THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!

"Judith of the Jungle Returns!"

                                                               by Richard Nathan

 

Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:

                                                            VOICE
                                    At age twenty-five, Judith Weinberger was
                                    one of the most promising creative executives
                                    in Hollywood.  Then a script she passed on 
                                    became a mega-blockbuster at another
                                    studio.  Scorned by the people she thought
                                    were her friends, Judith Weinberger left
                                    Hollywood, never to be seen at the studios
                                    again.  But now, ten years later, in Africa, she
                                    is a legend!  She is... JUDITH OF THE
                                    JUNGLE! 

Lights come up on JUDITH  OF THE JUNGLE, doing her nails.  Enter DAVID, a Hollywood director down on his luck.  He carries a small overnight luggage bag.

                                                            DAVID
                                    Judith of the Jungle!  Thank goodness you're here!

Judith smiles, then looks concerned.

                                                            JUDITH
                                    David!  Bubbellah!  Did you bring it?  Tell me you
                                    brought it!  Hand it over!

                                                            DAVID
                                    What?

                                                            JUDITH
                                    David, did I or did I not tell you that you could visit
                                    me subject to one condition?

                                                            DAVID
                                    Oh!  Right!  Of course!

David reaches into his luggage and takes out a pastrami on rye sandwich, which he hands to Judith.  She immediately bites into it.

                                                            DAVID
                                    Straight to you from Greenblatt's Deli in Los
                                    Angeles.

                                                            JUDITH
                                    I swear to God, I love Africa with all my heart,
                                    but the people here just can't make a decent
                                    pastrami on rye!  Why is that?

                                                            DAVID
                                    Judith, if you'll come back to L.A., you can have
                                    all the pastrami on rye you could ever want.

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Never!  I never want to see those goniffs again!

                                                            DAVID
                                    But I need you!  You were the best creative exec
                                    ever!  You're the only one who could find 
                                    properties that were both appealing to a mass
                                    audience and intelligent!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Intelligent!  Feh!  Who wants intelligent these  
                                    days?  Would intelligent people pay eight bucks
                                    for popcorn?  Intelligent movies are for shmendriks,
                                    which is why I came to Africa!

                                                            DAVID
                                    But I need you, Judith.  My career's in the
                                    toilet because I can't choose the projects
                                    today's audiences want to see!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    You think I could do any better?  Today's
                                     audiences, they're all ....

Enter the WARDEN from Judith's private animal sanctuary.  

                                                            WARDEN
                                    Judith!  Thank goodness you're here!  Your old
                                    enemy has returned!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Which one?  I have enemies like a lion has fleas.

                                                            WARDEN
                                    I mean your greatest enemy!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Not...

                                                            WARDEN
                                    Yes indeed!  Shiksa, Queen of the Lost Tribe
                                    of the Goyim People.  She is threatening to
                                    lead an army of Goyim People to take over your
                                    animal sanctuary!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Oy gevalt!  Sorry, David, I've got to go handle this.

Judith hands the half-eaten sandwich to the Warden.

                                                            JUDITH
                                        Save that for me!

She runs out.  The Warden and David also exit.  After a moment, a SHIKSA enters from one side of the stage.  Judith enters from the other side, and they confront each other.

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Shiksa!

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    That's Queen Shiksa to you!  I am the Queen of the
                                    Lost Tribe of the Goyim People!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    So where's your tribe?

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    Lost!  I told them a million times to take the bus going
                                    East from the airport!   

                                                            JUDITH
                                    But this is West of the Airport!

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    It is?

                                                             JUDITH
                                    Certainly.

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    It's still their fault!  They should know by now I can't
                                    read maps!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Shiksa, why do you give me so much tsooris? 
                                    What did I ever do to you?

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    You ask that, after ruining my life?

                                                            JUDITH
                                    I ruined your life???  You were the worst secretary I
                                    ever had!

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    Assistant!  I was your assistant!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    But you did everything wrong!  You could never get
                                    the copier to work or take down my messages, and
                                    still, out of the goodness of my heart, I never fired
                                    you!  And for that, you say I ruined your life!

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    You were supposed to take me with you to the top! 
                                    When you quit the business, I had no where to go! 
                                    No one wanted anyone who had been associated with
                                    you!  I was treated like a leopard.

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Leper!  You mean Leper!

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    I mean leopard!  Everyone was scared to go anywhere
                                    near me, like you'd be scared of a leopard!  Why do
                                    you always treat me like such an idiot?

Enter David!

                                                            DAVID
                                    Judith!  I can't wait anymore!  I need you to tell me
                                    which script I should choose as my next
                                    project!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    David!  I've got it!  The solution to everyone's
                                    problems!  Meet Shiksa, you're new development
                                    exec!

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    Me?

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Of course you!  Who better than someone like you
                                    to find the scripts that will appeal to today's audiences!

                                                            DAVID
                                    Will you do it, Shiksa?  I can start you off at Two
                                    Hundred Thousand a year.

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    Okay, but only if I get points!

                                                            DAVID
                                    Points!  You're asking for points!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Give her net.  She's worth net points.

                                                            DAVID
                                    Okay net! 

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    It's a deal!

                                                            JUDITH
                                    Now that we've got all that settled, I'm going to go
                                    finish my pastrami sandwich!       

   Judith runs out.

                                                            SHIKSA
                                    Isn't she great?

                                                            DAVID
                                    She's not chopped liver!!!

BLACKOUT!

THE END

 

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2005 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.