THEATER OF
THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
"Brandon Baines, The Dejected Detective's Night Before Christmas!"
by Richard Nathan
Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:
VOICE
Life got you down? Feeling low? Need
someone to give you a word of encouragement,
a pep talk, a glimmer of hope that life might
not be entirely a horrible thing? Then you
should probably stay far away from Brandon
Baines, the Dejected Detective!
Lights come up on the shabby apartment of BRANDON BAINES, a shabby detective. Baines addresses the audience:
BAINES
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through my flat
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a rat!
When last I'd had cash
It was tough to remember.
I think my last case
Was in early November.
The name's Brandon Baines
And I may not be famous,
But some know I'm a dick,
A detective, a shamus.
I had opened some scotch,
But before I could pour
Out a shot someone pounded
And screamed at my door.
Someone off-stage POUNDS on a door. Brandon mimes opening a door.
BAINES
So I opened the door,
And then without a pause,
In staggered some joker
Dressed like Santa Claus.
In staggers a small time hood dressed in a cheap SANTA CLAUS costume. We'll cal him SANTA.
BAINES
He cried:
SANTA
Help me! Help me!
My head is all swollen!
I got sapped from behind
And a diamond was stolen!
I work for a guy
Known as Louie the Lobster.
Some people who know
Claim he's some kind of mobster.
He told me to put on
This Santa Claus suit
And deliver a diamond
To Suzie La Beaut.
Suzie is his moll
And he hoped that this present
Might make her inclined
To be slightly more pleasant.
But on my way there,
I got sapped on the head.
And now the rock's gone
And I'm as good as dead!
BAINES
Who knew you were taking
The gem?
SANTA
Only Louie!
But you don't think that he
Is behind this? That's screwy!
BAINES
Where does this Suzie live?
SANTA
Down at Third and Kendall.
BAINES
I'll meet you downstairs,
After one quick phone call.
Santa exits.
The lights go down on Baines's apartment.
Lights come up on two chairs, representing Baines's car. Baines sits in one chair and Santa in the other. Baines speaks to the audience:
BAINES
I drove like a madman
And got there in time
To stop Suzie from fleeing
The scene of her crime.
Enter SUZIE, carrying a small valise. Baines exits the car (i.e., he gets out of the chair) and approaches her.
BAINES
She had packed her valise;
She was flying the coup
With the diamond! And leaving
My guy in the soup!
Baines alternates between speaking to Suzie and narrating to the audience:.
BAINES
"Okay, sister, deliver!"
I said with a sneer,
"I know you've got the diamond!
Let me make it clear.
Louie told you that Santa
Was bringing the ice.
You sapped him and took it!
You think that was nice?"
SUZIE
I like diamonds -
BAINES
She said.
SUZIE
But I don't care for Louie.
So I took it and ran!
You don't like it? So sue me!
BAINES
Then she took out a gun,
Which she aimed at my head,
And she said
Suzie pulls out a pistol and aims it at Baines, then at Santa, and then back at Baines, keeping both Baines and Santa covered..
SUZIE
Say your prayers!
'Cause you're gonna be dead!
I'm keeping the rock
And you're both gonna die!
BAINES
If you do, then the coppers
Will see that you fry!
There comes the sound of POLICE SIRENS. Baines narrates to the audience:
BAINES
Then the coppers arrived
With their sirens all wailing!
Two POLICEMEN enter with guns drawn. Suzie surrenders and they take her away. The cops exit with Suzie.
BAINES
They took Suzie away
For some twenty years' jailing.
Remember I said
I would make a phone call?
That's when I told to cops,
"Come to Third and Kendall!"
The diamond was hot,
So Louie's doing time,
And the cops said that Santa
Was in on the crime.
The two POLICEMAN come back on stage and arrest Santa. The cops exit with Santa.
BAINES
All I've got is my scotch
And a chaser of beer.
Merry Christmas to all
And a happy New Year!
BLACKOUT!
THE END
Click
here to go to more
THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
scripts
© 2005 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.