THEATER OF
THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
"The Return of Brandon Baines, The Dejected Detective!"
by Richard Nathan
Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:
VOICE
Life got you down? Feeling low? Need
someone to give you a word of encouragement,
a pep talk, a glimmer of hope that life might
not be entirely a horrible thing? Then you
should probably stay far away from Brandon
Baines, the Dejected Detective!
Lights come up on the shabby office of a shabby detective. There should be two chairs. BRANDON BAINES is seated in one of the chairs. He begins narrating the story directly to the audience:
BAINES
I hadn't had a client in three weeks, when she
shimmered into my office like a shot of fine
scotch being poured into a crystal glass. My
eyes gulped her down.
Enter LISA DI PATZO, sultry and sexy. She sits in the other chair.
LISA
Mr. Baines, I want you to find my husband.
BAINES
When did you lose him?
LISA
He's been gone a week. Do you read the
newspapers, Mr. Baines?
BAINES
Sometimes I take a look at Dick Tracy. I
think he's on the take.
LISA
My husband is Sam di Patzo, of the di Patzo
crime family. My father in law was Paulo di Patzo.
BAINES
I heard about Paulo. They found his body floating
in the East River and in the West River and in the
North River. You think maybe the people who
got Paulo got your husband?
LISA
Sam wasn't involved in the rackets! He was clean!
BAINES
Mrs. di Patzo...
LISA
Call me Lisa.
BAINES
Lisa, people come in all types but one. Nobody comes
in "clean."
LISA
Sam is clean.
BAINES
All right. I charge twenty dollars a day plus expenses.
Tell me everything you can about Sam, where he was
was last seen, what are his likes, his dislikes....
Lisa takes out several sheets of typewritten paper and a photograph and some cash.
LISA
I've written every thing out and I've brought a photo.
And here's a hundred dollars in advance. Do you think
you can find him?
BAINES
Dead or alive, I'll find him. But are you absolutely
sure you want him found? He might have a good
reason for wanting to disappear.
LISA
I have a better reason for wanting him found.
BAINES
What's that, Mrs. di Patzo?
LISA
I love my husband, Mr. Baines. I love him very
much.
She exits. Baines turns to the audience.
BAINES
According to her report, Sam di Patzo was so clean,
he made Santa Claus look like Al Capone. I didn't
buy it. I spent the next day asking my usual
sources, but no one had anything for me. Then I
got a visitor at the office.
Enter LESTER SANDS, the cheeriest man Brandon Baines has ever met.
SANDS
Good morning! It is a pleasure to meet you, Mr.
Baines. Gosh, I've heard so much about you. I
hear you're a great detective. My name is Lester
Sands. I bet you'll never guess what we both have
in common!
BAINES
We both make me sick?
SANDS
No! At least, I hope not! We're both private eyes!
And unless I'm very much mistaken, we're both on
the same case!
BAINES
Is that so?
SANDS
You bet! You're looking for Sam di Patzo, aren't
you? I'm looking for him too. I've been asking
around about Sam, and your name kept coming up.
Who's your client?
BAINES
Walt Disney. He's looking for a new sidekick for
Mickey Mouse.
SANDS
I get it. You want to keep your client's name
confidential. That's okay with me. My client is
Sam's wife, Marie.
BAINES
I thought his wife's name was Lisa.
SANDS
Gosh no. Not unless he's a bigamist. Or... -
say... -- do you think someone's lying?
BAINES
It wouldn't be the first time. You say you're a
detective?
SANDS
Yup. This is my first missing persons case. Mostly
I get hired by people who want me to follow their
spouses to... make sure they're not .... breaking
their vows. So I follow them around, and then I
report back that everything is fine. People
worry so much about nothing, don't you think?
BAINES
Maybe we should bring our clients together. Arrange
a meeting.
SANDS
No!!! I couldn't do that! I only told you about Mrs.
di Patzo because I trust you, seeing as how you're a
fellow private eye! But Mrs. di Patzo doesn't want to
meet anyone. I thought we could just work together,
without telling our clients.
BAINES
So, what have you got?
SANDS
I'm pretty sure Sam di Patzo has left the country. I found
a travel agent who sold him a ticket to Italy. You haven't
heard anything to suggest otherwise, have you?
BAINES
Until I met you, I hadn't learned anything.
SANDS
Well, I guess that wraps up the case.
BAINES
No exactly, Mr. di Patzo.
Baines draws his gun, either from a shoulder holster or from a drawer in his desk.
DI PATZO (a/k/a SANDS)
What?????
BAINES
Unlike you, Mr. di Patzo, I really am a detective.
Did you expect me to be fooled by a bad hair
dye and a putty nose?
Baines pulls a putty nose off of di Patzo (a/k/a Sans), which di Patzo had been using as a disguise.
BAINES
You were trying to throw me off the scent. Why'd
you tell me that story about a second wife?
DI PATZO (a/k/a SANDS)
I wanted to see if you were working for Lisa.
BAINES
Why are you so anxious to make sure she doesn't
find you?
Enter Lisa with her gun drawn. During the remainder of the scene, she keeps her gun aimed at Baines.
LISA
Put down that gun, Mr. Baines. I've been keeping
an eye on your office. Hello, Sam.
Baines puts his gun on the desk.
DI PATZO (a/k/a SANDS)
Hi, Lisa. Sorry about running away.
LISA
Shut up. We still have a chance to make
something of ourselves, if you'll grow a spine.
DI PATZO (a/k/a SANDS)
Lisa, I told you, I'm not cut out to be a criminal.
LISA
You sniveling yellow insect!
DI PATZO (a/k/a SANDS)
Can't we just go away somewhere and start over?
I could be a school teacher, just like I always wanted!
And you could be a housewife! We could be so
happy.
LISA
You stupid, stupid worm! Do you think I married you
so you could teach? Do you think I had your father
killed so I could be a housewife?
DI PATZO (a/k/a SANDS)
You?
LISA
Yes, me! I paid a hitman to kill your father. He was
getting soft. If I hadn't killed him, someone else would
have, and we would have lost everything! But if you do
what I tell you to, we can be back on top in no time! We
can be the biggest crime lords in the country!
DI PATZO (a/k/a SANDS)
No!!!
He grabs the gun from the desk and shoots his wife.
LISA
(dying)
You've got some guts after all, you louse.
She shoots her husband. They both die. Baines turns to your audience.
BAINES
I said nobody comes in "clean" - but Sam di Patzo
was as close as they come, if you don't count his lying
to me and shooting his wife. In my line of work, that
makes him a Sir Galahad, for all the good it did him.
At the end of the day, both he and his wife were bleeding
their lives out onto my carpet, and the blood of one would
be just as hard to clean out as the blood of the other.
There's always spilled blood at the end of the story. Some
days I think I should follow Sam di Patzo's dream - leave this life
- and become a schoolteacher.
But, no. The way things work
out, I'd probably end up having to shoot some kid.
BLACKOUT!
THE END
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scripts
© 2006 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.