THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!

"Throckmorton Kane, American Spy, And The Secret of Santa Claus!"

                                                               by Richard Nathan

 

Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:

                                                            VOICE
                                    He works for an intelligence agency so
                                    secret that it has no name.  Those few
                                    who know him, know him as Throckmorton
                                    Kane, American Spy!!!

Lights come up on an empty room of the Ukranistanian Embassy in London.  The beautiful British secret agent FIGGIE PUDDING is alone in the room.  Enter stealthily THROCKMORTON KANE in a Santa Claus suit.  He carries a sack full of Christmas gifts.

                                                            KANE
                                    Ho!  Ho!  Ho! 

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    Goodness!  You startled me.  Shouldn't
                                    you be downstairs at the party?

                                                            KANE
                                    Shouldn't you?   Do you think it's nice of
                                    you to be prowling around in someone
                                    else's embassy?

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    You're Father Christmas.  Don't you already
                                    know if I'm naughty or nice?

                                                            KANE
                                    Yes.  You are Figgie Pudding, an agent of MI-6. 
                                    You're nice.  Very nice.

Figgie draws a gun and aims it at Kane.

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    And who are you?

                                                            KANE
                                    The name is Claus.  Santa Claus.

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    Who are you with?

                                                            KANE
                                    The Americans?

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    CIA?

                                                            KANE
                                    I work for an agency so secret, it has no
                                    name.

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    Yes, I've heard of that.  Everyone calls it the
                                    Agency So Secret, It's Name Is Non-Existent,
                                    which seems to defeat the purpose of it having 
                                    no name, doesn't it?  People are going to call it
                                    something.  Why not just call it...

                                                            KANE
                                    We don't have time for nomenclature!  We
                                    share a common goal!

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    Which is?

                                                            KANE
                                    Kill the Nutcracker!

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    There are only two things known about the
                                    Nutcracker - He is the most successful
                                    professional assassin in the world today,
                                    and he has a prosthetic nutcracker where
                                    his right hand used to be.

                                                            KANE
                                    There is a third thing.  He will be here at
                                    the Embassy Christmas party, to kill the
                                    Ambassador of Ukranistan!

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    But why the Santa suit?

                                                            KANE
                                    Can you think of a better way to infiltrate a
                                    Christmas party.  I'm going to go search the
                                    rest of the Embassy.

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    Why should I trust you?

                                                            KANE
                                    You shouldn't!  Trust no one!  Especially not
                                    anyone with a nutcracker where his right hand
                                    used to be!

Exit Kane.  Figgie makes a call on her cell phone.

                                                            FIGGIE
                                                    (into her cell phone)
                                    This is Agent Pudding.  I've had a report that
                                    an assassination will be tempted by the Nutcracker
                                    tonight.

Enter the NUTCRACKER dressed in a Santa Claus outfit.  The head of a nutcracker pokes out of his right sleeve (the kind of nutcracker associated with the Tchaikovsky ballet). 

                                                            FIGGIE
                                                    (into her cell phone)
                                    Yes.  I understand orders are to shoot on sight.

She hands up her cell phone and puts it away.  She spots the man in the Santa suit and assumes it is the man she was talking to a moment ago.

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    Back so soon?

The Nutcracker turns on her, and raises his arm to hit her.  She SCREAMS.  The Nutcracker hits her on the head with this prosthetic nutcracker, knocking her unconscious.

Enter Throckmorton Kane.  He drops his bag of gifts near where Figgie lies unconscious.

The two Santas have a fist fight.  Kane draws his gun, but before he can shoot, the Nutcracker squeezes Kane's wrist (using the nutcracker head), making him drop his gun.  The Nutcracker squeezes Kane's other wrist.   During the fight, Figgie Pudding slowly regains consciousness, but she's still very groggy.

                                                            NUTCRACKER
                                    I believe I have just fractured both your wrists. 
                                    Even if you could hold your gun, you could not aim
                                    it.  I guess this gives me the upper hand.

                                                            KANE
                                    You've been a bad boy, Nutcracker.  Santa
                                    doesn't like bad boys.

Kane sees that Figgie is conscious.

                                                            KANE
                                    Figgie!  The bag!!!

Figgie throws Kane the bag.  Kane takes out a rifle or a shotgun or a machine gun (depending on what kind of prop you can find).

                                                            KANE
                                    You don't need to aim with an AK-47!

(Change the line depending on what kind of prop you can get.)

Kane shoots the Nutcracker dead.  Figgie runs to Kane.

                                                            KANE
                                    Thanks.  You get anything you want for
                                    Christmas.

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    Anything, Throckmorton?

                                                            KANE
                                    How did you know my name?

                                                            FIGGIE
                                    I may not know the name of the Agency So
                                    Secret It's Name Is Not Existent, but every
                                    agent in MI-6 knows the name of Throckmorton
                                    Kane, American Spy!

BLACKOUT!

 

THE END

 

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2006 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.