FICTION BLAST-OFF THEATER
by Richard Nathan
Before the lights come up, a voice announces the title of the story:
Lights come up on the bridge of a space craft. Present are CAPTAIN CARTER, and two members of his crew, DIAMOND and MOORE. CARTER is speaking into a communications device.
This is Captain Carter of the ESV Einstein.
Our situation is desperate. We only have a
few hours of life support left. Our engines
and our navigation have failed. We've
dropped out of hyperspace and have no
idea where we are. If you receive this,
He turns off the device.
Doesn't look good, does it?
Never looks good. Life is hard, and it's over
Hey, you know what day this is?
It's the day we're all going to die!
No, I mean back on Earth. It's Christmas Day,
Well, at least I don't have to worry about
someone giving me a fruit cake.
From off stage comes the sound of a tremendous pounding, as though something were hammering on the outside of the ship.
We're in the middle of space!
There can't be anything out there!
Could be a rescue ship! Open the
Moore turns some dials on a control panel.
Outer lock open.... outer lock closed...
Injecting atmosphere...Interior lock
Enter SANTA CLAUS with a huge bag of gifts.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!
I'm sorry I couldn't get here sooner,
but Christmas is a busy day for me.
Bobby Moore, I have something in
here I know you'd like A shiny new
quantifreebostat! It's just what you need
to repair your engine!
Santa takes a large, strange looking gizmo out of his sack.
Captain, he's right. This will fix the
Moore runs off to fix the engines.
Terry Diamond, I haven't forgotten you.
Here's the Vaxotran you need to fix
your navigation equipment!
Santa takes another strange device out of his sack.
I don't believe this. This is exactly
what we need to find our way
home. I'll go install it right now.
Who the hell are you?
Don't you recognize me, Captain? I'm
No. I mean who are you really?
You'd really like to know, wouldn't you?
It would make you happy to know.
I don't know about "happy." You're
an alien, aren't you?
Let's just say I live to make people happy.
Let's just say you're lying through your teeth.
No, I'm telling the truth. I'm a
symbiont. I'm made of energy, and I
travel through the universe, spreading
happiness, and I feed on the feelings
of joy I create. That happy energy is
what keeps me alive.
I don't believe you.
Nevertheless, it's true!
I've been from one end of the galaxy to
the other, and I've never seen anything
as nice as you claim to be. Life is hard,
and the only way to survive is to be
always ready for the worst.
Captain, tell me what gift I can give you to
make you happy.
Why don't you give me a cryzo-gun.
Santa reaches into his bag of gifts and takes out a ray gun which he gives to the Captain.
Merry Christmas, Captain.
The Captain points the gun at Santa.
Now perhaps you wouldn't mind telling
me how you knew exactly what was
wrong with our equipment? Could it
be that you caused the malfunctions in the
Santa turns sinister.
Captain, you asked for a cryzo-gun.
You didn't ask for the ammunition you
need to operate it.
That's all right. I already have the
Carter slaps an ammo clip onto his ray gun. Santa digs into his sack for another ray gun, but before Santa can fire, Carter shoots. Santa falls dead. A moment later, Diamond and Moore enter.
I checked my list, and found out he'd been
naughty. I'm not sure exactly what he was
up to, but it's over now. I think this calls
for a drink.
Captain Carter exits. As soon as he's gone, Santa sits up. He's fine.
Don't be sad. I'm perfectly fine!
I gave the Captain what he wanted most in
the world - validation of his view of life. It's
not what most people would choose for a
Christmas present, but it's what he wanted.
You will keep my survival our little secret,
won't you? I wouldn't want to spoil his
Santa starts to exit.
Where are you going?
Back to the airlock. There are a lot more
beings in the universe for me to make happy.
You really are Santa Claus, aren't you?
Merry Christmas, Terry Diamond.
here to go to more
SCIENCE FICTION BLAST-OFF THEATER
science fiction scripts
© 2002 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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