquids from the various bottles.

                                                            BRINK
                                    So I drink to make it all change.  I need everything to
                                    change.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I donít want you to change.

                                                            BRINK
                                    Then get used to disappointment.  Cause if thereís
                                    one thing I donít want to be, itís me.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    You canít escape by drinking.  Skippy will still be dust,
                                    Iíll still be Maggot the bat, and youíll still be Brink the
                                    mad scientist.

                                                            BRINK
                                    No. I wonít, Maggot.  Not if I drink enough.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    We were happy, once, Brink.  Before Skippy died.  Why
                                    canít we be happy again?

                                                            BRINK
                                    We can, Maggot.  As soon as I drink enough.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    It doesnít work that way, Brink 

                                                            BRINK
                                    Sure it does.  When you learn how to mix your drinks
                                    from Doctor Jekyll!

Brink takes a sip of the concoction heís been mixing and transforms into a fiend.

Blackout!

A light comes up on GUS. 

                                                            GUS
                                    One of these nights, the spirit of Tennessee Williams
                                    is going to show up and slaughter us all.  And we
                                    deserve it!

 

THE END

 

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© 2006 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.