Frights

PLAYHOUSE OF THE DAMNED

"Frights! Camera! Action!"

by Richard Nathan

The spotlight is up on our host, GUS THE GHOUL, while the set is prepared for the next story, which takes place in a rustic mountain cabin. A couple of wooden chairs will be needed, and a window should be suggested somewhere (perhaps downstage, in the fourth wall).

                                                            GUS
                                    Do you like scary movies? Horrible,
                                    frightening films that make you jump right
                                    out of your seat, screaming in terror? You
                                    do? Then why don't you go see a scary
                                    movie, instead of wasting your time with
                                    this garbage? Garbage, like our next
                                    story about a man who directs horror films.
                                    His name is George Gardner, and the story
                                    takes place in his mountain cabin, where
                                    he’s invited his producer Ronald Dawson
                                    to join him for a weekend of fishing and
                                    relaxation. But things won’t be very
                                    relaxing in this story we call "Frights!
                                    Camera! Action!"

Gus exits. Lights come up on the Cabin. GEORGE GARDNER is sitting in a chair with a smile of evil anticipation on his face. There’s a knock at the door.

GEORGE
Come in!

Enter RONALD DAWSON and his daughter ALLISON. Allison carries her father’s luggage.

GEORGE
Ron! Allison! Good to see you.

Ronald offers a cool greeting to George.

RONALD
George.

                                                            ALLISON
                                    Sorry we’re so late. Okay. I’m gonna
                                    head back.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    You sure I can't persuade you to stay?
                                    I bet the fish are biting like crazy.

ALLISON
I bet the mosquitoes are too!

Allison kisses her father on the cheek and starts to exit.

ALLISON
‘Bye, daddy. I'll see you Sunday night.

                                                            RONALD
                                    Don't be late. I've got a six o'clock
                                    breakfast meeting Monday, and I've got
                                    to be sharp!

                                                            ALLISON
                                    Have a good time. Try to get some
                                    relaxation.

She exits and George closes the door. George puts away the fishing gear as Ronald opens the overnight case and takes out a script.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    You're a lucky man to have a daughter like
                                    Allison.

Ronald ignores the remark and hand the script to George.

                                                            RONALD
                                    Here. I want you to read this. It's your
                                    next picture.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    You never quit, do you? Didn't we agree:
                                    no work this weekend, just fun?

RONALD
Think of this as fun. It's a first-class script.

George reads the title on the front page of the script.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    "Teenage Stewardess Massacre!" No. I
                                    won't do it.

Ronald takes back the script and puts it aside.

RONALD
Okay, read it Monday.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    I didn’t mean, “No, I won’t read it.” I
                                    meant, “No, I won’t direct it.”

                                                            RONALD
                                    Of course you'll direct it! We've got a
                                    six picture exclusive deal!

                                                            GEORGE
                                    You promised me only three of those
                                    pictures would be horror! I've already
                                    done four horror films!

RONALD
You did a damned fine job, too.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    How would you know? You never saw
                                    them!

RONALD
They made money, didn't they?

                                                            GEORGE
                                    I want to do meaningful stories about real
                                    people with real problems!

RONALD
What do you know about reality?

GEORGE
You promised me I could branch out!

RONALD
Is that in your contract?

GEORGE
No, but you said I could trust you!

RONALD
That proves you know zip about reality.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Then let me try something at another
                                    studio.

                                                            RONALD
                                    Are you nuts? You're the best horror director
                                    I've got. I'd be crazy to let you go.

GEORGE
Then I guess I'll have to scare you to death.

RONALD
What the hell are you talking about?

                                                            GEORGE
                                    I know you have a bad heart. I overheard
                                    your secretary talking about it last week.
                                    That's the real reason you've never seen
                                    any of my pictures, isn't it? You're afraid
                                    your heart can't take it!

RONALD
Aw, come on, George, you moron, do you....

                                                            GEORGE
                                    So I decided if you wouldn't let me branch
                                    out, or let me out of my contract, I'd just have
                                    to scare you to death! It's the perfect crime -
                                    murder, but it looks just like natural causes!

George goes to the door, opens it, and calls out:

GEORGE
Danny! Come in here, please.

Enter DAN WESTON, wearing a latex monster mask, jeans, and a bulky down jacket. He carries a phony knife with a retractable blade, so that when the pretends to stab someone with it, the blade goes back into the handle. A moment after he enters, Dan pulls off the mask and grabs Ronald's hand to shake it.

                                                            DAN
                                    Hello, Mr. Dawson. I want you to know
                                    I have nothing against you personally. It's
                                    just that it's real hard for beginning actors
                                    like myself to find work, and besides, this
                                    is a real challenge, you know? Actually
                                    scaring someone to death!

                                                             GEORGE
                                    Ron, this is Dan Weston. He's going to
                                    play the part of a homicidal maniac who's
                                    just escaped from an insane asylum.

                                                            DAN
                                    I go around wearing this mask, see, and
                                    I sneak up and stab people!

Dan demonstrates his stabbing technique by attacking George with the phony knife.

                                                            RONALD
                                    This isn't what's supposed to scare me,
                                    is it?

GEORGE
No. I'm just introducing the cast.

                                                            RONALD
                                    Good. I'm glad you didn't expect me to be
                                    scared to death by a crummy actor with a
                                    phony knife.

DAN
Hey! I'm a good actor!

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Dan, why don't you go put on your policeman's
                                    uniform?

Dan leaves by the front door as George turns back to Ronald.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    I forgot to tell you, Dan also plays a policeman.
                                    This is a low budget production.

                                                            RONALD
                                    George, maybe I have been working you
                                    too hard. Take another week off, get
                                    some rest, and then you can start pre-
                                    production!

                                                            GEORGE
                                    No! No more of your trivial, clichéd, puerile
                                    bloodbaths! This is my final horror, ever!!!

                                                            RONALD
                                    But you're not even making sense. Even if I
                                    believed you wanted to kill me, which I don't,
                                    why should I be scared when I know this is
                                    all phony?

                                                            GEORGE
                                    People who go to horror films know what
                                    they're seeing isn't real, but they're frightened,
                                    just the same.

George starts walking around Ronald, trying to get behind him. Ronald keeps turning, keeping an eye on George.

                                                             GEORGE
                                    There's a scene in almost every horror film
                                    where the victim goes straight to the one
                                    place where the killer is most likely to be.
                                    And the audience gets more and more
                                    frightened because they know the killer is
                                    going to suddenly spring out of the shadows
                                    and strike, but they don't know exactly when....
                                    or how. The anticipation is what makes it
                                    so frightening! I want you to know that Dan
                                    is going to lunge out at you with his phony
                                    knife, but you won't know when.... or how.

                                                            RONALD
                                    What's to stop me from walking back to
                                    town?

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Danny. He's waiting out there.... in the
                                    shadows.

                                                            RONALD
                                    With a phony knife! This isn't just crazy, it's
                                    idiotic!

                                                            GEORGE
                                    You want to go outside? There's the front
                                    door!

Ronald walks to the front door. As he reaches for the doorknob, Dan bursts in with a pistol pointing right at Ronald's head. Dan wears a police uniform, the shirt of which is several sizes too big, and he speaks with a ridiculously bad phony Irish accent.

DAN
Hold it right there!

GEORGE
Officer Reilly!

                                                            DAN
                                    Oh, it's you, is it, Mr. Gardner? I didn't
                                    know you were using the cabin this weekend.
                                    I hope I didn't frighten you.

RONALD
You didn't frighten me!

                                                            DAN
                                    I saw the light on, and thought it might be
                                    the escaped homicidal maniac.

GEORGE
What maniac?

                                                            DAN
                                    Haven't you heard? A terrible, bloodthirsty,
                                    homicidal maniac escaped from the local
                                    insane asylum. He's armed and dangerous.
                                    A mad, raving, insane lunatic.

Dan peers at Ronald with suspicion.

DAN
I don't think I know your friend.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    I'm sorry. This is Ronald Dawson, the
                                    owner of Dawson Pictures.

                                                            DAN
                                    Oh, Mr. Dawson, this is a great honor! It is
                                    indeed!

Dan grabs Ronald's hand and pumps it up and down.

RONALD
Will you stop using that ridiculous accent!

Dan, visibly offended, continues speaking in the ridiculous accent.

                                                            DAN
                                    Now just a minute, Mr. Dawson. I don't
                                    care how many studios you own. I'll not
                                    have you saying anything against the Irish!

                                                            GEORGE
                                    He didn't mean anything personal, Officer
                                    Reilly. He's had a hard night.

DAN
Well, anyway, you've got a gun, haven't you?

GEORGE
Yes.

                                                            DAN
                                    Keep it loaded and ready! I have a strange
                                    feeling that the deadly, escaped homicidal
                                    maniac is close by.... waiting! So you be
                                    careful!

Dan dramatically whirls out the door and slams it behind him, but the effect is spoiled by his nightstick getting caught in the door. He opens the door, pulls the nightstick out, and closes the door behind him once more.

RONALD
What the hell was that?

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Comic relief. A last moment of humor before
                                    the horror begins.

George takes out a pistol.

RONALD
Is that thing loaded?

GEORGE
Yes. With blanks.

Ronald looks skeptical.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    What? You think I'm going to shoot you?
                                    Look, if I can't scare you to death, you're
                                    not going to die. I promise, you have nothing
                                    to fear but fear itself! If you don't believe
                                    they're blanks, I can prove it to you.

George aims the gun at Ronald.

GEORGE
Shall I pull the trigger?

                                                            RONALD
                                    You'll pay for this, Gardner! You're not
                                    gonna direct "Teenage Stewardess Massacre!"
                                    I'm gonna assign you to something even worse...

George, keeping the gun aimed at Ronald, stares him into silence.

                                                            GEORGE
                                                (anger building)
                                    There is nothing worse than the trash you've
                                    given me! You've forced me to waste my
                                    talent on garbage written by fourth-rate hacks
                                    who never even try to be any good. And if I
                                    ever try to insert something creative, something
                                    original, something with just a touch of finesse,
                                    I know it won't matter because the only people
                                    who see my films are subhuman deviants who
                                    don't care about anything but the quantity of
                                    blood and the number of hacked-up bodies!
                                    And each year there are fewer movie-goers
                                    who want or even recognize quality, and more
                                    and more morons who only want the bodies
                                    and blood. And it's all the fault of cheap,
                                    money-grubbing producers like you!!! Is it any
                                    wonder I want to kill you?

George is enraged. His anger is frightening. He brings the gun close to Ronald's head.

RONALD
You're nuts!

Ronald grabs the gun from George. He aims it at George.

GEORGE
I told you, it’s loaded with blanks.

                                                            RONALD
                                    Then you shouldn’t mind if I test it by
                                    pulling the trigger.

Suddenly the maniac (wearing the latex mask) runs in screaming and waving the knife in the air. Without even thinking, Ronald whirls and fires. The maniac clutches his chest as blood pours from his wounds. The maniac falls dead.

GEORGE
I was counting on you to do that.

RONALD
That's not real blood, is it?

GEORGE
Of course not. Why don't you go see?

Ronald hesitates.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Well, go on! Or are you afraid he's still going
                                    to get you?

RONALD
No!

                                                            GEORGE
                                    You should be. This is the climax, the classic
                                    scene when the killer, who you thought was
                                    dead, turns out to be alive, and kills again!
                                    You've seen it a billion times! Oh, I forgot,
                                    you don't go to horror films, do you?

Ronald looks at the Maniac, lying in a huge pool of blood.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Go on. He's waiting for you. Walk over to
                                    him. You want to make sure you haven't
                                    really killed anyone, don't you?

RONALD
I'd like to kill you!

GEORGE
Later. Go check on him first.

Ronald is genuinely frightened. He knows the Maniac is going to jump up and shout at him, and he knows he'll be frightened when it happens. He edges over towards the body. Just as he passes the open door, ANOTHER MANIAC in identical clothes with an identical latex mask lunges out of the bushes, stabbing Ronald with a phony knife and screaming. Ronald clutches at the mask of his assailant and it comes off, revealing Dan. Ronald is frightened and short of breath, but he doesn't have a heart attack.... yet.

                                                            RONALD
                                    I admit it. That was good. You scared me.
                                    But you didn't scare me to death. I win.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Not exactly. You see, I was never really
                                    certain I could scare you to death. But I
                                    knew I could trick you into shooting your
                                    daughter.

The awful realization dawns on Ronald. He knows who is lying in the blood on the floor.

RONALD
Allison? Allison!!!

He runs over to her, kneels down on the ground, and rips off the mask. It is indeed Allison, gagged. Her lifeless eyes are frozen in pain and terror. Ronald turns to face George.

RONALD
You....

Suddenly Allison springs to life, stabbing Ronald and screaming as loudly as she can through the gag. And Ronald finally has his fatal heart attack. He clutches at his chest and fights for breath, but it won't come. The pain is awful. He dies.

DAN
We did it!!!

GEORGE
Nice work, Allison!

Allison removes the gag.

ALLISON
Thank you, darling.

She kisses George passionately.

                                                            GEORGE
                                    You won't regret this, darling! I swear
                                    the pictures I'll make for you now will earn
                                    three times the grosses of those awful horror
                                    pictures, and they'll be films you can be
                                    proud of. No more "Teenage Stewardess
                                    Massacre"!

                                                            RONALD
                                    I thought I told you, I'm taking that project
                                    away from you!!!

I lied (in the stage directions when I said Ronald died). Ronald didn’t really die. He was only faking it.

ALLISON
Daddy! You're alive!

                                                            RONALD
                                    Of course I'm alive, you imbeciles! There's
                                    nothing wrong with my heart!

GEORGE
But I heard your secretary say...

                                                            RONALD
                                    Yeah, I heard her too. She said there was
                                    something the matter with my heart. She
                                    said it because I didn't give her the raise she
                                    wanted! She didn't mean I was sick!

GEORGE
But why did you......

                                                            RONALD
                                    I wanted to see how far you would take this,
                                    and who else was in on it! You're going to
                                    wish you really had killed me. You're gonna
                                    pay -- all of you! Allison, first thing Monday
                                    I'm canceling all your credit cards and cutting
                                    your allowance to nothing. You want money,
                                    get a job! And you, Officer Reilly or whatever
                                    you call yourself, I'm going to see that you
                                    never work in this town again.... not that anyone
                                    would hire you anyway. That was the worst
                                    performance I've ever seen! And finally you,
                                    George. You thought you were directing
                                    garbage before. Of course you were; that's
                                    why I never went to the screenings! But the
                                    trash you directed before was nothing
                                    compared to the mindless drivel you'll have
                                    to direct now!

Ronald goes to his overnight case and takes out another script. He forces it into George's hands.

RONALD
Here's your new assignment.

GEORGE
What is it?

George looks at the title page as Ronald tells him the title:

RONALD
"Return To The Playhouse Of The Damned!"

George screams in horror. He runs out of the cabin. Allison runs after him.

ALLISON
George!

Dan follows them.

DAN
Hey! You promised to make me a star!

Ronald is left alone in the cabin. He picks up his briefcase and exits.

We hear all the characters SCREAMING off stage. Then a masked maniac, in the same outfit with the same latex monster mask, and holding a bloody knife, steps into the cabin. The maniac removes the mask. It’s GUS THE GHOUL.

                                                            GUS
                                    I’m so embarrassed. I tried to scare them all
                                    with my phony knife, and I made such a fool
                                    of myself. I accidentally used a real knife.

THE END

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The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.