by Richard Nathan


This monologue can be performed by a man or woman - but I'll write the stage directions as though the character was a woman named Stephanie.

Lights come up on STEPHANIE. 

Her phone rings.  She answers it.

                                    Hello.  ...

                                    No, of course I'm not dead!  Who is this?  ...

                                    Well, it must be nice to be so easily amused.  Jackass!

She hangs up the phone.  Immediately, it rings again.  She answers it.

                                    Hello.  ...

                                    No, I'm still alive.  And you're still brain dead.

She hangs up the phone.  Then she dials the operator.

                                    Hi.  I want to report an abusive caller.  ...

                                    What???  How did you get on this line???

Somehow she has reached the caller who has been annoying her.  She hangs up again.  She dials her phone service provider.

                                    I want to report a problem with my phone.  ...

It's the caller again!

                                    YOU are the problem!!!  I don't know how you keep
                                    getting on my line, but you must be breaking about a
                                    thousand laws.   I'll tell you what, if you hang up now
                                    and leave me alone, I'll forget this ever happened.   Or
                                    I could get a police whistle and blast through your
                                    eardrums!  ....

                                    Yes I'm threatening you!  What about you threatening
                                    me?  ...

                                    Telling me I'm dead!  ....

                                    What do you mean, that's not a threat?  ....

                                    I know what "dead" means.  And I'm not dead! 
                                    How can I be dead when I'm talking to you?  ....

She listens to the caller for a moment.  Then she tries to feel her pulse on her wrist, but she can't find it.

                                    That doesn't prove anything.  I was never good at
                                    finding my own pulse.  ....

                                    If you're death, shouldn't you be here in person,
                                    in a black cloak, carrying a scythe or something?  ..

                                    What do you mean "cutbacks"?  ....

                                    I've had a hard life!!!  Are you telling me I don't
                                    get a personal visit?

                                    Let's put aside whether or not I believe I'm dead. 
                                    What kind of way is that to treat someone?  A
                                    lousy phone call!   ...

                                    Well, who DOES set policy?  ...

                                    Wait a minute!  What kind of accent is that?  ...

                                    Yes, you DO have an accent!  Don't lie to me! 
                                    Is this call coming from India?  ..

                                    Don't you put me on hold!  Hello?  Hello?



2006 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

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