NO FUNNY STUFF
by Richard Nathan
Lights come up on a comedy club. A few PATRONS are seated at chairs. MAX, the man who runs the club, stands by the back door. There is a knock at the door. Behind the door (not yet visible to us) are PHIL and his date NANCY. Max goes to the door and calls out in response to the knocking.
What’s the password?
I thought the password was “whoa.”
Not if you say it like that. You
gotta say it funny.
in a big, ridiculous way)
Max opens the door.
Come on in.
Enter Phil and Nancy.
You sure she’s not a yak?
I can’t believe I’m going to actually
see comedy! For the first time!
She’s never seen comedy?
She was born in 2013. Comedy was
outlawed in 2010.
Yeah, but just cause it’s illegal doesn’t
mean you can’t get it.
She’s never seen it.
You sure she’s not a yak?
What’s a yak?
What a narc is to drugs, a yak is to
Oh! I’m definitely not a yak!
You’d better not be!
I want to see for myself if comedy is
as bad as they say it is.
You know what the government says,
don’t you? They claim comedy got so
bad, it became toxic. They say it rots
your brain and turns your stomach.
They say it makes you puke til you
turn green. Especially the sitcoms.
But of course that’s nonsense.
Except the part about the sitcoms.
Well, yeah, the sitcom part is true.
But the rest is nonsense!
I’ve heard that since comedy was
outlawed, life spans have increased,
I.Q.s have skyrocketed, wages in every
sector of the economy have gone way up,
and we haven’t been in a war in 20 years.
Sheer coincidence. And if some comedy
is bad, it just means you got to be careful
about your supplier. Make sure you only get
the good stuff.
Yeah. The government just over-reacted.
Do you realize it is illegal to say “whoa”
unless you’re talking to a horse?
What about earlier comedy,- from a long
time ago? That wasn’t toxic, was it?
Even the government admits that early
comedy was okay - but they say that classic
comedy only encourages new comedians to
perform. And they say all new comedians
suck - or at least such a large percentage sucks -
that it’s not worth the risk to let anyone
perform any comedy.
I sure would like to see some classic comedy.
You’re in luck. Because tonight, at our
Laugh Easy, you’re going to see the
world’s number one Groucho Marx
The government’s got a price tag on
his head: One million dollars to anyone
who brings him in, dead or alive. Hey!
Here he comes.
Enter the Groucho IMPERSONATOR.
Last night I shot an elephant who got into
my pajamas. How an elephant could fit into
my pajamas is something I won’t ever
understand. I guess it was desperate to get
into my pants. Who can blame it? Hey, I
got a contract to appear here tonight. Is says
I’m the party of the first part. I’ve got a first
part for them! Let’s have a party with my first
part. Hey, either you people aren’t breathing, or
my watch has run down. I never forget a face,
but - man - are you ugly!!!
NANCY pulls out a gun and shoot the Impersonator dead.
You’re all under arrest. Hands up! And no
Max, Phil and the Patrons all put up their hands. Enter Nancy’s boss, the CHIEF, with a gun drawn.
She was a yak!
I swear I didn’t know!
Nice work, Agent Fenwick!
Was it bad? Are you hurt?
It was awful, Chief. Awful stuff.
But it’s all part of the job.
I don’t know how you do it, Agent
I do it for the kids, Chief. I do it to
protect the kids.
Everyone except for Nancy freezes, as Nancy steps downstage and speaks directly to the audience.
Remember folks, comedy kills. All of it.
Your so-called friends may try to tell you
it’s safe to sample a few knock-knock jokes.
Listen to them, and you’ll wind up puking
your guts out in some alley. Remember -
it’s up to you to just say “no” to the funny
© 2007 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
Send e-mail to the author at .
Click here to go to other scripts by the same author