PLAYHOUSE OF THE DAMNED

"Bat On A Hot Tin Spoof"

                                    by Richard Nathan 

The spotlight is up on our host, GUS THE GHOUL, while the set for the next story is prepared.  This story takes place in the bedroom of Maggot the bat and her husband Brink.  The only important item that must be on the set is a bar (or table) with various bottles of liquid, and a glass to mix them in.

                                                            GUS THE GHOUL
                                    Of all the evil beings that trod the earth, there
                                    are few as loathsome and despicable as those
                                    who steal the work of their betters and cheapen it
                                    for vile and selfish reasons.  Not surprisingly,
                                    here at Playhouse of the Damned, we are 
                                    loathsome and despicable enough to do just that. 
                                    We call our next piece, “Bat on a Hot Tin Spoof.”

Gus exits.  The spotlight goes out, and during the blackout MAGGOT and BRINK enter.  Maggot is a vampire.  Brink is a mad scientist.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    One of those no-neck monsters hit me with a
                                    hot-buttered biscuit.

                                                            BRINK
                                    What did you say, Maggot?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I said one of those no neck monsters…

                                                            BRINK
                                    Why do you call Goober's kids no-neck monsters? 
                                    We’re all monsters.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Yes, but we have necks!  How is a vampire supposed
                                    to drink blood from a person with no neck?

                                                            BRINK
                                    You can bite someone else’s neck, Maggot.  You don’t
                                     have to bite Goober’s kids.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I think it just awful your brother would bring all those
                                    screaming kids today of all days.

                                                            BRINK
                                    What’s the matter with today?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Don’t you remember?  Today’s the day Big Dead-dy’s
                                    going to find out he has cancer!

                                                            BRINK
                                    So?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    It’s cancer, Brink!  Cancer!

                                                            BRINK
                                    Maggot, Big Dead-dy died of syphilis seven years ago. 
                                    If he’s still walking around after that, I don’t think
                                    cancer’s going to bother him.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    He’s afraid, Brink.  Afraid he's getting slow and weak.

                                                            BRINK
                                    Big Dead-dy will never be weak.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Last week, he found four teenagers making love in the
                                    graveyard.  He killed two and ate their brains.

                                                            BRINK
                                    So?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Only two, Brink!  The other two got away! 

                                                            BRINK
                                    We all have our bad days. 

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    He wants grandchildren, Brink.  He wants them
                                    so bad.

                                                            BRINK 
                                    Let him eat Goober’s grandchildren!

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    He wants to eat ours!

                                                            BRINK
                                    Maggot, how are you going to make a child
                                    with a husband who hates you?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Same way Goober did.  In the lab!

                                                            BRINK
                                    You’re a vampire, not a mad scientist!

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I’ve watched you make things.  It doesn't
                                    look hard.

                                                            BRINK
                                    Then why haven’t you done it?

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I want to do it with you!  I want us to create something
                                    – something dead and fetid and rotting.

                                                            BRINK
                                    Find someone else.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Don’t turn away from me!  I’m here!  I’m alive.  Maggot
                                    the bat is alive! 

                                                            BRINK
                                    No you’re not.  You’re dead.  You’re a vampire.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    But you make me feel alive!  Why do you hate me
                                    so?  It’s because of Skippy isn’t it?  Your best friend,
                                    Skippy!  It’s because I drank Skippy’s blood, and I
                                    turned him into a vampire… but he was too...  too
                                    sensitive….  too gentle…. he had too much of the
                                    “artistic” temperament….

                                                            BRINK
                                    Don’t say it, Maggot!  Don’t you say it!!!

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    He couldn’t bring himself to suck….  blood…  “I
                                    never suck… blood,” he used to say…  So he starved
                                    to death, he wasted away to dust, and that’s why you
                                    hate me, isn’t it????

Brink starts to go over to the bar, but Maggot stands in his way.

                                                            BRINK
                                    I need a drink!

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    No, Brink!   Don’t shut me out!  It makes me crazy! 
                                    Irrational!  It makes me feel… like…. like a bat on hot
                                    tin spoof! 

                                                            BRINK
                                    A what on a what?????

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I don’t know!  I just said it makes me crazy, irrational!   
                                    What can I do, Brink?  What can I do?

                                                            BRINK
                                    You can get out of my way while I make myself a
                                    drink!

Brick goes over to the bar and starts mixing liquids from the various bottles.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    Why?

Brick goes over to the bar and starts mixing liquids from the various bottles.

                                                            BRINK
                                    So I drink to make it all change.  I need everything to
                                    change.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    I don’t want you to change.

                                                            BRINK
                                    Then get used to disappointment.  Cause if there’s
                                    one thing I don’t want to be, it’s me.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    You can’t escape by drinking.  Skippy will still be dust,
                                    I’ll still be Maggot the bat, and you’ll still be Brink the
                                    mad scientist.

                                                            BRINK
                                    No. I won’t, Maggot.  Not if I drink enough.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    We were happy, once, Brink.  Before Skippy died.  Why
                                    can’t we be happy again?

                                                            BRINK
                                    We can, Maggot.  As soon as I drink enough.

                                                            MAGGOT
                                    It doesn’t work that way, Brink 

                                                            BRINK
                                    Sure it does.  When you learn how to mix your drinks
                                    from Doctor Jekyll!

Brink takes a sip of the concoction he’s been mixing and transforms into a fiend.

Blackout!

A light comes up on GUS. 

                                                            GUS
                                    One of these nights, the spirit of Tennessee Williams
                                    is going to show up and slaughter us all.  And we
                                    deserve it!

 

THE END