THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!

"The Return of Zargotz the Strong
and Floop the Clever
in the Age of Wizardry!"

                                                               by Richard Nathan

 

Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:

                                                            VOICE
                                    Come sit by the feet of the old bard, as he
                                    tells tales of a time when giants roamed the world,
                                    when dragons breathed white hot fire and
                                    wizards cast spells of arcane magic, stories of
                                    Zargotz the Strong and Floop the Clever in the
                                    Age of Wizardry! 

A light comes up come up on a BARD who will narrate the story. 

                                                            BARD
                                    Many are the tales of heroes who
                                    strode the Earth in days gone by, but
                                    none stir my heart as do the tales
                                    Zargotz the strong.  He was a veritable
                                    colossus, a mountain of a man.  Compared
                                    with him, the peoples of the earth today
                                    are puny mice.

A light comes up on the other side of the stage, where stand ZARGOTZ the Strong and his companion FLOOP the clever.  Zargotz look appropriately heroic.  Floop looks ticked off.  Floop clears his throat.  As an afterthought, the Bard remembers to mention our other hero.

                                                            BARD
                                    And speaking of puny mice, I should perhaps
                                    mention that this tale also features Zargotz's loyal
                                    companion, Floop the Clever.

The Bard exits.  COUNT PINDAR, a nobleman, enters and gives a bag of coins to Floop.

                                                            COUNT PINDAR
                                    Here is your advance payment.  But how do I
                                    know that when you find the Jewel of the
                                    Anzula, you won't sell to a higher bidder!

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    By the great god Farquog, what do you take us
                                    for?  We are honest men!

                                                            FLOOP
                                    No.  We're thieves, Zargotz!  He's hiring us because
                                    we're thieves!

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    But we are honest thieves!

                                                            COUNT PINDAR
                                    Will you swear on your mother's life that you 
                                    will do your best to find the Jewel of Anzula
                                    and bring it to me?

Before Floop can stop him, Zargotz puts up his hand and swears:

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    I swear!

Enter a GUARD and Zargotz's MOTHER.  The guard has a sword against the Mother's neck.

                                                            MOTHER
                                    Zargotz, you idiot!

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    Mom!!!

Zargotz starts to draw his sword, but the guard threatens to behead Zargotz's mother.  Floop puts his hand up to stop Zargotz.

                                                            COUNT PINDAR
                                    You won't mind then if I keep your mother with me
                                    until you bring me the Jewel.

The Guard takes the Mother back off stage.

                                                            FLOOP
                                    Tell us about this Jewel of Anzula.

                                                            COUNT PINDAR
                                    I hunger for her!  She is the most beautiful woman
                                    my eyes have ever beheld! 

                                                            FLOOP
                                    Woman!

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    We do not steal people.

                                                            COUNT PINDAR
                                    You will now, if you value your mother's life!  The
                                    Jewel of Anzula is a novice at the Temple of
                                    Virgins.

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    Novice.

                                                            FLOOP
                                    Yeah.  It means someone who is inexperienced.

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    An inexperienced virgin!

                                                            FLOOP
                                    That's the best kind.

                                                            COUNT PINDAR
                                    Get me the Jewel of Anzula or Zargotz's mother
                                    will die!   So says Count Pindar!

Count Pindar exits. 

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    By the great god Farquog, we can't steal a woman. 
                                    Can we?

                                                            FLOOP
                                    We'll think of something.  Let's talk to this Jewel. 
                                    Maybe she's tired of being a virgin.

Floop and Zargotz exit as the Bard enters.

                                                            BARD
                                    And so Zargotz the Strong went the Temple of
                                    Virgins, accompanied by his companion Floop.

The Bard exits.  Enter Zargotz and Floor from one side of the stage, and from the other side MABEL, High Priestess of the Spider-God Anzula.  Mabel looks much more like a harlot than a virgin.

                                                            MABEL
                                    Can I help you?

                                                            FLOOP
                                    We seem to have lost our way.  We were
                                    looking for the Temple of Virgins.

                                                            MABEL
                                    You found it.  I'm Mabel, the High Priestess.

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    By the great god Farquog, can it be that you
                                    are...  that you... are...

                                                            MABEL
                                    A virgin?  I'm what we call a Vestigial Virgin.

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    Vestal?

                                                            FLOOP
                                    Vestigial!  It means, a trace remaining of something
                                    that once existed, but now is pretty much gone.

                                                            MABEL
                                    You got it!

                                                            FLOOP
                                    Are all your virgins vestigial?

                                                            MABEL
                                    All but one.  We always have one true virgin, who is
                                    serves as daughter of Anzula the Spider-God, until
                                    she mates, and becomes another Vestigial Virgin.  Then
                                    we bring in another true virgin. 

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    Your current true virgin, we would speak with her?

                                                            MABEL
                                    You can do more than speak.  It's time for her to
                                    join the Vestigials, if you know what I mean, so
                                    if you'd like to take part in the ceremony, you're
                                    welcome to....

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    By the great god, Farquog!

                                                            FLOOP
                                    Hold on, Zargotz.  Think of your mother!

Zargotz looks sickened.

                                                            MABEL
                                    Our virgin is very attractive.  Some call her the 
                                    Jewel of Anzula.

Mabel shouts off-stage.

                                                            MABEL
                                    Hey, Jewel!  Come here!

The JEWEL of Anzula enters.

                                                            FLOOP 
                                    Mabel, forgive me for being suspicious, but
                                    I wouldn't think finding men for this particular
                                    ceremony would be difficult.  The fact that you
                                    would ask a stranger leads me to suspect there 
                                    might be an unpleasant aspect to this service.

                                                            MABEL
                                    Don't you trust me?

                                                            FLOOP
                                    No.  But maybe if I assure you we'll find a
                                    mate for the Jewel, and if I make this small
                                    contribution to your temple...

Floop shows Mabel the bag of coins that Count Pindar gave Floop at the beginning of the story.  Mabel grabs it.

                                                            MABEL
                                    Thanks for the offering.  I guess I forgot to 
                                    mention that when daughters of the Spider-
                                    God mate, we take on a characteristic of some 
                                    spiders.  We devour the male. 

                                                            FLOOP
                                    Holy rat puke!

                                                            MABEL
                                    It is a small price to pay for the blessing of the
                                    Anzula, the Spider God.  Now I think you
                                    promised a mate for the Jewel?

                                                            FLOOP
                                    We know a nobleman in the city who hungers for
                                    her.

                                                            MABEL
                                    Not half as much as she hungers for him.  Take her
                                    with you, and bring her back when you're done.

Mabel exits. 

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    By the great god Farquog, are we really going to....

                                                            FLOOP
                                    Of course we are, Zargotz.  We gave him our word! 
                                    Come with us, Jewel.  We're taking you to dinner.

Zargotz, Floop and the Jewel exit as the Bard enters.

                                                            BARD
                                    And so Zargotz and Floop brought the Jewel of
                                    of Anzula back to the castle of Count Pindar. 

On the other side of the stage, Zargotz Floop and the Jewel enter.  A beat later, Count Pindar enters.  The Count gazes eagerly at the Jewel.  The Count gives Floop another bag of coins and gestures to someone off-stage.  The guard brings in Zargotz's mother and hands her to Zargotz.  Then the Count leads the Jewel off-stage.

                                                            BARD
                                    The Count rewarded Floop with gold coins and
                                    Zargotz with the return of his mother.  Then took he
                                    the Jewel of Anzula to his bed.  But soon his cries 
                                    of lust turned into screams of terror as the Jewel
                                    transformed into a thing of unspeakable horror! 

From off-stage comes the SCREAM of the Count.

                                                            BARD
                                    After she had dined, she turned back to the lovely
                                    young woman known as the Jewel of Anzula.

The Jewel enters, delicately wiping her mouth with a napkin.

                                                            JEWEL
                                    May we walk back to the temple now?  I
                                    always like to take a long walk after a heavy
                                    meal.

                                                            ZARGOTZ
                                    May the great god Farquog forgive us all.

                                                            MOTHER
                                    Zargotz, you're an idiot.

                                                            BARD
                                    Thus concludes the stirring adventure of
                                    Zargotz the Strong and the Jewel of Anzula.

Floop clears his throat.

                                                            BARD
                                    Also featuring Floop the clever.

BLACKOUT!

THE END

 

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2005 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.