THE ROOFERS
By Richard Nathan
A HOME-OWNER is interviewing two contractors who are making bids to repair his roof. One contractor is GEORGE and the other is JOHN. .
HOMEOWNER
Thanks for coming by. As you know, I'm soliciting
bids for a new roof. The roof I've got is falling apart,
and I can't understand why! It's only four years old.
JOHN
That shouldn't happen in just four years.
GEORGE
Hey, you callin' this man a liar? I don't think he's
gonna hire a roofer who calls him a liar!
JOHN
I didn't call him a liar! I just said his roof shouldn't
fall apart after only four years.
GEORGE
Maybe his neighbors have been engaging in acts of sabotage
on his roof! You ever think of that?
JOHN
No.
GEORGE
Well, there's your problem!
HOMEOWNER
You know, you look familiar. Aren't you the guy
who put on my roof four years ago?
GEORGE
I don't know. Was your roof done by Western
Cowboy Roofers?
HOMEOWNER
Yes!
GEORGE
Then it wasn't me. I work for New Western Cowboy
Roofers. We're a completely different outfit. Everything
about our company is new. We're so new, we haven't
even put the word "new" on our new business cards yet!
HOMEOWNER
I see. Well, I'm prepared to offer the job to whichever of
you make the best bid. So what's it going to be?
GEORGE
Before I make my bid, I'd like to ask a question. Who are
you votin' for for President?
HOMEOWNER
I don't see how that's any of your business. But if you must
know, I'm voting for George W. Bush!
GEORGE
Good choice!
JOHN
Why are voting for him?
HOMEOWNER
I don't know. I just like him.
JOHN
Do you like the way he's running the war on Iraq?
HOMEOWNER
No.
JOHN
Do you like the way he's handling the economy?
HOMEOWNER
No, not really.
JOHN
Do you approve his easing of environmental
protections?
HOMEOWNER
No, I don't like that.
JOHN
Then why would you vote for him for President?
HOMEOWNER
I don't know. I just like him. He seems like a good guy
to watch a football game with.
GEORGE
Yeah! And there's lots of other good reasons to vote for
George Bush!.
JOHN
Name one!
GEORGE
He shows confidence in himself! He inspires confidence
in others! He's all about confidence! He's George W.
Bush, the confidence man!
JOHN
You know, "confidence man" is actually a pejorative term.
GEORGE
George W. Bush is not a pejorative! He's a good Christian!
HOMEOWNER
I just want to know how much each of you would charge me
to fix my roof!
JOHN
I'd need to do an inspection, find out what sort of materials you
want for the roof...
GEORGE
I'll offer you my 50% discount for trusting customers. If you don't
ask me to guarantee a price before I do the job, I'll guarantee
you fifty percent off!
JOHN
A discount is meaningless if you won't specify the price!
GEORGE
Oh yeah? Can you guarantee a 50% discount?
HOMEOWNER
What kind of materials do you recommend?
JOHN
We offer asphalt, wood, tile and slate...
GEORGE
You don't want that! I can give you a great bargain on
asbestos!
JOHN
Asbestos!!!
GEORGE
Yeah. I can get it really cheap because a lot of buildings are
getting rid of it. But did you know asbestos never burns! If
I build your roof of asbestos, it's guaranteed NEVER to catch
fire!
JOHN
But asbestos causes cancer!
GEORGE
Says who? A bunch of tree-hugging, anti-business liberals,
that's who1 You think those liberals are going to be there
to help you when your roof catches on fire? Hey, you want
to hear a great joke about liberals? A liberal is someone who
hasn't mugged you yet!
JOHN
I believe that line is supposed to go "a liberal is someone who
hasn't been mugged yet."
GEORGE
Been mugged, done the mugging... It's all the same thing! The
point is, liberal haven't every had any real-life mugging
experience. You see, they all live under an ivory tower!
HOMEOWNER
I don't want to talk politics! I just want to know what you'll
charge me to fix my roof!
GEORGE
If you sign with me today, I'll offer you a special, magic,
invisible force field, guaranteed to protect your house from
death rays from outer space!
JOHN
Depending upon the exact size of your roof, and the materials
you want, I can give you a new roof for between four thousand and
eight thousand dollars.
HOMEOWNER
All right, I've heard enough. I'm sorry, George. You seem like a
nice guy to pal around with, but I'm going to give the job to John
here!
GEORGE
But I don't get it! Don't you think I'd be more fun than this guy
to watch a football game with.
HOMEOWNER
Yes, I think you would.
GEORGE
But didn't you just say you were going to vote for George Bush
for President because he'd be a good guy to watch a
football game with?
HOMEOWNER
Well, yeah, , sure, but that's for picking a President! Picking a
roofer is serious business!!!.
BLACKOUT!
THE END
© 2004 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
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