THEATER OF
THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
"Judith of the Jungle Returns!"
by Richard Nathan
Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:
VOICE
At age twenty-five, Judith Weinberger was
one of the most promising creative executives
in Hollywood. Then a script she passed on
became a mega-blockbuster at another
studio. Scorned by the people she thought
were her friends, Judith Weinberger left
Hollywood, never to be seen at the studios
again. But now, ten years later, in Africa, she
is a legend! She is... JUDITH OF THE
JUNGLE!
Lights come up on JUDITH OF THE JUNGLE, doing her nails. Enter DAVID, a Hollywood director down on his luck. He carries a small overnight luggage bag.
DAVID
Judith of the Jungle! Thank goodness you're here!
Judith smiles, then looks concerned.
JUDITH
David! Bubbellah! Did you bring it? Tell me you
brought it! Hand it over!
DAVID
What?
JUDITH
David, did I or did I not tell you that you could visit
me subject to one condition?
DAVID
Oh! Right! Of course!
David reaches into his luggage and takes out a pastrami on rye sandwich, which he hands to Judith. She immediately bites into it.
DAVID
Straight to you from Greenblatt's Deli in Los
Angeles.
JUDITH
I swear to God, I love Africa with all my heart,
but the people here just can't make a decent
pastrami on rye! Why is that?
DAVID
Judith, if you'll come back to L.A., you can have
all the pastrami on rye you could ever want.
JUDITH
Never! I never want to see those goniffs again!
DAVID
But I need you! You were the best creative exec
ever! You're the only one who could find
properties that were both appealing to a mass
audience and intelligent!
JUDITH
Intelligent! Feh! Who wants intelligent these
days? Would intelligent people pay eight bucks
for popcorn? Intelligent movies are for shmendriks,
which is why I came to Africa!
DAVID
But I need you, Judith. My career's in the
toilet because I can't choose the projects
today's audiences want to see!
JUDITH
You think I could do any better? Today's
audiences, they're all ....
Enter the WARDEN from Judith's private animal sanctuary.
WARDEN
Judith! Thank goodness you're here! Your old
enemy has returned!
JUDITH
Which one? I have enemies like a lion has fleas.
WARDEN
I mean your greatest enemy!
JUDITH
Not...
WARDEN
Yes indeed! Shiksa, Queen of the Lost Tribe
of the Goyim People. She is threatening to
lead an army of Goyim People to take over your
animal sanctuary!
JUDITH
Oy gevalt! Sorry, David, I've got to go handle this.
Judith hands the half-eaten sandwich to the Warden.
JUDITH
Save that for me!
She runs out. The Warden and David also exit. After a moment, a SHIKSA enters from one side of the stage. Judith enters from the other side, and they confront each other.
JUDITH
Shiksa!
SHIKSA
That's Queen Shiksa to you! I am the Queen of the
Lost Tribe of the Goyim People!
JUDITH
So where's your tribe?
SHIKSA
Lost! I told them a million times to take the bus going
East from the airport!
JUDITH
But this is West of the Airport!
SHIKSA
It is?
JUDITH
Certainly.
SHIKSA
It's still their fault! They should know by now I can't
read maps!
JUDITH
Shiksa, why do you give me so much tsooris?
What did I ever do to you?
SHIKSA
You ask that, after ruining my life?
JUDITH
I ruined your life??? You were the worst secretary I
ever had!
SHIKSA
Assistant! I was your assistant!
JUDITH
But you did everything wrong! You could never get
the copier to work or take down my messages, and
still, out of the goodness of my heart, I never fired
you! And for that, you say I ruined your life!
SHIKSA
You were supposed to take me with you to the top!
When you quit the business, I had no where to go!
No one wanted anyone who had been associated with
you! I was treated like a leopard.
JUDITH
Leper! You mean Leper!
SHIKSA
I mean leopard! Everyone was scared to go anywhere
near me, like you'd be scared of a leopard! Why do
you always treat me like such an idiot?
Enter David!
DAVID
Judith! I can't wait anymore! I need you to tell me
which script I should choose as my next
project!
JUDITH
David! I've got it! The solution to everyone's
problems! Meet Shiksa, you're new development
exec!
SHIKSA
Me?
JUDITH
Of course you! Who better than someone like you
to find the scripts that will appeal to today's audiences!
DAVID
Will you do it, Shiksa? I can start you off at Two
Hundred Thousand a year.
SHIKSA
Okay, but only if I get points!
DAVID
Points! You're asking for points!
JUDITH
Give her net. She's worth net points.
DAVID
Okay net!
SHIKSA
It's a deal!
JUDITH
Now that we've got all that settled, I'm going to go
finish my pastrami sandwich!
Judith runs out.
SHIKSA
Isn't she great?
DAVID
She's not chopped liver!!!
BLACKOUT!
THE END
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© 2005 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.