PLAYHOUSE OF THE DAMNED

"Holy Smoke"

                                                               by Richard Nathan

 

The spotlight is up on our host, GUS THE GHOUL, while the set for the next story is prepared.  The stage represents the living room of a small apartment.  A table has a small glass vial on it.  Gus addresses the audience.  

                                                            GUS
                                    This next piece reminds me of my cat, Mister
                                    Crescendo.  He's a black cat and it's very
                                    unlucky to cross his path, especially if he's hungry. 
                                    He's a 300 pound panther.  One night I brought 
   
                                 him to the Playhouse, and he ate three people  
                                    in the front row.  I was angry.  Not because 
                                    he killed the customers; after all, they'd already  
                                    paid for their tickets.  But it took us three weeks 
                                    to get the bloodstains out of the seats!  Our 
                                    next story is about a cat.  It's not a panther, but
                                    it is bad luck.  The story is called "Holy Smoke."

Gus exits.  The spotlight comes up on RICHARD, a young man.  He spots the glass vial and takes off the cap and sniffs it.  

                                                            RICHARD
                                    This perfume doesn't have any smell.

His girl friend DEBBIE answers him from off stage.

                                                            DEBBIE
                                    What perfume?

                                                            RICHARD
                                    In the glass vial.

DEBBIE enters and takes the vial away from him.

                                                            DEBBIE
                                    That's not perfume!  That's holy water!  
                                    It's a souvenir from Saint Peter's Basilica!

                                                            RICHARD
                                    Really?  Cool!  Can I throw some on Miss
                                    Sonata?

                                                                DEBBIE
                                    No, you can't throw some on Miss Sonata!

                                                                RICHARD
                                    Oh come on, please!  Just a little?

                                                                DEBBIE
                                    No!  This my souvenir from my trip to Rome!
                                    Anyway, why would you want to throw it
                                    on Miss Sonata?

                                                                RICHARD
                                    To see if it would make her burn up, like 
                                    a demon cat from hell!!!

                                                                DEBBIE
                                    Miss Sonata isn't a demon from hell.  She's a 
                                    sweet kitty!

                                                            RICHARD
                                    With the longest vampire fangs I've ever seen.  
                                    And she always hisses at me.

                                                            DEBBIE
                                    Sometimes I don't blame her.

                                                            RICHARD
                                    Come on.  If she's not a demon cat from hell,
                                    you have nothing to worry about.  

                                                            DEBBIE
                                    Except for the fact my boyfriend's insane.

                                                            RICHARD 
                                    Holy water!  This could be so great!  Imagine 
                                    throwing holy water on Miss Sonata, and 
                                    she bursts into flame....  Rhaaaaaa!!!

Richard imitates throwing holy water on a cat, and then imitates the cat catching on fire!

                                                            DEBBIE
                                    Why do I put up with you??

                                                            RICHARD
                                    Because I'll take you to your favorite 
                                    restaurant if you'll let me put two drops of 
                                    holy water on her.

                                                            DEBBIE
                                    I don't want you scaring her.

                                                            RICHARD
                                    Okay, I won't throw it on her.  I'll just put a
                                    couple of drops on my hand, and then I'll 
                                    pet her.  Please.

                                                            DEBBIE
                                    Aren't you worried she won't come near you
                                    while you have the holy water.

                                                            RICHARD
                                    Ahh.  She probably doesn't even realize she's
                                    a demon.  She won't know she's in danger 
                                    until she starts to smoke.  She's not very 
                                    bright.

                                                            DEBBIE
                                    Okay, I'll go get her.  But I warn you, I'm ordering
                                    lobster.

Debbie hands Richard the vial and exits.  Richard, grinning from hear to ear, opens the vial of holy water.  He puts a few drops on his hands.  His hands start to smoke.  He screams in pain and runs from the room.  As he leaves the stage, there's a blinding flash, as the holy water destroys him.  (You should be able to find the necessary elements for the smoke and the flash at any good magic shop.  Or, if you need to buy these products on-line for the smoke, do a Google search for MYSTIC SMOKE" and for the flash do a Google search for FLASH POT. )   Debbie hurries on stage to investigate.

                                                            DEBBIE
                                    Richard?

She looks offstage and views his charred remains.

                                                            DEBBIE
                                    Ewww.  I've got to be more careful about choosing
                                    my boyfriends.

Blackout!  Debbie exits.  A moment later the spotlight comes up on GUS THE GHOUL.  

                                                            GUS
                                    Richard didn't realize he was a demon,
                                    until it was too late, when all his plans 
                                    went up in smoke...  holy smoke!  I'll bet
                                    he's all burned up about this.

 

THE END

 

 


Click here to see a picture of
SONATA,
The Demon Kitty From Hell

 

Click here to go to another PLAYHOUSE OF THE DAMNED story

2000 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.