THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
"Throckmorton Kane, American Spy, And The Secret of Santa Claus!"
by Richard Nathan
Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:
He works for an intelligence agency so
secret that it has no name. Those few
who know him, know him as Throckmorton
Kane, American Spy!!!
Lights come up on an empty room of the Ukranistanian Embassy in London. The beautiful British secret agent FIGGIE PUDDING is alone in the room. Enter stealthily THROCKMORTON KANE in a Santa Claus suit. He carries a sack full of Christmas gifts.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Goodness! You startled me. Shouldn't
you be downstairs at the party?
Shouldn't you? Do you think it's nice of
you to be prowling around in someone
You're Father Christmas. Don't you already
know if I'm naughty or nice?
Yes. You are Figgie Pudding, an agent of MI-6.
You're nice. Very nice.
Figgie draws a gun and aims it at Kane.
And who are you?
The name is Claus. Santa Claus.
Who are you with?
I work for an agency so secret, it has no
Yes, I've heard of that. Everyone calls it the
Agency So Secret, It's Name Is Non-Existent,
which seems to defeat the purpose of it having
no name, doesn't it? People are going to call it
something. Why not just call it...
We don't have time for nomenclature! We
share a common goal!
Kill the Nutcracker!
There are only two things known about the
Nutcracker - He is the most successful
professional assassin in the world today,
and he has a prosthetic nutcracker where
his right hand used to be.
There is a third thing. He will be here at
the Embassy Christmas party, to kill the
Ambassador of Ukranistan!
But why the Santa suit?
Can you think of a better way to infiltrate a
Christmas party. I'm going to go search the
rest of the Embassy.
Why should I trust you?
You shouldn't! Trust no one! Especially not
anyone with a nutcracker where his right hand
used to be!
Exit Kane. Figgie makes a call on her cell phone.
(into her cell phone)
This is Agent Pudding. I've had a report that
an assassination will be tempted by the Nutcracker
Enter the NUTCRACKER dressed in a Santa Claus outfit. The head of a nutcracker pokes out of his right sleeve (the kind of nutcracker associated with the Tchaikovsky ballet).
(into her cell phone)
Yes. I understand orders are to shoot on sight.
She hands up her cell phone and puts it away. She spots the man in the Santa suit and assumes it is the man she was talking to a moment ago.
Back so soon?
The Nutcracker turns on her, and raises his arm to hit her. She SCREAMS. The Nutcracker hits her on the head with this prosthetic nutcracker, knocking her unconscious.
Enter Throckmorton Kane. He drops his bag of gifts near where Figgie lies unconscious.
The two Santas have a fist fight. Kane draws his gun, but before he can shoot, the Nutcracker squeezes Kane's wrist (using the nutcracker head), making him drop his gun. The Nutcracker squeezes Kane's other wrist. During the fight, Figgie Pudding slowly regains consciousness, but she's still very groggy.
I believe I have just fractured both your wrists.
Even if you could hold your gun, you could not aim
it. I guess this gives me the upper hand.
You've been a bad boy, Nutcracker. Santa
doesn't like bad boys.
Kane sees that Figgie is conscious.
Figgie! The bag!!!
Figgie throws Kane the bag. Kane takes out a rifle or a shotgun or a machine gun (depending on what kind of prop you can find).
You don't need to aim with an AK-47!
(Change the line depending on what kind of prop you can get.)
Kane shoots the Nutcracker dead. Figgie runs to Kane.
Thanks. You get anything you want for
How did you know my name?
I may not know the name of the Agency So
Secret It's Name Is Not Existent, but every
agent in MI-6 knows the name of Throckmorton
Kane, American Spy!
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THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
© 2006 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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