THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
"Return of the League of Fiends!"
by Richard Nathan
Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:
Few know of its existence.
Those who do, tremble at its name!
Beware! Beware of...
THE LEAGUE OF FIENDS!!!
Lights come up on a meeting of the dreaded League of Fiends. Present are ALISTAIR, JASON, and MARGARET.
The only furniture necessary is some chairs.
ALISTAIR brings the meeting to order.
I now call to order this meeting of the new
League of Fiends, dedicated to carrying
on the traditions of the original League of
All hail the League of Fiends.
Although at present, we are only three, yet we
have achieved a remarkable record of moral
depravity in our first year.
There's one thing we haven't done!
We haven't found and destroyed Francis Hearst,
the Vanquisher - that crime-fighting do-gooder
who wiped out the original League of Fiends!
Yeah! We don't even know anything about him but
We all acknowledge that we have room for
improvement. To that end, I have engaged a
corporate trainer. She is an expert in the field of
facilitating improved group dynamics.
Is she a fiend?
Have you ever heard of a corporate trainer who
JASON & MARGARET
Then allow me to bring in Ms. Helen Farrell.
Alistair exits and comes back in with HELEN FARRELL. Helen is, of course, Frances Hearst, the Vanquisher - but none of the fiends realizes this.
Good afternoon, fiends. I understand you
have not met all your goals this year. That's
all right. What is not all right is any attempt
to make excuses for your failure. Anyone
who makes excuses will never become a
fully realized fiend!
How is this going to help us find and
destroy Francis Hearst, the Vanquisher?
Do you think Frances Hearst, the Vanquisher,
worries if self-criticism is always productive?
I assure you, the answer is no!
How do you know?
Because Frances Hearst, the Vanquisher, has been
so successful at eluding you! The secret to all
success is ruthless self criticism! I want each of
you to tell me your greatest fault as a
fiend! Who wants to go first?
I will. My greatest fault...
State your name.
I'm Alistair Robbins. I think my biggest
fault as a fiend is that when I torture people,
I kill them too quickly. I can't seem to
stretch out the pain as long as I should.
I know! It's a fault! I said it was a fault!
I mean you're pathetic if that's the best
you can come up with. I'll bet any of your
fellow fiends can tell you a worse fault you've
Yeah. For example, he always wants to do
everything by the book.
You're saying Alistair doesn't think outside the
Yeah! He always stays in a box.
I'll put you in a box!
What about you? What's your name and what's
your biggest fault?
Me? I'm Jason Masters. My fault is sometimes
after I do something really evil, I feel a little twinge
Liar! You once told me you've never felt any
guilt in your life!
Yeah. You told me the same thing, you liar!
So what if I am a liar? Shouldn't a fiend be a
Who else can name a fault of Jason's?
He's lousy in bed!
Jason takes out a pistol and shoots Margaret. Alistair draws his own gun and shoots Jason. Jason shoots Alistair. All three fiends fall to the floor, dying. Only Helen is left unhurt.
I guess... you must be.... pretty disappointed
No. You did exactly what I wanted you to
But... we killed each other.
Exactly. You see, I'm not really Helen Farrell,
corporate trainer. I'm really Frances Hearst,
here to go to more
THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
© 2005 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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