VEGETATIVE STATE DEPARTMENT
By Richard Nathan
GEORGE W. BUSH speaks to the nation.
BUSH
My fellow Republicans, as you may have heard,
some folks are still complainin' that there's not
enough compassion in my conservatism. You're
probably wonderin' what they are talkin' about. I
can't tell you. Haven't I reached out to everyone,
to lift the crushing burden of social security out of
pockets, and turn it over to Wall Street? But as the
sayin' goes, you can't give a silk purse to a soused deer.
Still, just to show I'm willin' to go that extra mile, I've
decided to appoint a compassion czar, to discuss with
me the needs of the oppressed, of those who need protectin',
of the helpless. And who better than to represent the
oppressed, the in-need-of-protectin' and the oppressed
than the woman of the hour - Terri Schiavo! Wheel
her in here, boys.
A couple of Bush's AIDES wheel in TERRI SCHIAVO. She lies comatose in a hospital gurney.
BUSH
Hi there, Terri! My brother Jeb and I have
saved your life twice, right? You must think
we're pretty darn compassionate, right?
Terri doesn't respond. Bush turns to his aids.
BUSH
How come she's not respondin'?
AN AIDE
Sometimes you have to push on her stomach.
BUSH
Say, Terri, you think I'm pretty compassionate,
don't you?
Bush pushes on Terri's stomach. She makes a sort of moaning noise.
TERRI
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
BUSH
Sounds like "yes" to me! Okay, Terri, what about
all those terrorists at Guantanamo Bay and Abu
Ghraib, who want to destroy our country? Some
people say I shouldn't be shippin' these terrorists
to other countries for questionin', countries where they
might not be so concerned with the rights of terrorists!
What about you,
Terri? You think I'm bein' too mean?
Bush pushes on Terri's stomach. She makes a sort of moaning noise.
TERRI
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
BUSH
Sounds like "no" to me. Okay, Terri, what about
all those poor people whose Medicaid I'm reducin'
so we can afford the tax cuts and the war on Iraq?
You think I should worry about welfare for these
deadbeats, instead of taxes that are too high, and
spreadin' Democracy all over the globe?
Bush pushes on Terri's stomach. She makes a sort of moaning noise.
TERRI
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
BUSH
Sounds like another "no" to me. Here's another
one. Some people say I was wrong to execute so
many killers when I was governor of Texas. What
about you, Terri. You think I should go soft just
cause someone's claims there's proof a convict is
reformed or retarded or innocent?
Bush pushes on Terri's stomach. She makes a sort of moaning noise.
TERRI
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
BUSH
There you have it folks, in Terri's own words. Don't you
think I'm the most compassionate president ever?
Bush pushes on Terri's stomach again.
TERRI
You're an asshole.
Bush is shocked.
BUSH
Get this bitch out of my White House!
THE END
© 2005 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
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