THE ROOFERS

 

                                                                                        By Richard Nathan

 

 

A HOME-OWNER is interviewing two contractors who are making bids to repair his roof.  One contractor is GEORGE and the other is JOHN.  .

 

                                                        HOMEOWNER
                                    Thanks for coming by.  As you know, I'm soliciting
                                    bids for a new roof.  The roof I've got is falling apart,
                                    and I can't understand why!  It's only four years old.

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    That shouldn't happen in just four years.

 

                                                           GEORGE
                                    Hey, you callin' this man a liar?  I don't think he's
                                    gonna hire a roofer who calls him a liar!

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    I didn't call him a liar!  I just said his roof shouldn't
                                    fall apart after only four years.

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Maybe his neighbors have been engaging in acts of sabotage
                                    on his roof!  You ever think of that?

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    No. 

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Well, there's your problem!

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    You know, you look familiar.  Aren't you the guy
                                    who put on my roof four years ago?

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    I don't know.  Was your roof done by Western
                                    Cowboy Roofers?

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    Yes!

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Then it wasn't me.  I work for New Western Cowboy
                                    Roofers.  We're a completely different outfit.  Everything
                                    about our company is new.  We're so new, we haven't
                                    even put the word "new" on our new business cards yet!

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    I see.  Well, I'm prepared to offer the job to whichever of
                                    you make the best bid.  So what's it going to be?

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Before I make my bid, I'd like to ask a question.  Who are
                                    you votin' for for President?

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    I don't see how that's any of your business.  But if you must
                                    know, I'm voting for George W. Bush!

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Good choice!

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    Why are voting for him?

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    I don't know.  I just like him.

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    Do you like the way he's running the war on Iraq?

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    No.

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    Do you like the way he's handling the economy?

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    No, not really.

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    Do you approve his easing of environmental
                                    protections?

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    No, I don't like that.

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    Then why would you vote for him for President?

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    I don't know.  I just like him.  He seems like a good guy
                                    to watch a football game with. 

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Yeah!  And there's lots of other good reasons to vote for
                                    George Bush!.

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    Name one!

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    He shows confidence in himself!  He inspires confidence
                                    in others!  He's all about confidence!  He's George W.
                                    Bush, the confidence man!

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    You know, "confidence man" is actually a pejorative term.

 

                                                            GEORGE

                                    George W. Bush is not a pejorative!  He's a good Christian!

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    I just want to know how much each of you would charge me
                                    to fix my roof!

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    I'd need to do an inspection, find out what sort of materials you
                                    want for the roof...

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    I'll offer you my 50% discount for trusting customers.  If you don't
                                    ask me to guarantee a price before I do the job, I'll guarantee
                                    you fifty percent off!

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    A discount is meaningless if you won't specify the price!

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Oh yeah?  Can you guarantee a 50% discount?

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    What kind of materials do you recommend?

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    We offer asphalt, wood, tile and slate...

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    You don't want that!  I can give you a great bargain on
                                    asbestos!

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    Asbestos!!!

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Yeah.  I can get it really cheap because a lot of buildings are
                                    getting rid of it.  But did you know asbestos never burns!  If
                                    I build your roof of asbestos, it's guaranteed NEVER to catch
                                    fire!

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    But asbestos causes cancer!

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Says who?  A bunch of tree-hugging, anti-business liberals,
                                    that's who1  You think those liberals are going to be there

                                    to help you when your roof catches on fire?  Hey, you want
                                    to hear a great joke about liberals?  A liberal is someone who
                                    hasn't mugged you yet!

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    I believe that line is supposed to go "a liberal is someone who
                                    hasn't been mugged yet."

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    Been mugged, done the mugging...  It's all the same thing!  The
                                    point is, liberal haven't every had any real-life mugging
                                    experience.  You see, they all live under an ivory tower! 

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    I don't want to talk politics!  I just want to know what you'll
                                    charge me to fix my roof!

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    If you sign with me today, I'll offer you a special, magic,
                                    invisible force field, guaranteed to protect your house from
                                    death rays from outer space!

 

                                                            JOHN
                                    Depending upon the exact size of your roof, and the materials
                                    you want, I can give you a new roof for between four thousand and
                                    eight thousand dollars.

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    All right, I've heard enough.  I'm sorry, George.  You seem like a
                                    nice guy to pal around with, but I'm going to give the job to John
                                    here!

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    But I don't get it!  Don't you think I'd be more fun than this guy
                                    to watch a football game with.

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    Yes, I think you would.

 

                                                            GEORGE
                                    But didn't you just say you were going to vote for George Bush
                                    for President because he'd be a good guy to watch a
                                    football game with?

 

                                                            HOMEOWNER
                                    Well, yeah, , sure, but that's for picking a President!  Picking a 
                                    roofer is serious business!!!.

 

BLACKOUT!

 

 

THE END

2004 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.

 

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