VEGETATIVE STATE DEPARTMENT

                                                                                        By Richard Nathan

 

GEORGE W. BUSH speaks to the nation.

                                                            BUSH
                                    My fellow Republicans, as you may have heard,
                                    some folks are still complainin' that there's not
                                    enough compassion in my conservatism.  You're
                                    probably wonderin' what they are talkin' about.  I
                                    can't tell you.  Haven't I reached out to everyone,
                                    to lift the crushing burden of social security out of
                                    pockets, and turn it over to Wall Street?  But as the
                                    sayin' goes, you can't give a silk purse to a soused deer. 
                                    Still, just to show I'm willin' to go that extra mile, I've
                                    decided to appoint a compassion czar, to discuss with
                                    me the needs of the oppressed, of those who need protectin', 
                                    of the helpless.  And who better than to represent the
                                    oppressed, the in-need-of-protectin' and the oppressed
                                    than the woman of the hour - Terri Schiavo!  Wheel
                                    her in here, boys.

A couple of Bush's AIDES wheel in TERRI SCHIAVO.  She lies comatose in a hospital gurney.

                                                            BUSH
                                    Hi there, Terri!  My brother Jeb and I have
                                    saved your life twice, right?  You must think
                                    we're pretty darn compassionate, right?

Terri doesn't respond.  Bush turns to his aids.

                                                            BUSH
                                    How come she's not respondin'?

                                                            AN AIDE
                                    Sometimes you have to push on her stomach.

                                                            BUSH
                                    Say, Terri, you think I'm pretty compassionate,
                                    don't you?

Bush pushes on Terri's stomach.  She makes a sort of moaning noise.

                                                            TERRI
                                    Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

                                                            BUSH
                                    Sounds like "yes" to me!  Okay, Terri, what about
                                    all those terrorists at Guantanamo Bay and Abu
                                    Ghraib, who want to destroy our country?   Some
                                    people say I shouldn't be shippin' these terrorists
                                    to other countries for questionin', countries where they
                                    might not be so concerned with the rights of terrorists! 
                                    What about you, Terri?  You think I'm bein' too mean?

Bush pushes on Terri's stomach.  She makes a sort of moaning noise.

                                                            TERRI
                                    Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

                                                            BUSH
                                    Sounds like "no" to me.  Okay, Terri, what about
                                    all those poor people whose Medicaid I'm reducin'
                                    so we can afford the tax cuts and the war on Iraq? 
                                    You think I should worry about welfare for these
                                    deadbeats, instead of taxes that are too high, and
                                    spreadin' Democracy all over the globe? 

Bush pushes on Terri's stomach.  She makes a sort of moaning noise.

                                                            TERRI
                                    Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

                                                            BUSH
                                    Sounds like another "no" to me.  Here's another
                                    one.  Some people say I was wrong to execute so
                                    many killers when I was governor of Texas.  What
                                    about you, Terri.  You think I should go soft just
                                    cause someone's claims there's proof a convict is
                                    reformed or retarded or innocent? 

 Bush pushes on Terri's stomach.  She makes a sort of moaning noise.

                                                            TERRI
                                    Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

                                                            BUSH
                                    There you have it folks, in Terri's own words.  Don't you
                                    think I'm the most compassionate president ever?

Bush pushes on Terri's stomach again.

                                                        TERRI
                                    You're an asshole.

Bush is shocked.

                                                        BUSH
                                    Get this bitch out of my White House!


        THE END

2005 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.

 

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