THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
"Merry Christmas, League of Fiends!"
by Richard Nathan
Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:
Few know of its existence.
Those who do, tremble at its name!
Beware! Beware of...
THE LEAGUE OF FIENDS!!!
Lights come up on the Christmas Party of the latest incarnation of the dreaded League of Fiends. Present are ALBERT, TONY and HEINRICH.
The only furniture necessary is a chair in the center of the stage, and a table upstage with a bottle of booze and some glasses.
Albert greets the others:
I'd like to welcome you, Tony and Heinrich, to
the first of what we hope will be many, many
Christmas parties of the newest incarnation of
the League of Fiends!
Albert, there are only three of us! What kind of
Christmas party can we have with only three
A great party! The fewer guests, the more
food and booze there is for me!
Our new League is young. There will be time to
grow. But we must be vigilant. We believe the
prior formations of the League were destroyed
by the mysterious crime fighter known as Francis
Hearst, the Vanquisher. We can not be certain
of this because no Fiends from the prior Leagues
survived. But let us not dwell on the failures of
the past. Let us celebrate the holiday!
But Albert, we're fiends! Should we be celebrating
Christmas? Ain't that more for, - I don't know, -
Hey, I may be a fiend, but I like food and booze and
presents as much as the next guy!
As do we all! Which is why I have engaged someone
special to entertain us tonight. May I present... SANTA
Enter SANTA! The Fiends do not realize that Santa is really Frances Hearst, the Vanquisher, in a Santa disguise. (The Fiends do not realize their enemy is Frances, a woman; nor do they realize the person in the Santa outfit is a woman.)
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, everyone! Come
and sit on Santa's lap!
Santa sits on the chair.
I ain't sitting on Santa's lap!
Tony, if you don't sit on my lap, how can I give
you your present?
You can give me his present, Santa!
Nobody's getting my present but me!
Tony sits on Santa's lap.
Why don't you other boys help yourselves to some
Christmas cheer so I can talk privately to Tony?
Albert and Heinrich go upstage to help themselves to the booze.
Tell me, Tony, have you been a good boy this
Hell no, Santa. I been a fiend!
Really? Heinrich told me you'd been a good
That lying rat!!! He's gonna push me too far!
Never mind! I have a Christmas present here,
just for you.
Santa takes a wrapped gift from his bag and hands it to Tony. Tony unwraps it. It's a gun.
For me? A gun! Just what I wanted!
Don't you have a gun already?
Sure, but you can't have too many guns!
Besides, Albert told us not to bring our
guns to the party - so this may come in
I'm sure it will! Merry Christmas, Tony!
Tony gets off Santa's lap.
Where's Heinrich? It's Heinrich's turn!
Tony goes to the booze table as Heinrich comes down and sits on Santa's lap.
What have you got for me, Santa?
Slow down, Heinrich. I've heard you are too
eager for your own good.
What do you mean? Who told you that?
Albert told me he was concerned that you
might try to take over the League of Fiends.
Maybe I will. I'd be a better leader than he is!
You'd better not let him hear you say so. He told
me he'd keep you in your place, no matter what!
Oh he did, did he?
Here's your present, Heinrich!
Santa takes a wrapped gift from his bag and hands it to Heinrich. Heinrich unwraps it. It's a gun.
A gun! Gee, thanks, Santa! This is going
to come in handy!!!
Heinrich gets off Santa's lap.
Albert! It's your turn!
Heinrich goes to the booze table as Albert comes down and sits on Santa's lap.
Thanks for coming, Santa. Even though we're fiends,
I thought we should have a nice Christmas.
Ho! Ho! Ho! That's what I told Tony! He said he
thought Christmas was only for saps!
Are you telling me Tony called me a sap?
Never mind! It's time for you to open your
Santa takes a wrapped gift from his bag and hands it to Albert. Albert unwraps it. It's a gun.
A gun! Thank you, Santa! It's a perfect
Heinrich gets off Santa's lap. Santa stands up.
Well, it's time for me to be getting back to
the North Pole! I hope all you fiends enjoy
your Christmas presents.
ALBERT, TONY &
We will, Santa! We will!
Ho! Ho! Ho! I'm sure you will!
Santa exits. The Fiends turn on one another. They speak in unison:
A sap, am I?
A good boy?
Afraid I'll take over?
All draw their guns. Albert shoots at Tony, as Tony shoots at Heinrich, as Heinrich shoots at Albert. But instead of bullets, flags emerge from the barrels of the gun. Each flag has the word "BANG!" written on it.
Hey! These ain't real guns!
Lucky for us!
Albert notices there is a piece of paper taped onto the flag that emerged from his gun. Albert takes the piece of paper and reads what is written on it.
There's a piece of paper attached to mine. There's
something written on it. It says, "It is not too late
to repent. Merry Christmas from Santa - also known
as Frances Hearst - the Vanquisher!
here to go to more
THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
© 2005 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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