THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
"Captain Roderick Reef Returns!"
by Richard Nathan
Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:
Avast, me hearties! Climb aboard the
good ship Roving Finn, and raise the Jolly
Roger! 'Tis time to set sail with bravest
pirate ever to cruise the Spanish Main! 'Tis
time to join The Piratical Voyages of
Captain Roderick Reef!!!
Lights come up on the Captain's Cabin on the good ship Roving Finn! CAPTAIN RODERICK REEF is there, watching over JOAN HARDY, a female pirate, who lies week and unconscious. Enter JUANITA LOPEZ, who is disguised as a cabin boy. JUANITA brings in a bowl of chicken broth.
Here's the broth, Captain Reef. Do you
think she'll live?
Reef opens Joan's mouth and pours in a bit of soup. Joan wakes up and chokes on the soup.
Harr! Are you trying to poison me, ye bilge
rat? Bring me some rum!
I've been pouring rum down your throat for two
days with no results, so I thought I'd try this
Joan recognizes the Captain.
Reef, is it? Harr, I should have known it
were you. What happened to me?
You'll have to tell me, Joan. The last I heard,
you were sailing on the Vengeful Shark. So imagine
my surprise when I found you floating on a raft,
unconscious, in the middle of the sea.
Aye, it comes back to me now. It were
Cap'n Swiney who marooned me, when
I called him Captain Pig.
I never did like Swiney. It's men like him who
give piracy a bad name. I warned you not to
sail with him.
I could not sail with you, Reef. You're too
tender hearted for my taste, though you be a
devilish handsome lad!
Are you going to finish that broth?
Joan notices Joan for the first time.
Who be the girl, Reef? I thought I were the only
woman in your life!
What girl? I don't see any girl!
I mean you, Missy!
That's my cabin boy!
Juanita makes a lame attempt to sound like a bold, masculine pirate.
That's right. Everyone knows, I'm Juan, the cabin
boy! Just ask any of the men. I'm just one of the
guys. Um... Harr.
Joan draws her sword.
You may fool men, Missy, but you can't fool me!
Tell the truth, or I'll run you through.
All right! I confess. I am a girl.
Then I'll run you through for taking my Reef.
Come now, Joan. There's no need to fight over me!
Juanita's just a friend.
Belay that, Reef, or I'll kill you too! I always said
I'd kill any woman who came between us, and I
always keeps me word!
Joan stands up and takes a dueling stance.
Very well, foolish lady! Although I am a girl, I have
learned how to fence from the finest swordsmen in
Spain. En guarde!!!
Joan and Juanita fence! And they exchange taunts as they fence:
Careful, or I'll slice you to ribbons!
I won't stop at ribbons; I'll slice you into confetti!
Do people actually mistake you for a swordsman?.
No one has ever mistaken me for any sort of man!
Beware of my dancing blade!
My blade doesn't dance. It prefers to fight!
Ladies, please! Can't we talk this over?
Abruptly, the sounds of men cursing and fighting come from offstage! Enter CAP'N SWINEY and two members of his pirate crew: RATFACE and the FATGUT.
Reef! Har-har! We meet again!
Swiney, you dog! What are you doing on
Reef and Swiney begin fencing. Joan and Juanita stop their own match to look on.
Taking it away from you, Reef. Taking is what
a pirate does. Your men should keep a better
watch at night! We boarded before they knew
what hit them!
Reef is doing well, but Ratface and Fatgut prepare to stab him from behind.
We'll save you!
Joan starts fencing with Ratface and Juanita starts fencing with Fatgut. At almost the same moment, Reef stabs Swiney, Joan stabs Ratface and Juanita stabs Fatgut. All three of the villains fall down, apparently dead.
Well done, ladies! See what happens when we
I'm not done with her yet!
Joan turns to fight again with Juanita. Neither Joan nor Reef notices that Ratface isn't quite dead yet. Ratface rises to his knees and prepares to stab Joan in the back. But Juanita sees what is happening.
Juanita stabs Ratface, killing him.
You saved my life! I cannot fight with you.
And I no longer wish to fight with you.
The sounds of fighting off-stage have dwindled to silence. A PIRATE calls to Reef from offstage.
Cap'n Reef! All you all right? We were boarded,
but we've repelled all invaders.
(calling back to the
Everything is fine down here, lads!
Wait a minute, Reef! This girl and I may not
be blood enemies, but you still must choose
That's right, Captain Reef. You must choose!
Who do you love the best?
Why, that's easy! Best of all, I love high
Reef raises his sword and strikes a heroic pose.
On second thought, you can have him.
No, you can have him.
here to go to more
THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
© 2005 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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