THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!

"Return of the League of Fiends!"

                                                               by Richard Nathan

 

Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:

                                                            VOICE
                                    Few know of its existence. 
                                    Those who do, tremble at its name! 
                                    Beware!  Beware of...
                                    THE LEAGUE OF FIENDS!!!

Lights come up on a meeting of the dreaded League of Fiends.  Present are ALISTAIR, JASON, and MARGARET. 

The only furniture necessary is some chairs. 

ALISTAIR brings the meeting to order. 

                                                            ALISTAIR
                                    I now call to order this meeting of the new
                                    League of Fiends, dedicated to carrying
                                    on the traditions of the original League of
                                    Fiends. 

                                                            ALISTAIR,  JASON,
                                                            & MARGARET
                                                (together)
                                    All hail the League of Fiends.

                                                            ALISTAIR
                                    Although at present, we are only three, yet we
                                    have achieved a remarkable record of moral 
                                    depravity in our first year. 

                                                            JASON
                                    There's one thing we haven't done!

                                                            MARGARET
                                    We haven't found and destroyed Francis Hearst, 
                                    the Vanquisher - that crime-fighting do-gooder   
                                    who wiped out the original League of Fiends!

                                                            JASON
                                    Yeah!  We don't even know anything about him but
                                    his name.

                                                            ALISTAIR
                                    We all acknowledge that we have room for
                                    improvement.  To that end, I have engaged a
                                    corporate trainer.  She is an expert in the field of
                                    facilitating improved group dynamics. 

                                                            JASON
                                    Is she a fiend?

                                                            ALISTAIR
                                    Have you ever heard of a corporate trainer who
                                    wasn't?

                                                            JASON & MARGARET
                                    No.

                                                            ALISTAIR 
                                    Then allow me to bring in Ms. Helen Farrell.

Alistair exits and comes back in with HELEN FARRELL.  Helen is, of course, Frances Hearst, the Vanquisher - but none of the fiends realizes this.

                                                            HELEN
                                    Good afternoon, fiends.  I understand you
                                    have not met all your goals this year.  That's  
                                    all right.  What is not all right is any attempt 
                                    to make excuses for your failure.  Anyone   
                                    who makes excuses will never become a 
                                    fully realized fiend!

                                                            JASON
                                    How is this going to help us find and
                                    destroy Francis Hearst, the Vanquisher?

                                                            HELEN
                                    Do you think Frances Hearst, the Vanquisher,
                                    worries if self-criticism is always productive? 
                                    I assure you, the answer is no! 

                                                            JASON
                                    How do you know?

                                                            HELEN
                                    Because Frances Hearst, the Vanquisher, has been
                                    so successful at eluding you!  The secret to all
                                    success is ruthless self criticism!  I want each of
                                    you to tell me your greatest fault as a
                                    fiend!  Who wants to go first?

                                                            ALISTAIR
                                    I will.  My greatest fault...

                                                            HELEN
                                    State your name.

                                                            ALISTAIR
                                    I'm Alistair Robbins.  I think my biggest
                                    fault as a fiend is that when I torture people,
                                    I kill them too quickly.  I can't seem to  
                                    stretch out the pain as long as I should.

                                                            HELEN
                                    You're pathetic.

                                                            ALISTAIR
                                    I know!  It's a fault!  I said it was a fault!

                                                            HELEN
                                    I mean you're pathetic if that's the best
                                    you can come up with.  I'll bet any of your
                                    fellow fiends can tell you a worse fault you've
                                    got.

                                                            JASON
                                    Yeah.  For example, he always wants to do 
                                    everything by the book.

                                                            HELEN
                                    You're saying Alistair doesn't think outside the
                                    box.

                                                            JASON
                                    Yeah!  He always stays in a box.

                                                            ALISTAIR
                                    I'll put you in a box!

                                                            HELEN
                                    What about you?  What's your name and what's
                                    your biggest fault?

                                                            JASON
                                    Me?  I'm Jason Masters.  My fault is sometimes
                                    after I do something really evil, I feel a little twinge
                                    of guilt.

                                                            MARGARET
                                    Liar!  You once told me you've never felt any
                                    guilt in your life!

                                                            ALISTAIR
                                    Yeah.  You told me the same thing, you liar!

                                                            JASON
                                    So what if I am a liar?  Shouldn't a fiend be a
                                    liar?

                                                            HELEN
                                    Who else can name a fault of Jason's?

                                                            MARGARET
                                    He's lousy in bed!

                                                            JASON
                                    Why, you....

Jason takes out a pistol and shoots Margaret.  Alistair draws his own gun and shoots Jason.  Jason shoots Alistair.  All three fiends fall to the floor, dying.  Only Helen is left unhurt.

                                                            ALISTAIR
                                    I guess...  you must be.... pretty disappointed
                                    in us....

                                                            HELEN
                                    No.  You did exactly what I wanted you to
                                    do.

                                                            MARGARET
                                    But... we killed each other.

                                                            HELEN
                                    Exactly.  You see, I'm not really Helen Farrell,
                                    corporate trainer.  I'm really Frances Hearst,
                                    the Vanquisher!

 

BLACKOUT!

THE END

 

 

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2005 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.