THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!

"Captain Roderick Reef Returns!"

                                                               by Richard Nathan

 

Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:

                                                            VOICE
                                    Avast, me hearties!  Climb aboard the
                                    good ship Roving Finn, and raise the Jolly
                                    Roger!  'Tis time to set sail with bravest
                                    pirate ever to cruise the Spanish Main!  'Tis 
                                    time to join The Piratical Voyages of
                                    Captain Roderick Reef!!!

Lights come up on the Captain's Cabin on the good ship Roving Finn!  CAPTAIN RODERICK REEF is there, watching over JOAN HARDY, a female pirate, who lies week and unconscious.  Enter JUANITA LOPEZ, who is disguised as a cabin boy.  JUANITA brings in a bowl of chicken broth.

                                                            JUANITA
                                    Here's the broth, Captain Reef.  Do you
                                    think she'll live? 

Reef opens Joan's mouth  and pours in a bit of soup.  Joan wakes up and chokes on the soup.                                

                                                            JOAN
                                    Harr!  Are you trying to poison me, ye bilge
                                    rat?  Bring me some rum!

                                                            REEF
                                    I've been pouring rum down your throat for two
                                    days with no results, so I thought I'd try this
                                    chicken broth.

Joan recognizes the Captain.

                                                            JOAN
                                    Reef, is it?  Harr, I should have known it
                                    were you.  What happened to me? 

                                                            REEF
                                    You'll have to tell me, Joan.  The last I heard,
                                    you were sailing on the Vengeful Shark.  So imagine
                                    my surprise when I found you floating on a raft,
                                    unconscious, in the middle of the sea.

                                                            JOAN
                                    Aye, it comes back to me now.  It were
                                    Cap'n  Swiney who marooned me, when
                                    I called him Captain Pig. 

                                                            REEF
                                    I never did like Swiney.  It's men like him who
                                    give piracy a bad name.  I warned you not to
                                    sail with him.

                                                            JOAN
                                    I could not sail with you, Reef.  You're too
                                    tender hearted for my taste, though you be a
                                    devilish handsome lad!

                                                            JUANITA
                                    Are you going to finish that broth?

Joan notices Joan for the first time.

                                                            JOAN
                                    Who be the girl, Reef?   I thought I were the only
                                    woman in your life!

                                                            JUANITA
                                    What girl?  I don't see any girl!

                                                            JOAN
                                    I mean you, Missy!

                                                            REEF
                                    That's my cabin boy!

Juanita makes a lame attempt to sound like a bold, masculine pirate.

                                                            JUANITA
                                    That's right.  Everyone knows, I'm Juan, the cabin
                                    boy!  Just ask any of the men.  I'm just one of the
                                    guys.  Um... Harr.

Joan draws her sword.

                                                            JOAN
                                    You may fool men, Missy, but you can't fool me! 
                                    Tell the truth, or I'll run you through.

                                                            JUANITA
                                    All right!  I confess.  I am a girl. 

                                                            JOAN
                                    Then I'll run you through for taking my Reef.

                                                            REEF
                                    Come now, Joan.  There's no need to fight over me! 
                                    Juanita's just a friend.

                                                            JOAN
                                    Belay that, Reef, or I'll kill you too!   I always said 
                                    I'd kill any woman who came between us, and I
                                    always keeps me word!

Joan stands up and takes a dueling stance.

                                                            JUANITA
                                    Very well, foolish lady!  Although I am a girl, I have
                                    learned how to fence from the finest swordsmen in
                                    Spain.  En guarde!!!

Joan and Juanita fence!  And they exchange taunts as they fence:

                                                            JOAN
                                    Careful, or I'll slice you to ribbons!

                                                            JUANITA
                                    I won't stop at ribbons; I'll slice you into confetti! 
                                    Do people actually mistake you for a swordsman?.

                                                            JOAN
                                    No one has ever mistaken me for any sort of man! 
                                    Beware of my dancing blade!

                                                            JUANITA
                                    My blade doesn't dance.  It prefers to fight!

                                                            REEF
                                    Ladies, please!  Can't we talk this over?

Abruptly, the sounds of men cursing and fighting come from offstage!  Enter CAP'N SWINEY and two members of his pirate crew:  RATFACE and the FATGUT.

                                                            SWINEY
                                    Reef!  Har-har!  We meet again!

                                                            REEF
                                    Swiney, you dog!  What are you doing on
                                    my ship?

Reef and Swiney begin fencing.  Joan and Juanita stop their own match to look on. 

                                                            SWINEY
                                    Taking it away from you, Reef.  Taking is what
                                    a pirate does.  Your men should keep a better
                                    watch at night!  We boarded before they knew 
                                    what hit them!

Reef is doing well, but Ratface and Fatgut prepare to stab him from behind.

                                                            JOAN
                                    No!

                                                            JUANITA
                                    We'll save you!  

Joan starts fencing with Ratface and Juanita starts fencing with Fatgut.  At almost the same moment, Reef stabs Swiney, Joan stabs Ratface and Juanita stabs Fatgut.  All three of the villains fall down, apparently dead.

                                                            REEF
                                    Well done, ladies!  See what happens when we
                                    work together?

                                                            JOAN
                                    I'm not done with her yet!

Joan turns to fight again with Juanita.  Neither Joan nor Reef notices that Ratface isn't quite dead yet.  Ratface rises to his knees and prepares to stab Joan in the back.  But Juanita sees what is happening.

                                                            JUANITA
                                    Look out!

Juanita stabs Ratface, killing him.

                                                            JOAN
                                    You saved my life!  I cannot fight with you.

                                                            JUANITA
                                    And I no longer wish to fight with you.

The sounds of fighting off-stage have dwindled to silence.  A PIRATE calls to Reef from offstage.

                                                            PIRATE
                                                    (from off-stage)
                                    Cap'n Reef!  All you all right?  We were boarded,
                                    but we've repelled all invaders.

                                                            REEF
                                                    (calling back to the
                                                     off-stage pirate)
                                    Everything is fine down here, lads!

                                                            JOAN
                                    Wait a minute, Reef!  This girl and I may not
                                    be blood enemies, but you still must choose
                                    between us!

                                                            REEF
                                    That's right, Captain Reef.  You must choose! 
                                    Who do you love the best?

                                                            REEF
                                    Why, that's easy!  Best of all, I love high
                                    adventure!!!

Reef raises his sword and strikes a heroic pose.

                                                            JOAN
                                    On second thought, you can have him.

                                                            JUANITA
                                    No, you can have him.

BLACKOUT!

THE END

 

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2005 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.