THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!

"Merry Christmas, League of Fiends!"

                                                               by Richard Nathan

 

Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:

                                                            VOICE
                                    Few know of its existence. 
                                    Those who do, tremble at its name! 
                                    Beware!  Beware of...
                                    THE LEAGUE OF FIENDS!!!

Lights come up on the Christmas Party of the latest incarnation of the dreaded League of Fiends.  Present are ALBERT, TONY and HEINRICH. 

The only furniture necessary is a chair in the center of the stage, and a table upstage with a bottle of booze and some glasses.   

Albert greets the others: 

                                                            ALBERT
                                    I'd like to welcome you, Tony and Heinrich, to 
                                    the first of what we hope will be many, many
                                    Christmas parties of the newest incarnation of
                                    the League of Fiends!

                                                            TONY
                                    Albert, there are only three of us!  What kind of 
                                    Christmas party can we have with only three
                                    fiends!

                                                            HEINRICH
                                    A great party!  The fewer guests, the more
                                    food and booze there is for me!

                                                            ALBERT
                                    Our new League is young.  There will be time to
                                    grow.  But we must be vigilant.  We believe the
                                    prior formations of the League were destroyed 
                                    by the mysterious crime fighter known as Francis
                                    Hearst, the Vanquisher.  We can not be certain
                                    of this because no Fiends from the prior Leagues 
                                    survived.  But let us not dwell on the failures of
                                    the past.  Let us celebrate the holiday! 

                                                            TONY
                                    But Albert, we're fiends!  Should we be celebrating
                                    Christmas?   Ain't that more for, - I don't know, -
                                    nice people?

                                                            HEINRICH
                                    Hey, I may be a fiend, but I like food and booze and
                                    presents as much as the next guy!

                                                            ALBERT
                                    As do we all!  Which is why I have engaged someone
                                    special to entertain us tonight.  May I present... SANTA
                                    Claus!

 Enter SANTA!  The Fiends do not realize that Santa is really Frances Hearst, the Vanquisher, in a Santa disguise.  (The Fiends do not realize their enemy is Frances, a woman; nor do they realize the person in the Santa outfit is a woman.)

                                                            SANTA
                                    Ho!  Ho!  Ho!  Merry Christmas, everyone!  Come 
                                    and sit on Santa's lap!

Santa sits on the chair.

                                                            TONY
                                    I ain't sitting on Santa's lap!

                                                            SANTA
                                    Tony, if you don't sit on my lap, how can I give
                                    you your present?

                                                            HEINRICH
                                    You can give me his present, Santa!

                                                            TONY
                                    Nobody's getting my present but me!

Tony sits on Santa's lap.

                                                            SANTA
                                    Why don't you other boys help yourselves to some
                                    Christmas cheer so I can talk privately to Tony?

Albert and Heinrich go upstage to help themselves to the booze.

                                                            SANTA
                                    Tell me, Tony, have you been a good boy this
                                    year?

                                                            TONY
                                    Hell no, Santa.  I been a fiend!

                                                            SANTA
                                    Really?  Heinrich told me you'd been a good
                                    boy! 

                                                            TONY
                                    That lying rat!!!  He's gonna push me too far!

                                                            SANTA
                                    Never mind!  I have a Christmas present here,
                                    just for you.

Santa takes a wrapped gift from his bag and hands it to Tony.  Tony unwraps it.  It's a gun.

                                                            TONY
                                    For me?  A gun!  Just what I wanted!

                                                            SANTA
                                    Don't you have a gun already?

                                                            TONY
                                    Sure, but you can't have too many guns! 
                                    Besides, Albert told us not to bring our
                                    guns to the party - so this may come in
                                    handy!

                                                            SANTA
                                    I'm sure it will!  Merry Christmas, Tony!

Tony gets off Santa's lap.

                                                            SANTA
                                    Where's Heinrich?  It's Heinrich's turn!

Tony goes to the booze table as Heinrich comes down and sits on Santa's lap.

                                                            HEINRICH
                                    What have you got for me, Santa?

                                                            SANTA
                                    Slow down, Heinrich.  I've heard you are too
                                    eager for your own good.

                                                            HEINRICH
                                    What do you mean?  Who told you that?

                                                            SANTA
                                    Albert told me he was concerned that you
                                    might try to take over the League of Fiends. 

                                                            HEINRICH
                                    Maybe I will.  I'd be a better leader than he is!

                                                            SANTA
                                    You'd better not let him hear you say so.  He told
                                    me he'd keep you in your place, no matter what!

                                                            HEINRICH
                                    Oh he did, did he?

                                                            SANTA
                                    Here's your present, Heinrich!

Santa takes a wrapped gift from his bag and hands it to Heinrich.  Heinrich unwraps it.  It's a gun.

                                                            HEINRICH
                                    A gun!  Gee, thanks, Santa!  This is going
                                    to come in handy!!!

Heinrich gets off Santa's lap.

                                                            SANTA
                                    Albert!  It's your turn!

Heinrich goes to the booze table as Albert comes down and sits on Santa's lap.

                                                            ALBERT
                                    Thanks for coming, Santa.  Even though we're fiends,
                                    I thought we should have a nice Christmas.

                                                            SANTA
                                    Ho!  Ho!  Ho!  That's what I told Tony!  He said he
                                    thought Christmas was only for saps! 

                                                            ALBERT
                                    Are you telling me Tony called me a sap?

                                                            SANTA
                                    Never mind!  It's time for you to open your
                                    Christmas present!

Santa takes a wrapped gift from his bag and hands it to Albert.  Albert unwraps it.  It's a gun.

                                                            ALBERT
                                    A gun!  Thank you, Santa!  It's a perfect 
                                    gift!

Heinrich gets off Santa's lap.  Santa stands up.

                                                            SANTA
                                    Well, it's time for me to be getting back to
                                    the North Pole!  I hope all you fiends enjoy
                                    your Christmas presents.

                                                            ALBERT, TONY &
                                                                HEINRICH
                                    We will, Santa!  We will!

                                                            SANTA
                                    Ho!  Ho!  Ho!  I'm sure you will!

Santa exits.  The Fiends turn on one another.  They speak in unison:

                                                            ALBERT
                                    A sap, am I?

                                                            TONY
                                    A good boy?

                                                            HEINRICH
                                    Afraid I'll take over?

All draw their guns.  Albert shoots at Tony, as Tony shoots at Heinrich, as Heinrich shoots at Albert.  But instead of bullets, flags emerge from the barrels of the gun.  Each flag has the word "BANG!" written on it.

                                                            TONY
                                    Hey!  These ain't real guns!

                                                            HEINRICH
                                    Lucky for us!

Albert notices there is a piece of paper taped onto the flag that emerged from his gun.  Albert takes the piece of paper and reads what is written on it.

                                                            ALBERT
                                    There's a piece of paper attached to mine.  There's
                                    something written on it.  It says, "It is not too late
                                    to repent.  Merry Christmas from Santa - also known
                                    as Frances Hearst - the Vanquisher!

   

BLACKOUT!

THE END

 

 

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 THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
scripts

2005 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.