SCIENCE FICTION BLAST-OFF THEATER

"The Omniscient Ones"

                                                               by Richard Nathan

 

Before the lights come up, a voice announces the title of the story:

                                                            VOICE
                                    "The Omniscient Ones"

Lights come up on a hotel room at a futuristic room at an intergalactic summit meeting.  Enter a PLUMBER.  The Plumber looks around the room and does not see anyone.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    Hello!  Hello?  Excuse me?

A disembodied VOICE answers from nowhere and from everywhere:

                                                            VOICE
                                    We excuse you!

                                                            PLUMBER
                                                    (startled)
                                    Oh!  I didn't see you.  I still don't see you. 
                                    Where are you?

                                                            VOICE
                                    We are here.  And we are everywhere. 

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    All right.  If you say so.

                                                            VOICE
                                    You wish to ask us something.  Ask whatever you
                                    desire and we will answer!

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    Anything?

                                                            VOICE
                                    We know all.  We dwell outside of time and space,
                                    which means we dwell in all time and all space.  We
                                    are everywhere and always, so that we truly know
                                    all.  What is it you wish to know?

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    If you know everything, shouldn't you already
                                    know what I want to ask?  

                                                            VOICE
                                    Yes.  We should.  Does that answer your
                                    question?

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    That wasn't my question.

                                                            VOICE
                                    Then why did you ask it?

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    My question is:  Is this the room with the backed-up
                                    toilet?  The concierge said someone on this floor
                                    complained about a backed-up toilet.

                                                            VOICE
                                    We do not use toilets.  We exist outside of time and
                                    space.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    It could have been a visitor to your room, maybe one
                                    of the other dignitaries attending the summit.

                                                            VOICE
                                    We have few visitors.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    So, are you telling me your toilet is not backed-up?

                                                            VOICE
                                    From our perspective, the toilet is always backed up
                                    and is always not backed up.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    You don't give very useful answers.

                                                            VOICE
                                    That's why we do not have many visitors.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    If you live outside of time and space, why were you 
                                    assigned to this room?  Why do you need a room
                                    at all?

                                                            VOICE
                                    So that other, less-evolved species at the galactic 
                                    summit have a place to find us.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    Didn't you say you have few visitors?

                                                            VOICE
                                    Other, less-evolved species, seem to find us annoying.       

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    Do you mind if I take a look at the toilet?

                                                            VOICE
                                    Be our guest.

The Plumber exits, and re-enters a moment later.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    Auggghhh!  Do you know what's in there!  You
                                    must have seven different kinds of crap floating
                                    in there!  Why didn't you call someone sooner?

                                                            VOICE
                                    Time has no meaning for us.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    What about smell?  Does smell have meaning? 
                                    How can you put up with that???

                                                            VOICE
                                    Whatever is...  is.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    What is... is seven kinds of crap, and a towel
                                    stuffed down the toilet.  Someone did this on
                                    purpose!

                                                            VOICE
                                    As we said, other species find us annoying.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    The galactic assembly is going to bill you for
                                    the damages.  You must have known that, being
                                    omniscient!

                                                            VOICE
                                    You can't bill us for what happened today!  We
                                    checked out yesterday!

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    But you're still here!

                                                            VOICE
                                    We told you - we have no concept of time.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    How can you know everything, but have no concept
                                    of time???

                                                            VOICE
                                    We never said it was easy being omniscient.

                                                            PLUMBER
                                    Okay, I'm gong to give you one more chance.  If you
                                    know everything, tell me the best way to clean up that
                                    mess in there.

                                                            VOICE
                                    The best way to clean up a mess is to be so evolved that
                                    someone else has to do it for you.

The Plumber tries several times to come up with an answer, but is unable to formulate a reply.

BLACKOUT!

 

THE END

 

 

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2005 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.