"Brandon Baines, The Dejected Detective's Night Before Christmas!"

                                                               by Richard Nathan


Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:

                                    Life got you down?  Feeling low?  Need
                                    someone to give you a word of encouragement,
                                    a pep talk, a glimmer of hope that life might
                                    not be entirely a horrible thing?  Then you
                                    should probably stay far away from Brandon
                                    Baines, the Dejected Detective! 

Lights come up on the shabby apartment of BRANDON BAINES, a shabby detective.  Baines addresses the audience: 

                                    'Twas the night before Christmas,
                                    And all through my flat
                                    Not a creature was stirring,
                                    Not even a rat! 
                                    When last I'd had cash
                                    It was tough to remember.
                                    I think my last case
                                    Was in early November.
                                    The name's Brandon Baines
                                    And I may not be famous,
                                    But some know I'm a dick,
                                    A detective, a shamus.
                                    I had opened some scotch,
                                    But before I could pour
                                    Out a shot someone pounded
                                    And screamed at my door.

Someone off-stage POUNDS on a door.  Brandon mimes opening a door.

                                    So I opened the door,
                                    And then without a pause,
                                    In staggered some joker
                                    Dressed like Santa Claus.

In staggers a small time hood dressed in a cheap SANTA CLAUS costume.  We'll cal him SANTA.

                                    He cried:

                                    Help me!  Help me! 
                                    My head is all swollen!
                                    I got sapped from behind
                                    And a diamond was stolen! 
                                    I work for a guy
                                    Known as Louie the Lobster. 
                                    Some people who know
                                    Claim he's some kind of mobster. 
                                    He told me to put on
                                    This Santa Claus suit
                                    And deliver a diamond
                                    To Suzie La Beaut.
                                    Suzie is his moll
                                    And he hoped that this present
                                    Might make her inclined
                                    To be slightly more pleasant.
                                    But on my way there,
                                    I got sapped on the head.
                                    And now the rock's gone
                                    And I'm as good as dead!

                                    Who knew you were taking
                                    The gem?

                                    Only Louie!
                                    But you don't think that he
                                    Is behind this?  That's screwy!

                                    Where does this Suzie live?

                                    Down at Third and Kendall.

                                    I'll meet you downstairs,
                                    After one quick phone call.

Santa exits.

The lights go down on Baines's apartment.

Lights come up on two chairs, representing Baines's car.  Baines sits in one chair and Santa in the other.  Baines speaks to the audience:

                                    I drove like a madman
                                    And got there in time
                                    To stop Suzie from fleeing 
                                    The scene of her crime.

Enter SUZIE, carrying a small valise.  Baines exits the car (i.e., he gets out of the chair) and approaches her.

                                    She had packed her valise;
                                    She was flying the coup
                                    With the diamond!  And leaving
                                    My guy in the soup!

Baines alternates between speaking to Suzie and narrating to the audience:.

                                    "Okay, sister, deliver!"
                                    I said with a sneer,
                                    "I know you've got the diamond! 
                                    Let me make it clear.
                                    Louie told you that Santa
                                    Was bringing the ice.
                                    You sapped him and took it!
                                    You think that was nice?"

                                    I like diamonds -

                                    She said.

                                    But I don't care for Louie.
                                    So I took it and ran!
                                    You don't like it?  So sue me!

                                    Then she took out a gun,
                                    Which she aimed at my head,
                                    And she said

Suzie pulls out a pistol and aims it at Baines, then at Santa, and then back at Baines, keeping both Baines and Santa covered..

                                    Say your prayers! 
                                    'Cause you're gonna be dead! 
                                    I'm keeping the rock
                                    And you're both gonna die!

                                    If you do, then the coppers
                                    Will see that you fry!

There comes the sound of POLICE SIRENS.  Baines narrates to the audience:

                                    Then the coppers arrived
                                    With their sirens all wailing!

Two POLICEMEN enter with guns drawn.  Suzie surrenders and they take her away.  The cops exit with Suzie.

                                    They took Suzie away
                                    For some twenty years' jailing. 
                                    Remember I said
                                    I would make a phone call?
                                    That's when I told to cops,
                                    "Come to Third and Kendall!"
                                    The diamond was hot,
                                    So Louie's doing time,
                                    And the cops said that Santa
                                    Was in on the crime.

The two POLICEMAN come back on stage and arrest Santa.  The cops exit with Santa.

                                    All I've got is my scotch
                                    And a chaser of beer.
                                    Merry Christmas to all
                                    And a happy New Year!




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2005 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

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