PLAYHOUSE OF THE DAMNED

"New Year's Resolution Revolutions"

                                    by Richard Nathan 

The spotlight is up on our host, GUS THE GHOUL, while a chair is placed on the stage for the next story.  This one chair is all that is necessary.  Gus speaks to the audience.  He holds out a hangman's noose.

                                                            GUS
                                    I'm keeping this for January First, so I
                                    can use it to wish everyone a Happy Noose
                                    Year!  This noose is a perfect cure for a
                                    New Year's morning hang over.  Like when
                                    you feel so sick you have to run to the
                                    bathroom for a New Year's heave.  And
                                    speaking of feeling sick,  here's our next piece. 
                                    It's called "New Year's Resolution Revolutions."

Alternative:  If this piece is performed near New Year's Eve, the first line can be changed to "Happy Noose Year, everyone."

Gus exits.  Lights come up on a WOMAN seated in a chair.  She holds a purse or a bag on her lap.

                                                            WOMAN
                                    I hate hangovers.  To convey how much I hate
                                    hangovers, I would have to shout at the top of
                                    my lungs, “I hate hangovers,” – but if I shouted
                                    anything at the top of my lungs, my head would
                                    split in two.  Which might be worth it, if it would
                                    end this hangover.  There is only one thing worse
                                    than waking up with a hangover.  That is waking
                                    up with a husband who doesn’t have a hangover –
                                    a husband who slaps me on the butt and yells,
                                    “Wake up, honey!  It’s time to greet the brand
                                    new year!"  "What time is it?"  I ask.  "Five   
                                    A.M.," he shouts.  "We want to get a good
                                    start on the New Year, don't we?  The early
                                    bird gets the worm!"  I tell him I already got
                                    the worm - last night - in the tequila.  He just 
                                    laughs and says, "It's a glorious new day!  Guess
                                    what we're going to do first?"  "Commit suicide?" I
                                    ask hopefully.  "No, "he bellows.  "It's time to
                                    fill out our resolution scorecards!”  I say,
                                    “What resolution scorecards?”  And he replies,
                                    “The one where we see how well we kept 
                                    our New Year’s Resolutions from last year.”  I tell
                                    him resolution last year was not to make any 
                                    resolutions, and he says, “No, you made a whole
                                    list!  We both did!  I kept them right here in the 
                                    nightstand so we can see how we did.  And
                                    guess what?  We both got 100%.  Only I got
                                    100% success and you got 100% failure.  I
                                    guess you didn’t put your heart into yours.” 
                                    “Guess not,” I say.  “Will you please tell whoever
                                    is hitting my temples with hammers to stop?  My
                                    skull has been crushed into a fine powder so
                                    there's no point in hammering any more.”  And
                                    he says, “I always keep all my resolutions because 
                                    I always put my heart into them.”  “Please kill me
                                    now,” I reply.  "We need to make up our list of
                                    resolutions for this year!" he cries.  "What shall I put
                                    down for you?”  I say, “Recycle my last year’s list
                                    since I haven’t used them yet.”  He says, “Let’s see. 
                                    What did you put down as your number one resolution
                                    last year?  It says, ‘No more drinking.’”  “Yeah,” I
                                    tell him, “Let’s go with that one."  And he says,
                                    “That isn’t a bad resolution!  You could do it, if
                                    you'd just put your heart into it.  Think of how much
                                    better it would be to wake up like me, feeling fresh
                                    and alive, and looking forward to making this a great
                                    new year.”  I say, “I look forward to your leaving 
                                    me alone.”  And then he says, “You what I resolve? 
                                    I resolve to get up every single morning at 5:00 A.M.,
                                    and go out and run a mile.  And then come home and
                                    have a hot cup of green tea.  No more unhealthy coffee! 
                                    Then an ice cold shower!  Followed by a healthy meal 
                                    with no fat of any kind, and no sugar.  And no meat! 
                                    Only soy!  For all meals, not just breakfast!  And you
                                    know what else I resolve?  I resolve to make sure you do
                                    all of that with me!  And I’m going to do it – we both
                                    are!  And you know how I know?   Because I’m going
                                    to put my heart into it.  We both are.”   That's what he   
                                    said.  And I said, "You want to put your heart into it?"  
                                    Here’s his list of resolutions. 

She opens her bag and takes out a blood soaked piece of paper wrapped around a human heart.  She unwraps the paper, revealing the heart.

                                                                WOMAN
                                    We put his heart into it.

Blackout!  The woman exit.  GUS THE GHOUL enters.  A spotlight picks up Gus.

                                                            GUS
                                    You know what her husband should have done
                                    don't you?  Aorta left his wife alone!

(The pun is on "he oughta / aorta.")

 

THE END